The Benson Family and Other Stuff

Laundry Detergent

2012-01-28T08:51:00.003-05:00

Several people have asked how I made our laundry detergent. I found a pin on pinterest (oh, my goodness...do you pin???). Trust me, I would not have tried it if it didn't look super easy and CHEAP. I wasn't willing to invest a bunch of time or money in case I didn't like the detergent. My total investment was about $5. I spent a about $10 buying everything I needed, but I've got PLENTY of Borax * and Super Washing Soda * to make more or to use for other things.

The original recipe is from WellnessMama. You can see her post here.

1 cup Borax

1 cup Super Washing Soda

1 bar Dr. Bronner's Castille Soap*

5 gallons water

1. Put 2 quarts water in a pot. Shred the castille bar soap and melt it down in the pot.

2. Pour borax and super washing soda in a 5 gallon bucket with 2 quarts hot water from sink. Stir until dissolved. (Now you've used 1 gallon water)

3. Slowly add water and stir. (I did this until I had 4 gallons in the big bucket. I knew I'd need a little extra stirring room when I added the melted bar soap/water.)

4. When soap is completely melted, add to borax/superwashing soda mixture. STIR well.

5. Finish adding water until you've got 5 gallons water.

6. Let detergent sit overnight. The soap mixture will sort of congeal in the middle of the borax/super washing soda mixture. Stir it well. It will be a bit lumpy and glumpy (I just made that word up). That's okay.

7. Pour into 1 gallon milk jugs to store.

Use 1/4 cup detergent for each load of laundry. Make sure you shake up the detergent before you use it --the soap will continue to separate a little.

Meryt and I did an experiment with the detergent. We used one of Dwayne's old t-shirts and smeared all kinds of staining matter on it. (I should have taken a "before the stains" picture because I'm almost positive that the one stain that is left was already on there.)

(Sorry the picture is upside down)

1. Strawberry syrup

2. Chocolate syrup

3. chocolate ice cream

4. dirt from outside

5. Coffee grounds

6. Ketchup

As you can see, most of the stains washed out pretty good. I did not pretreat the stains...just tossed it in the wash. I did wash it by itself with 1/4 cup detergent, so I suppose someone might claim that it is a bit more concentrated because there was no other laundry in the load.

Overall, we are very pleased with the homemade detergent. I might try to use the Fels naptha * next time because I've heard it's excellent for removing stains. I'm excited that the detergent will last FOREVER. I'm guessing about a year based on how much laundry I average and how much detergent I made.

If you want to make powder detergent, WellnessMama also has a recipe for that at the link above.

*I only provided these links so you can see the actual product. I did not purchase my supplies on line--they were available at my local supermarket in the laundry section. Dr. Bronner's castille soap was available in the health food/organic section.

Thanks!

Going Granola, Part II

2012-01-24T20:23:00.002-05:00

SOOOOOOOOO...

I know you're dying to know how Going Granola, Part I is going.

And it's going.

Well. As in, good.

Things we're doing:
~Using homemade/chemical free laundry detergent.
~Using vinegar/borax/baking soda in the dishwasher.
~Growing kefir and feeding it to the kids.
~Making muffins from scratch so the kids have more wholesome breakfast options.

Things we like:
~Laundry detergent. It does a great job of washing the clothes. It even gets Luke's nasty poop out of his clothes. Unfortunately, this happens all too often around here and is a necessity in laundry detergent. Meryt (it's so strange typing her name on here when I called her M for so long so "protect her identify") and I did a little experiment on the laundry detergent. The pics are on my phone. I'll do another post with the pictures soon.
~Kefir. Actually, like is a bit strong. I don't like it at all, but can tolerate it in a smoothie (with spinach and bananas). Meryt can tolerate it a bit if it's blended with a banana. She also drinks it mixed with her smoothies. Luke loves it and will drink it UP when it's blended with a banana. I don't notice a difference in his bowels yet, but I'm hopeful.
~Homemade muffins. Luke loves them. Dwayne and I both like them. Meryt still prefers her pillsbury strudel. :) Some things might not ever change.

Things we're not crazy about:
~Vinegar/borax/baking soda. I wouldn't be worried about serving you food on my dishes, but I don't feel like they "sparkle" when I take them out of the dishwasher. There's no film or anything, but...they just aren't "squeaky" clean. I'm going to keep going for another week or so and see how I feel about it then. I might go back to dishwashing detergent.

Things I'm going to attempt next:
~Finding a non-chemical body wash. I'm almost out of my body wash, so I'm going on the prowl to find something more natural. I can't give up soap. I don't care how natural my body can be without washing it. I MUST WASH WITH SOAP. I want to feel clean. End of story. I'll go granola, but I'm not going THAT far. I'd like for it to be something I can use on the kids. Luke's skin needs a little TLC.
~I might try a homemade deodorant. Maybe.
~I might attempt to make Luke some gluten free bread. I honestly don't feel like I have the time to commit to that, or keeping it up, all the time.

I'll keep you posted.

Going Granola, Part I

2012-01-12T21:51:00.003-05:00

This might be the only part in this series...or it might be the beginning of a lifestyle change. I'm just not sure.

Luke seems to be suffering from some digestive issues. We are certain there is an allergy to peanut butter--we saw the quite frightening reaction one evening at church. I'll be fine if that never happens again. It wasn't as bad as some, but it was enough to raise my blood pressure to a dangerous level and cause a relatively sleepless night. There also seems to be a sensitivity to milk. When we transitioned him from formula to whole milk, he was congested all the time and I couldn't get him to dry out. We went on a trip, so we put him on pre-mixed formula and within 3 days, he was completely dry, despite getting many less hours of sleep than normal every day. Since then, we've been playing around with the best milk alternative to give him. Rice milk seemed to leave him less than satisfied, so we're trying coconut milk right now and that fills him up.

After talking with some friends, H and I are going to continue to try some alternative feeding options for him. I'm going to make kefir and see if he'll take and digest that. There is research indicating that it is very benficial for digestive problems. Luke really likes yogurt, so I am going to attempt to make home made yogurt for him. It just seems that anything I can offer him in a more pure, more natural state will be better for his little body.

All of this talk about natural food opened my eyes to a world of more natural living. Truthfully, I always thought that was a little much...a bit over the top. Make your own detergent? Not wash your hair? Are these people FOR REAL??? My arguements: Stuff can't be THAT bad for you. I don't have time to worry about that. It didn't hurt me and I grew up eating it, washing with it, wearing it. You get the idea.

I was in the "convenience" camp. Firmly planted. Perfectly content.

But if you changed the diapers I change every day, you'd consider making some changes, too.

I'm going to make our family's laundry detergent this weekend.
The benefits are many:
~The cost is pennies per load. The initial investment will be less than $10. I will not use the entire contents of the material for the first batch, so I will be able to make more than one batch of detergent. We're looking at less than $0.05/load.

~One batch of home made detergent will last us more than a year. There will be no more panic about how much detergent we have left. I will have enough detergent TO LAST A YEAR. There is very little time investment in this as it will take me about an hour to make a batch of detergent. It is not something that will need to be made regularly.

~No chemicals. All of the ingredients are natural. Nothing is harmful to the environment or our family. Win/win.

I don't see how I have anything to lose by trying this. If we hate the detergent, I haven't invested a lot of time or money into this project.

The other evening I used the last of our dishwasher detergent. Instead of buying more, I'm using vinegar and baking soda. Again...natural. No chemicals. Clean dishes. Win! Win! Cheaper. Win!

I am slowly putting my toe in the pond. Testing the waters. Reading. Learning. Trying. I see granola living far in the distance. I am not fully committed to the path. But I'll meander along and see what happens.

Our First Pinterest Home Improvement Project

2012-01-08T22:17:00.005-05:00

H and I complete our first pinterest inspired home improvement project today! And we didn't even fight about it!! Can I get a "Praise God!" ?

A friend of ours has the neatest way to display her child's school/art work. I told H I wanted to do the same thing, but he was NOT okay with putting that many holes in our walls. I wondered about using a frame to hold the wires, but knew I'd never be able to get him to 'see my vision.' When he left the house, I scurried to pinterest and found a perfect example of what I wanted to "tweak" to make our own. When he saw it, he loved it!

Honestly, I think this is the first time in 10 years of marriage that MY vision came to be exactly like I wanted it. Normally when I share an improvement idea with H, he takes my idea and runs with it and it ends up not being at all what I'd envisioned. Poor me. :)

So, this is is what one wall looked like prior to the project:

This is Luke's corner where his booster seat is. On one wall are three little triangular vases and a framed shadow box with dried flowers. I still like that. One the wall near the window is a wooden piece of art with flowers painted on it. On the other side of the window is a plate rack that holds four plates. Luke is modeling for you.
We took the wooden piece down and put up a large (24x36) open backed frame. H used eyelets and three pieces of large gauge jewelry wire to create places to "hang" the kids' artwork or school work. Hi, Luke! :)
I bought clips in the scrapbook section at Hobby Lobby to hold the papers. Here are a few things that were stuck on the fridge. Luke is wondering why we keep taking pictures of the wall.

There isn't a great place to take a picture of the tiny dining room. The frames are HUGE, but they look so great in here. I am so excited and can't wait to fill them up with current work from the kids.

I keep thinking of all kinds of fun things to do with these. A few years ago, Meryt and I made 14 "Valentines" out of my old scrapbook stuff. It would be fun to do that again and put them up. Maybe H and I could write something we love about each kid and they could read one each day starting Feb. 1?

During Christmas, we can hang up our Christmas cards and our 25 days of Christmas envelopes. M loves to paint seasonal decorations, so there will always be something she's created up there.

And just in case you wondered what Luke thought about all this:

He blew us a kiss of approval.

All About Luke

2012-01-07T22:03:00.006-05:00

If this blog has been around when Meryt was a baby, you would have read about every breath she took. Fortunately for you, I didn't start until Meryt was a toddler. Unfortunately for Luke, I didn't spend much time here during 2011. My memories for him are recorded elsewhere. They are recorded, which I am thankful for.

A teacher friend of mine is constantly reminding me not to compare Luke and Meryt. I try so hard not to, but...I compare them all the time. This post isn't a comparison, but more a chance for me to record exactly what our little miracle boy is like.

Luke is A.L.L. B.O.Y. There is never, not a single time, when he sits and plays with his toys. Meryt and I were going to read Luke 2 and do the nativity story with Luke. Oh, how fun we thought that would be. Hahaha...hehe. We ended up chasing Luke around, trying to recover the characters. Luke thought this was a hilarious game.
Evidence #1:

Luke is tremendously strong willed. If he wants to get to something, he will find a way to do just that. I was sitting at the computer and refused to give Luke whatever it was he wanted. He crawled around the chair, climbed up and reached over the back of the chair.

Evidence #2:

Luke is a complete Mama's Boy. He wants my attention all the time. He LOVES to be held and would sit on my hip, mostly content, all day. There are many times I resort to carrying him in a carrier--win/win for both of us!

Evidence #3:

Luke makes a game out of everything. H was putting the lights on the Christmas tree. Luke watched for a few minutes and realized that the end of the string of lights was moving around. He would chase the string of lights, trying to crawl and grab them at the same time. (We're convinced he's part puppy.) He finally grabbed the end of the strand and immediately put a bulb in his mouth.

Evidence #4:

You don't believe me? Here...a closer look. (No child was harmed in the process of collecting this evidence.)

We make the hanging of the first ornament a really big deal. Luke was too young last year to participate in this tradition and we weren't sure exactly how to handle it this year. Meryt would never tolerate Luke being allowed to take this special honor "from her." Yet, we needed a way for it to be somewhat fair. We decided that each child would have a "first ornament" and that it would be a special ornament to them. Surprisingly, Luke did a great job hanging his ornament.

Evidence #5:

Luke is a complete flirt, but does not like strangers to touch him. He doesn't like to be left in the church nursery. He sometimes cries when I leave him at his "school." I was a bit apprehansive when we went to see Santa. Luke, in true Luke form, shocked me. He was totally into Santa. He checked him out and then looked back at us.

Evidence #6:

Luke doesn't sit still. He's always checking something out. He isn't walking yet, but he can crawl faster than most of my students can run. One minute he's right beside me; the next, he's almost all the way up the stairs. We tried to take a few pictures at the beach (notice the birds behind Luke to the left).

Evidence #7:

Oh! Wait! There are birds behind me?!?! And off he goes.

Luke LOVES to play rough. Most of the time, the rougher, the better. He LOVES to be bounced around or tossed into the air. He loves to be wrestled. He just loves to play. Everything is a game.

Evidence #8:

Loving the teeter totter. Meryt shook it as hard as she could and he just died laughing.

Then we discovere the slide. Oh, the glorious slide! He wanted to do the slide over and over again. He would laugh and giggle so hard as he came down. He's even progressed to coming down the slide by himself, to his complete and utter joy.

As high as his "highs" are...his lows are as "low." He has the most delightful laugh you've ever heard...and the most irritating cry. (Keeping it real...just keeping it real.) He's one complete package of extremes. And we couldn't love him any more. He is truly our miracle boy.

Resolution. Or not.

2012-01-04T18:59:00.002-05:00

I've done the whole resolution thing. Many times. Failed. Many times.

I'm not going there this year.
I've over feeling not good enough.
Not domestic enough.
Not {whatever, fill in any word here} enough.

I've done the "pick a word for the year" approach to change. Not going there either. I love that idea far more than resolutions, but, again...I'm not going to fail.

But I am going to do one thing. It's a matter of choice--making a choice that is right for our family, for our kids.

I'm going to say "no." I'm going to get rid of the clutter that takes away from our family. I'm going to be realigning my priorities so my kids aren't hustled from mom-to-dad-to-mom-to-bed. I'm going to be with them more by saying "no" or "I'm sorry...we can't do that" or "I'm cooking tonight; we can't meet you for dinner."

I've been stretched too thin, thinking that I could do it all, be it all. I can't. God didn't make me that way. I love serving others. H loves serving others. This phase in our life requires us to serve at our home. H is in a place where his commitments can't be realigned. It is what it is.

So, instead of a resolution, there is going to be a choice. I'm sure I won't always make the right choice. I'm sure I'm going to find myself, time and time again, over committed or away from home too much and too busy. But I'll just make the CHOICE again to be at home.

Frustrated, I think

2012-01-03T19:24:00.002-05:00

Frustrated is not quite the word I'm looking for...the exact word is alluding me. I'm feeling...something akin to frustration, but not quite. Perhaps frustrated is the right word, but usally when I'm frustrated, it's with SOMEONE. This time, it's more the situation(s) that
frustrate(s) me.

I took Luke to the doctor this morning for his 12 month shots I'd delayed. I delayed them so we could be with my parents during Christmas break. {My dad can't be around kids who have had live virus vaccinations. Being with my dad seemed more valuable than doing vaccinations at exactly the right time.} So, we were late to the appointment. Luke had a fever. Luke ends up with steroids and a breathing treatment machine. I'm completely thunderstruck. I had no idea he was sick. Yesterday he started with a little cough, but nothing that seemed worrisome. I feel like that was a major "mom fail" moment. Frustrated.

Meryt is regressing academically. Before kindergarten, she was {almost} reading. She was definitely sounding out words and writing letters and numbers correctly. This week in church she wrote this sentence, "the tree wuz a sed wus." (The tree was a seed once.) Excellent sentence, I thought. She wrote every single e backwards and didn't put a capital letter at the beginning. Not a big deal, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. But the thing is: she WAS doing those things. She was starting sentences with capital letters, without any prompting. She was writing her letters correctly--well, facing the correct direction. Our group in kinder this year is so low. I know her teacher is doing the very best she can, but Meryt is not making (or maintaining) the progress I'd hoped. I keep debating about having her tested for the gifted program. She's a bright kid. She asks great questions and loves to learn about things. She's a hard worker. If she's going to be with this group of kids until 5th grade, I've got to give her a fighting chance of being challenged. I don't want to settle for mediocrity for her. H and I both expect a lot out of her. I'm frustrated for her and for her teacher, too. Some of this frustration is because I know how it's working in my own classroom--the lowest kids are getting the most attention. The ones that came in good and ready are the ones that aren't getting it this year. I know her teacher feels the exact same way. To relieve this frustration, M and I are going to "homeschool" in the evenings to keep her on track. Not to the point of stressing her out. She loves to "school," so this is all a game to her.

My house is never clean enough. FRUSTRATED. I don't have the energy to get it clean enough. I work and work at it, but there is always something more to do. I washed THREE loads of dishes today...because I cooked two meals today. I've washed clothes today and there are still more clothes to wash. I cleaned my room before Christmas break...now it looks like a tornado has struck...again. This is one area in my life where I feel the need to "do again, do again, do again." One small step at a time.

Our pastor has encouraged us to "be more in the Word." He suggested a few things: memorizing scripture or reading a Psalm each day during January. I'm hopeful that I can continue my commitment to this (reading a Psalm each day of January) and meditate on His word. It hasn't been hard--for two days! :) My hope is this will help me keep perspective. None of the things that are frustrating me are REALLY worth the frustration. They are small in the scheme of this world and nearly irrelevant in the scheme of eternity. Yet, I've let them almost ruin today.

Perspective. Keep it all in perspective.

01/01/12

2012-01-01T21:16:00.003-05:00

Good heavens!

Who knew that when I started this blog years ago I'd neglect it so badly? Facebook will do that, I suppose. :) It's so easy to just send a little sentence out than it is to take the time to compose an actual blog post. But I miss this. I miss this place of keeping records. Of putting complete thoughts out there. Of sharing.

Perhaps all my blog friend readers have gone away. Perhaps FB is easier for everyone. Yet, I want to return to this place. I'll start over. Start at the beginning and build again.

11 Thoughts from 2011.

1. Luke went from screaming infant to fun toddler. He's all boy, all the time. He loves to throw things. He moves and shakes all the time. At 13 months, he refuses to walk, perferring to crawl everywhere. He still loves to be held and LOVES attention. He loves to eat. His favorite foods are barbeque, hotdogs, fruits and veggies. Although you'd be hardpressed to find a food he refuses. He seems to have some food allergies: definitely to peanut butter and possibly a milk intolerance. We call him Buddy almost all of the time. We call him that directly and also when we are talking about him. He is delightful and difficult all wrapped in one package.

2. Meryt went from preschooler to elementary schooler right before my eyes. She loves school. She remembers everything. She had kidney surgery in June and seems to be "cured" from her kidney trouble. She's still a little H in almost all aspects. She's so fun to be around, most of the time. Unlike Luke, the only things she loves to eat are sweets and she perfers more quiet activities. Like Luke, she's delightful and difficult all wrapped in one package.

3. We've switched pediatricians. A number of factors helped us make this decision. I'm positive this is the right decision for our children and our family.

4. My dad (OB) had a double lung transplant in January 2011. In just a few days, we will celebrate his 1 year anniversary. What a year it's been! While a tremendous challenge for our entire family, it also brought some wonderful experiences for all of us. We were able to visit several times while he was recovering and enjoy many beautiful things the city where the transplant took place had to offer. Those will be some of my favorite memories.

5. We took the children to Disney World during Thanksgiving break. What an incredible experience for all of us!

6. H had an opportunity to take on a part time job. This has been both a wonderful and difficult adjustment for our family.

7. As the year came to a close, I realized that our schedule was packed full of things that did not bring joy to our family. In fact, all of the extra things made me a bit grouchy and mean to Luke and Meryt. That discovery forced me to evaluate my priorities. My one goal for 2012 is to commit only to things which bring joy to our family.

8. Meryt asked, on more than one occassion, "WHERE are we eating dinner tonight?" Major Mom failure.

9. In October, H and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. I CLEARLY remember when we were newly weds meeting someone who had been married 7 years. I remember thinking, "We'll never make it." Not only did we make it to 7, but we've cleared the decade mark. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Most of the time.

10. Luke went from his "Aunt P" to a home day care this fall. It was a difficult decision, but a good one. He loves going to "school" and loves being around the other children. There are 2 boys that are just a bit older than he is. He loves playing with them and being outside.

11. 2011 was a busy, hectic year for the Benson family....full of family and other stuff. We are looking forward to 2012, slowing down, and being together.

Dear Meryt

2011-08-05T20:04:00.002-04:00

Dear Meryt,

I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that next week you will be a kindergartener. I knew this day would come. I've anticipated it for so long and I am beyond excited for you! I know you are going to absolutely love school. I just can not imagine what it will be like. The types of stories you will tell in the afternoon. Helping you with your homework. Working on projects with you. Taking you to cultural events. Washing and hanging your uniforms. The kids that are going in to 5th grade called you "baby Meryt" because you were so little when I taught them. It will be so weird for you to transition from calling all the adults I'm closest to "Mrs. First Name" to "Mrs. Last Name." We've been working on it, but I know there will be times when you just can't help calling your dance teacher "Mrs. Lindsay" or your first baby sitter "Miss Jana."

You are literally a {School Name} baby. You've been in that building since you were born. In fact, I was so proud of you that we stopped by to show you off to the office staff on our way home from the hospital. You were barely 2 days old and you were in that building! Last year, Daddy brought you to me almost every afternoon. In so many ways, you are probably the best prepared kindergartener--as far as knowing what to expect. You've just about seen it all!

I wonder if you're anxious. Do you feel confident? Do you wonder about the kids in your class? Do you feel any tension at all about the subtle shift that is going to take place next week in your life? This is really the first big "milestone" in your life. The first day of school. This will never happen again. I will never be able to say, "She's going to kindergarten next year." It's here. It's time.

I am so excited for you. I want this to open up a whole new world for you...a world of new facts, new experiences, new challenges. You are, truly, standing at the beginning of an incredible journey. I want this to be the fullest, most wonderful time of your life. It's amazing to me, that after 11 years of teaching, I'm the most excited about this year of any I've ever taught. I want for my students the same thing I want for you--the best experience possible. I have you to thank for invigorating me in a new and exciting way!

I love you, precious girl. I absolutely can not wait to see how this goes for you.

Mama

Some public school thoughts...

2011-08-01T15:34:00.003-04:00

Goodness.

My goodness.

My public school teacher heart is hurting right now!

I've heard more than one time, two times, three times, lately about how parents feel they need to pull their special needs kids out of public schools and home school them or find alternative schooling options for their kids. What in the world is going on here? It is our job as public educators to educate every single child that comes through our program. It is our job to FIND WHAT WORKS for these kids.

One thing I just read that was super discouraging was that the special needs kid was out of the classroom receiving so much "support" that he wasn't getting the academics he needed. How can that be? Why aren't the specialist going into the classroom to help him so he's being double teamed? What happened to co-teaching? If a child is able to be in a regular ed classroom for his/her academics, but needs support, why is that not happening for him/her?

I'll be honest. I'm just a regular teacher. I absolutely do not know the ins and outs of Autism, Speech Delays, Dyslexia, ODD, ADHD...I can't. It's my job to know the standards that are required for completion of kindergarten and make sure my kids can do those! When I'm overwhelmed by the special needs of some of my students, it's my job to call in the experts.

Is that a process? Yes!
Does it take a long time? YES! Sometimes too long!

It disturbs me greatly that parents are pulling their kids out of public education because we aren't meeting their academic needs. I think sometimes parents expect the public school system to do TOO much. But it is our job to educate the public. To provide for the educational needs of every single child that comes to us for service. Have I wanted to pull out my hair before because of one of my students? You can bet your very last dollar I have! Have I been frustrated beyond exasperation because of something that's gone on or a difference I have with a parent? YES! But at the end of the day, the end of the year, it's my job to teach. And it's my job to work with parents to make sure that happens. I hate that parents who have children with specific needs don't feel like the school system is meeting them where they are or working with them to make the experience the best it can be for their children.

No if...when

2011-07-29T15:50:00.005-04:00

I'm cleaning out the house as we prepare for a yard sale tomorrow. My goal was to try to get rid of at least 1/2 the stuff we own, either donating it or selling it. I think I did..um...maybe 1/8 of what we own.

But what's most astonishing to me is that I am completely, one hundred percent okay with getting rid of baby stuff. There is no feeling of "what if there's another baby?" If there's another baby, it won't have the massive quantity of stuff Meryt and Luke have had. If there's another baby, most of what it has will be borrowed or bought second hand. If there's another baby, we'll know we don't need as much gear as we thought we'd need. If there's another baby, we'll be shocked beyond belief! :)

For the first time in about 5 years, there is absolutely no looking to the future, wondering "if...when." The wish has been granted. The prayer answered.

It is well...with my soul.

Maybe, Day 23

2011-05-23T17:14:00.001-04:00

MAYBE I'M GLAD IT'S SUMMER TIME!!

YAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe, Day 14

2011-05-14T19:44:00.006-04:00

I'm certainly not doing a good job of posting every day!! MAYbe I shouldn't have committed! :)

MAYbe time is going by entirely too fast!

I'm the mama of a 5 1/2 year old who knows more than I do about almost everything. I was corrected more today by Meryt than I was my entire high school career by all my teachers. I feel like she thinks I can do no right. We were at odds almost all day. I think the biggest problem is that I am constantly caught off guard by her. She never does or says what I would predict she would do or say, so I'm always playing catch-up. I'm struggling with disciplining her so she's not a brat and encouraging her personality without stiffling her. Dwayne and I don't want a brat for a child, but we don't want to break her either. There is a fine line there. I will not tolerate her being disrespectful, which is where she bordered today--she knew where the line was and she was constantly putting her toe right on it. Usually it's not quite so brazen. I think she thought because she threw up again this morning, I was going to let her get away with whatever she felt like saying today. NOT GOOD.

And Luke...oh, my! He's 6 months old and MAYbe we've turned a corner. Gone is that constant crying, miserable, hurting little baby. We definitely still have moments that transport me back to those first few weeks/months. My body gets tense and I want to throw myself on the floor and cry, too. But the laugh...OH, the laugh! It MAYbe the most delightful sound I've ever heard. I love his extremes. I love that he's never just in the middle, hanging out. He's either screaming bloody murder (don't like so much) or he's giggling his head off (my favorite thing in the world).

MAYbe Luke's favorite toy is Meryt. They giggle and play together right now. I know it might not last. Meryt's self-esteem is boosted by the hero-worship of her little brother. Tonight she was jumping up and down and he was laughing like that was the funniest thing in the world. She exclaimed "Mama, he thinks I'm the best jumper ever!" This encourages her to continue to play with him and show off for him, which gives him much more interaction than I could offer on my own. I know there will be at time, probably when Luke can take Meryt's things, that all of this will change, but I'm going to enjoy every second of it now.

I thought MAYbe you'd want to see how much Luke has grown in the past few months. Just a little comparison pictures.

Luke, January 9, 2 months old

Luke, February 9, 3 months old

Luke, March 9, 4 months old

*so sad...skipped 5th month*

Luke, May 9, 6 months old

I'm not sure, but I think I notice the biggest difference between the 3 month picture and the 4 month picture. Do you see the difference in his little chunky thighs?

And right now he's the perfect image of snuggly goodness. He loves to be held while he dozes off and he gets heavier and snugglier the more tired he gets. I LOVE IT. He also doesn't mind the head on the shoulder position, so as he gets drowsy, I can move him from an arm hold to his head on my shoulder...MAMA HEAVEN. Because his beginning was so difficult, I'm enjoying this phase even more.

Maybe, Day 10

2011-05-10T19:55:00.002-04:00

I was a bit too raw to post yesterday.

I HATE dealing with my inadequacies as a teacher. I want to think I can change the world.

But MAYbe I can't.

And I hate admitting that.

I have a student with SO much potential. The kid is brilliant. Even at 5, I can tell (s)he will have a huge impact on this world. Unfortunately, the home environment for this kid is not a healthy one. There is too little parental supervision. There are too many accidents because a parent isn't around enough. I'm in no way suggesting the parents are the cause of the accidents. I honestly think they are working, trying to provide for their kids.

Yesterday I ran into the wall of "I can't do any more." I'd reached the end of what I am able to do as a teacher. I can't take this child. I can't change his/her world. I've done what I can, perhaps making a different for him/her, perhaps failing miserably at times. I didn't like feeling powerless to make this life a little better for my kiddo.

Today was better. MAYbe it's good for me to have a little perspective. MAYbe I needed a moment of discomfort, of realizing that I am limited. I still don't like it. I still want to have more power to do good for my kids. But I know this...the reminder that I have limits will push me to do even more within my boundaries, to love a little more, to be a little more patient, to demand a little more. I know I often fail. But I want my students to have incredible memories of school, of learning, of knowing that they were loved and cared for every single day. Perhaps, MAYbe, that will be enough. MAYbe that will change a world in the end, even if not right now.

MAYbe.

Maybe, Day 8

2011-05-08T23:13:00.002-04:00

MAYbe this will post before midnight! :)

MAYbe I'll upload some pictures tomorrow.

Two years ago, I sobbed while singing Blessed Be Your Name. My favorite line is "You give and take away....you give and take away. Blessed be your name."

My womb had been full. More than once. And my womb would be empty. More than once.

I learned a valuable lesson in that trial. I learned that even in the darkest times in my life, when I was struggling so much to see the good, the plan, I could, I WANTED to praise my God. Trust me, that didn't come from me. I didn't wake up with a tear stained face and tear soaked pillow and jump out of bed singing praises to God. Oh, no, I did not. But there was a constant tug in my heart to choose praise. To trust in Him. To carry my burden to the cross and lay it down.

And today, while I was singing Blessed Be Your Name, tears streamed down my face again. Today it was because I know how very blessed I am. I know what it felt like to desire something so deep in your heart that there was an ache there. I know what it's like to pray every day, sometimes every moment of every day, while holding your belly that you would actually get to meet and love that baby. And today I cried because my heart was so full. Today, my dream is true. I am a mama to not one, but two sweet babies. I squeezed in as much snuggle time as I could with Luke and Meryt, smelling them, kissing their sweetness, giggling at their funniness.

And I realize that MAYbe there are many people out there who are struggling to praise in their darkness. MAYbe there are women out there who could not rejoice in motherhood today because their hearts are so burdened with loss. I'm praying for those women right now. That in their trial, they will feel the tug to praise. They will know the cross. They will know the only One who can ease their pain.

I'm praying beyond MAYbe. I'm praying for "Yes, I do know Him. Yes, I do trust Him. Yes, I can praise Him when it hurts."

May, Day 7

2011-05-07T10:11:00.002-04:00

Okay, MAYbe I can't keep up with every day. But that's ok. I'll just start again and pick up where I left off.

Last week was CRAZY busy. MAYbe I stuffed too many things into not enough days! I like to be busy, so I tend to stuff our days full of things to do. Then the cycle gets out of control, like a merry-go-round, and I realize I'm standing in the middle of my life watching it spin wildly out of control around me.

So, today, MAYbe we'll stay in our pajamas all day and catch our breath.

MAYbe I'll get recaught up on my laundry. MAYbe I won't.

MAYbe I'll let Meryt watch a movie while I snooze on the couch. MAYbe I won't. MAYbe we'll play games all afternoon.

MAYbe I'll get some pictures off my camera and share some sweet goodness called my children.

Oh...and MAYbe...just maybe Luke-ster has a tooth or two.

Maybe, Day 3

2011-05-04T07:45:00.001-04:00

MAYbe I stayed out too late last night and skipped my MAYbe post for May 3.

MAYbe we had a great time together as a family.

MAYbe I'll post pictures tonight!

Maybe, Day 2

2011-05-02T21:10:00.002-04:00

MAYbe I didn't feed Meryt dinner tonight until almost 9:00. MAYbe it's 9:11 and I'm just getting ready to read her a bedtime story. MAYbe my to-do list is still atleast 10 things long and 9.5 of them MUST be done tonight. MAYbe I should manage my time a little better.

MAYbe...

Maybe, Day 1

2011-05-01T21:19:00.003-04:00

MAYbe...A month of possibilities

Day 1

After a pretty tremendous meltdown yesterday (mine, unfortunately), I realized I have completely let this family slide into some pretty atrocious habits. It happened in the busy-ness of life, innocently at first, as most bad habits start. It certainly wasn't intentional, they were born during moments of survival, but the results of my lackadaisical parenting became glaringly apparent yesterday.

In my fit of rage {The dog ate my lunch, which I asked Meryt to watch while I ran upstairs to help Luke go to sleep. When I came downstairs, her eyes were glued to the TV and the dog was happily gobbling my Five Guys small bacon cheeseburger with grilled onions and mushrooms.}, I made some rash decisions. Now that I've had time to calm down, I realize that despite my rage, the decisions and consequences are valid and necessary. I did apologize to Meryt for screaming like a crazy woman. She accepted my apology gracefully and said next time she'd watch my lunch more carefully. Our relationship is restored. :)

So, today was our first full day of living with my changes.

MAYbe good things will come.

Changes: Results

No TV for a week: We were 10 minutes early to church today. We've never been 10 minutes early to anything. This decision was not made in the rage, but after. I've known for a while that we all watch way too much TV. I don't want to rely on the TV so much this summer, so I decided to go cold turkey and just keep it off. I was in desparate need of a nap this afternoon, so I did let Meryt watch a movie while I snoozed on the couch during Luke's nap time. Other than that, that was the only time the TV has been on in almost 36 hours. MAYbe no TV will be a good thing.

All meals at the table: Meryt actually ate breakfast and lunch. This was a decision that was definitely made in the moment of crazy-mama-red-faced-screaming. It probably sounded something like "AND-WE-WILL-NEVER-EAT-IN-FRONT-OF-THE-TV-AGAIN. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER." While I didn't handle it well, this will ultimately be a good decision. Since H has been working in the evenings and all weekend, Meryt and I have been entirely too relaxed about our meals. We've picked up more Chick-fil-A than I care to admit. We've eaten cereal for dinner or had cheese sandwhiches for lunch and peanut butter and jelly for dinner. TIME TO CHANGE. MAYbe this will force my hand. We both ate lunch together today...I had to leave the table a little early because Luke was fussy, but she sat there until her meal was finished. My goal is to plan our meals for the week and have everything ready to prepare before I leave for work. That way when I get home, I can just throw our dinner together quickly. MAYbe meals at the table will be good thing.

We had a super day today. I'm very hopeful for May. I feel that it is full of MAYbe's...possibilities. I don't know what's to come. Meryt isn't upset about the TV situation. Not like I thought she'd be. I honestly thought she would ask every 2 minutes to watch one of her shows. She spent lots of time playing with Luke this afternoon. She spent a lot of time just sitting on the couch talking to herself. MAYbe she'll discover the thousands of toys in the cubbies this week.

I don't feel like MAYbe is in the gray area between yes and no. I feel like it's the colorful, rainbow area of possibility. It could be anything. And there is fun to be had in the anticipation.

Maybe: A Prologue

2011-04-30T13:34:00.003-04:00

I'm going to commit to posting every day in May.

MAYBE I'm nuts.

MAYBE I've lost my mind.

MAYBE it will be really good for me.

I can't believe I haven't posted anything since January. That is certainly the longest I've ever neglected this sweet place that holds so many memories.

For a while, I thought MAYBE I was ready to let it go.

Then I realized, MAYBE I'm not.

The theme for May is MAYBE. I'm not sure where I'll go with that. I'm not sure if I'll be more word oriented or more picture oriented. I'm just ready to sit down and go along for the ride. It will be whatever it is.

Just a quick update:
Meryt is 5 1/2. She's completely ready for kindergarten, but loving these last few weeks of 4K. She's had the best year ever. She is also the best big sister in the world, without a doubt. She had a flair up with her kidney troubles a couple of weeks ago. We're scheduling her kidney surgery this summer. MAYBE I'll blog about that.

Luke is 5 months old. He's sleeping in his bed all night long (well, from 9-5:30, then back to sleep until about 7). He loves girls and he loves to eat. Suddenly, he's the happiest baby. I'm glad we survived the worst infant-hood ever. MAYBE I'll share some cuteness soon.

H has been super busy and we haven't seen him much lately. My admiration for single mothers has increased tremendously. MAYBE I'll show pictures of what he's been doing.

I'm looking forward to the end of school this year. I LOVE my class so much and will miss them tremendously, but I am ready to get our house clean and to get the kids on a good schedule. I feel like we've been floating along in the rapids since Luke's arrival. I'm ready for a little bit of stability and cleanliness around the house. MAYBE I'll lock us in for the first few days of summer and really work on family stuff.

Maybe I let my kids stay in their winter pjs (that don't match) all day...

and maybe I don't.

God is in the details

2011-01-27T21:12:00.002-05:00

Before I even knew there would be a need, God was working out the details.

I was opening a week's worth of mail today when Dwayne said, "I think you have a check in there from your doctor's office."

"Nah," I thought. "I still owe them money," I said aloud.

The envelop was about halfway through the stack of junk mail, bills, and cataloges. It sure did look like a check, but that's so odd.

And then I opened it.

And it's an answer to prayers.

Before I even knew we would need some extra money in the upcoming months so we could visit my dad, God was working out every single detail.

The check from my doctor will cover two (T.W.O.!!!) visits to my dad. Almost to the dollar.

Dwayne and I talked on the way home Sunday afternoon about how much money we needed to budget for our next trip to visit my dad. And about how many times we thought we'd go down to see him in Jacksonville.

We decided on a certain amount of money. And that we'd try to budget for two trips.

That's EXACTLY what the check will cover.

I cried.

Do you understand the significance here?

I thought I still owed my doctor money. NOPE. God took care of that.

We needed X amount of money from our already strapped budget to cover two trips to see my dad (trips that we feel are not negotiable...that we need to take). No need to stress. God took care of that.

God worked out every single detail for us. We know God is in the miracles (Luke's conception, Luke's full term pregnancy and healthy delivery, my dad's new lungs...big stuff, people). But, He's also in the tiny, dirty, nitty-gritty details. He's THERE. He's working things out for us even before we know we need something worked out.

I am so very thankful. SO very thankful.

So many thoughts

2011-01-19T21:50:00.004-05:00

Many of you probably already know that my dad, OB, had a double lung transplant on Monday, January 17, 2011.

48 hours ago we were anxiously waiting for any word from his transplant surgeon.

24 hours before that, this picture was taken:

OB and Luke

(6:00 pm 1/16/2011)

I have so many thoughts I want to share. So many details that I never want to forget.

Mom and Dad (Nona and OB) got the call from the May0 Clinic as they were waking up Monday morning. OB called us as we were waiting for this:

I was standing in the waiting room, waiting for the radiology nurse to come get us for Luke's upper GI test. He was fretful, Dwayne and I were taking turns walking him around, when my phone rang. A bit unusual to have a call from my dad so early in the morning.
"We got the call," was my dad's greeting.
"The call for what?" I responded.
"From the Mayo Clinic. Okay, bye. Love you." Click.
I was so shocked that I didn't get to deliver my very thought out speech I had prepared to share with him. I immediately asked Dwayne to call the church to get out a prayer e-mail.

At that point, Luke fell apart, screaming and crying. I was cuddling him and crying (as I was thinking, I don't want my dad to die) when the nurse walked in. She thought I was crying for Luke.
"Honey, this test is not that big a deal."
Blubber, sob, blubber.
"Oh...I'm not crying for him. He's going to be fine. I'm crying because my dad is going to have a lung transplant today!" BLUBBER, S.O.B.
Her immediate response was "PRAISE GOD! PRAISE GOD!"
God had sent me an angel in the flesh. When the devil was planting seeds of doubt in my mind, God was sending me my very own angel to remind me to praise Him!

17 years ago on January 17, 1994, my dad was diagnosed with puliminary fibrosis. Exactly 17 years later, he got new lungs. Don't tell me God isn't in the details.

From the months before my dad's diagnosis, God was preparing our family for this journey. Actually, from the beginning of time, the Lord knew that steps we would take, but let's focus on the fall of 1993 and move forward. Well, it really starts before then...the story is so large and so grace-filled that I don't even quite know where to start.

In October 1993 (on my 16th birthday!), we moved from a house with stairs at every entrance to a ranch style house with only one tiny step at the entrance. This would prove to be an important move. At this point, my dad seemed healthy, but Mom noticed that he was coughing a lot. She thought he must have walking pneumonia and told him she was making an appointment for him when he came home for the holidays. (My dad was working in a town 5 hours away and commuting each weekend...that's another God inspired decision for my parents.)

When Dad was home for an extended vacation during the Christmas holidays (1993), he went to his regular doctor to check on the coughing and shortness of breath. It was the appointment that would change his life. The doctor realized pretty quickly that something was very wrong and sent my dad to a specialist. My dad never returned to his job.

On January 17, 1994, he was diagnosed with puliminary fibrosis. They (always a mysterious they) aren't sure what caused the disease...he might have been born with it or it might have been caused by chemical exposure on his job.

The doctors were able to pretty quickly stop the progression of the disease and for many years, my dad just lived a modified life style that allowed him to have a fairly decent quality of life. Granted, he relied very heavily on medicine to have that quality of life, but he enjoyed seeing all of his children graduate from high school and college, two of us get married and start our families, one of us graduate from the police academy...he's been actively involved in our maturity into adulthood. He would have missed many of our "milestones" if he'd still been healthily working hours away from our hometown. Instead, he was there. THERE. For everything. He never missed a play, a ball game, a special event. Despite being sick, he was present. God made that happen for our family. He designed a life path that forced a workaholic father to be present.

There were scary times during the past years when his disease would rear its terribly ugly head and he would have a rapid decline in lung capacity. There was a drug trial from a university with meetings from drug companies and refrigerated medicine boxes delivered to the house. There were mistakes in dosage that resulted in manic cleaning episodes and night terrors. There are funny stories that only our family can laugh about because the only other option was to cry. Dad chose to laugh, so we chose to laugh. God was there. He was in the details.

Then a few years ago, something changed. The disease wasn't being managed by the medicine any more. The doctor in Savannah realized he'd come to the end of his expertise and it was time to call in the Big Shots...it was time for drastic measures. So, the doors were opened for a relationship between my dad and the Mayo Clinic. (Ironically...or not, a lady that my mom taught with for years had a heart transplant at the same facility with the same group of surgreons and was a source of tremendous knowledge for my parents. God in the details...again.) 18 months ago, my parents took a trip to meet with the doctors. At first, they determined that my dad was eligible for a transplant, but not a candidate yet. They wanted to try a few things to manage the disease. Six months later, his status changed and in January 2010, he was placed on the transplant list.

12 months later, the call that we've all been waiting for finally came.

And today...48 hours after the new lungs have been transplanted, my dad was sitting up in a chair, talking to us on the phone, eating applesauce and drinking gingerale. He was moved from his ICU room into a regular hospital room. Tomorrow, three days post transplant, he will work with the physical and respitory therapists to practice walking and breathing with his brand new, perfect, beautiful lungs.

We are so very thankful for the gift of the donor family. We will never meet them. Never know the story of their loved one who gave my dad a new lease on life. But we will forever be thankful to them. So very, very thankful. They have, literally, given the gift of life. God was in that detail, too.

Out of the fog

2011-01-10T13:06:00.004-05:00

I can't believe Luke is 2 months old. Yesterday was the big day.

Two months...how can it be?

Yet, I'm so thankful we survived it.

I've never, in my entire life, been so tired for so long.

I feel like we're finally emerging, a tiny bit, from that newborn {infant} foginess that goes with having a new baby. We're not in the clear yet. Not even close. But the world is a little sharper. A little less fuzzy around the edges. I can actually remember a conversation I had a few minutes ago instead of it slipping away immediately.

As the world is coming into focus again, I realize how incredibly in love I am with this little guy.

His first few weeks and months have been trying...absolutely. He doesn't feel good. He has terrible reflux. He doesn't really like to sleep and he doesn't understand the concept of schedule. The combination of these things has caused me more stress than I can dare to express. There have been nights when I just sit up, squeezing him in my arms (because he likes the be held T.I.G.H.T.), rocking back and forth, praying for the grace to make it one more moment. And I do. Every single time.

Just a moment ago, Dwayne was feeding him and then putting him to sleep. My heart squeezed tightly in my chest with love.

Here are a few pictures of our precious boy.

Tired after watching the circus for 2 hours. We all loved the circus!

Just some strong man cuteness. Meryt used to hold her arms JUST like this.

I just missed his "almost" smile. It's super sweet.
We don't see it often enough.

Sleeping in the swing....the only place he'll sleep.

His one month old picture. It was a little late, so the comparison between one and two months will be a little off. Two month picture coming soon.

Sleeping sweetness.

I am NOT a turkey! Love this picture! :)

Single parenthood

2010-12-10T19:58:00.002-05:00

I don't want to forget the details of this day. It's not really blog worthy, but I know it'll be safe here.

Dwayne is out of town this weekend doing his annual continuing education.

Day 1:
-Take Meryt to preschool. All is well. Good morning.
-Pick Meryt up and go to Wal-Mart (what in the world was I thinking???) where we get craft stuff for the weekend and she's allowed to pick out a present for Luke. He fusses (not screams, thank goodness) the entire time, even though he should have been sound asleep and finally falls asleep on the way home.
-I grab a handful of bags and asked Meryt to grab her lunch and close the van doors. She doesn't come in for a few minutes so I go check on her. She's SCREAMING bloody murder because her fingers are crushed in the door of the van. Oh, yeah...mother of the year award for me. I feel TERRIBLE. Terrible isn't even close to how bad I feel.
-We all have a quiet afternoon. Luke and I nap on the couch while M has quiet time in her room.
-We paint wrapping paper for over an hour after rest time. Gretel, the cat, spills an entire cup of water on our paper. I try not to cuss. We start over again.
-We eat dinner in the car as we do a drive through nativity at a local church. Then Meryt says, "Uh-oh, Mama...I don't have any milk left. I think it all spilled." Yep...her entire thermos of milk spilled between the two car seats. Dwayne is just going to have to deal with that when he gets back. I'm not strong enough to release the latch on the car seats to take them out so I clean the upholstry.

Clearly I'm not cut out for single parenthood.

It is well...

2010-12-08T21:52:00.002-05:00

I am so very thankful that when I can't go any more, when I'm at the end of myself, there is something bigger than me, something I can rely on to carry me, something called GOD.

We are in a good place.

Luke is doing better. He isn't screaming as much. He is sleeping a little more during the dark hours. He is nursing great and taking a bottle when needed. Every now and then he lets us peek at the cutest little smile ever. I know it's probably just gas, but I don't care--it's reward enough for now.

Meryt is such an incredible big sister. God is giving me the strength to parent her as needed right now. She's definitely acting out a little bit for attention. She's suddenly unable to find something when asked (like socks, shoes, bibs, etc.) or fully dress herself. As long as I realize she just needs a few extra snuggles or a little affirmation, she settles down again. She is so sweet to Luke and never, ever acts unkindly to him. I'm so thankful she loves him so much. If anything, I have to remind her to give him a little space.

God gives me all these little moments of encouragement so I can continue to get up in the middle of the night, when I just need a little more sleep. So I can be a little more patient when I want to snap. So I can love a little more and a little harder when I think about those whose arms are empty, when I remember how much this is exactly what I wanted.

Pictures soon. I've got a few sweet ones.

At the end of myself

2010-12-01T20:31:00.003-05:00

There are times when I want this {blog} to be only a happy place. But the reality of this world is that it is not a happy place.

I am at the end of myself. I'm relying on strength that I, honestly, do not possess. I don't know where the strength is to put one foot in front of the other, to be patient with the baby that never stops screaming and the 5 year old who talks all the time, to wake up to nurse after only 45 minutes of sleep. I don't know how to do it any more.

And then I remember: He is our miracle baby.

And I see this face: And I help the sweet 5 year old chase down the mail lady to send off her very-first-ever hand-made (all by herself) card.

And then I got the best reward of all: the tightest hug and whispered words "Thank you for helping me, Mama. I love you."

And I realized that the strength never comes from me. It comes from God. It comes from Him through my children. He will continue give me the strength to be (a little bit) patient, to nurse when I just need some sleep, to show grace and compassion when I don't have any more grace and compassion. It's never within me.

These are my miracles. I can do it...even though I'm at the end of myself.

Change of Plan

2010-11-18T09:32:00.005-05:00

This post has been rambling around in my head for a few days and I'm still not sure my thoughts are polished enough to post, but I keep coming back to it, so I'm going to give it a try.

For those of you that know me or have read this blog for any length of time, you know {are glaringly aware} that I like a plan. I'm a planner. I want to know the plan. Let's make a plan. More importantly, let's STICK TO THE PLAN. I'm no good when Dwayne says, "Get in the car. Let's go." Let's go where? What are we doing? Why? Where? When???

I don't know why I'm this way. God just wired me to get caught up in the details and the need to know. Sometimes this serves me well and sometimes...well, sometimes it doesn't at all.

Right now I'm on the roller coaster called "Change of Plan." And it is the wildest roller coaster I've ever riden! Have you ever felt that way?

I had everything all planned out.

Birth plan. Check.

It went something like this: Luke's birth will be easier than Meryt's birth was. (Which was a breeze, by the way). I will go natural. The lights will be low. We'll whisper. It will be a beautiful, National Geographic moment in my life.

*cue audience laughter*

Enter Change of Plan.

Luke's birth was tremendously harder than Meryt's. It was longer. It was harder. His heart rate would plummet. My blood pressure wasn't stable at the beginning. There was an epidural. There was medication for my blood pressure. The lights were bright. It was most certainly not the beautiful, National Geographic moment I'd envisioned.

The Lord used that to teach me a lesson.

Nursing Plan. Check.

Nursing Luke will be a natural, easy thing. It's natural. It's the right thing to do. All mother's do it. I can do it, too. Hellllloooo...National Geographic!!

*cue audience laughter*

Enter Change of Plan.

Not so much. Nursing is HARD WORK. I feel terrible for Dwayne. With Meryt, he gots lots of snuggles because she was on a bottle and he could feed her. She also didn't need ME every.single.moment.of.every.single.day. Little Luke, on the other hand, never leaves my arms. Whenever poor Dwayne tries to hold him, he screams and cries because, honestly, he just wants me and he just wants to nurse...all...the...time. ALL.THE.TIME.

The Lord used that to teach me a lesson.

Schedule. Check.

We'll work on our schedule as soon as we get home. I'll feed Luke every third hour, he'll sleep and rest in between and I'll nap when I can.

*cue hysterial laughter from the audience*

Sad, huh? I'm not even a first time mom. But that's how easy it was with Meryt! She was so schedule oriented that it literally required no work from me at all. She scheduled herself and rarely got off the schedule. She was the easiest baby ever. Luke is by no means difficult. Not at all. But he most certainly does not understand or care one bit about my schedule. He cries when he wants to eat, regardless of the last time he ate. He sleeps when he wants to sleep and only cuddled in my arms or in the swing. Some nights, we're up for hours. Other nights, he sleeps awesome for 2 hours and nurses for an hour. I never can predict how he's going to do.

The Lord is teaching me a lesson here.

I can't help but continue to go back to Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. (it goes on) See, I'm not really in charge. Despite all the time and energy I spend "planning," it's not up to me. I can't make Luke follow my schedule. He's hungry when he's hungry. He can't provide for himself. I get frustrated, sure. Makes me wonder how God feels when I refuse to follow his plan. I can't provide for myself. All my needs are supplied by the Lord. Why in the world do I spend so much energy planning and working out every single detail WHEN THE LORD ALREADY KNOWS THE PLANS HE HAS FOR ME? Why do I constantly struggle to take control from the One who is in absolute control and only wants good for me? These past 10 days have been a lesson on control and changing plans. I know I can't (won't) easily relinquish control. I haven't in the past. But I want to journey to a place where I can and will let the Lord make the decisions in my life without constantly trying to pull the strings out of his hands. Ultimately, it boils down to a trust issue for me. If I do it, I know it will be done the way I want. (ha) If I let go of the control and trust in the Lord, I don't have the security (false as it is) of knowing that things will work out the way I thought they would.

So, I'm on the roller coaster. God is in charge of the controls. I'll ride "Change of Plan" until I've learned my lesson that it's not about me. It's about Him. He who knows the plans he has for me.

Due Date: 4 Day Update

2010-11-13T19:26:00.005-05:00

Today is Luke's actual due date.

But he's here.

In fact, he's four days old.

Here's a quck update on how everyone is doing:

Luke: Super sweet. Wants to be held all the time. Snuggles, snuggles, snuggles. Would nurse all day if I let him. Sleeps all day, up for several hours at night. Losing weight (down to 6 lbs 14 oz today). Bilirubin is borderline for jaundice (daily visits to the ped's office). Cutest baby ever--looks just like Meryt did.

Taken in the hospital when he was 1 day old.

Meryt: Gets the Big Sister of the Year award. You could not find a big sister who loves her baby more. She wants to introduce him to everyone who glances in our direction. If Luke cries, she rushes to comfort him. We have truly been blessed.

Taken when Meryt first met Luke. Sweetness!

Dwayne: He's on daddy-high-heaven. He's getting the most sleep. He can sleep through Luke's crying. He's completely on call during the day. Doing great.

Me: I'm healing pretty well. I can get around fairly well, but lose energy during the day and need to rest. My milk hasn't come in, so I'm feeling a tad bit of stress (LOTS) about that. (Will gladly take advice, if it's kind and helpful!) I want to nurse to badly this time...it's frustrating that we're struggling with this again. I love holding my sweet boy and watching Meryt get to do the big sister things.

We're doing great, overall. Sometimes I just stare at Luke and ponder the miracle that he is. He's ours. He was just a dream and now he's our reality. We are praising God for him every moment!

A Miracle

2010-11-11T16:21:00.002-05:00

Our little miracle is here. And he truly is a miracle. I just can't believe that three years ago we had our first miscarriage and now we've got this new little guy around...and he's OURS!

This is the birth story. I just don't want to forget anything.

When I went to the doctor on 11/4, I was 2-3 cm dilated. I knew I could stay that way for a while, so I wasn't expecting much to happen. I was hopeful that I'd progressed a little bit when I went for my next appt on 11/9. I was contracting a little when I got there at noon on 11/9, but had been at school all morning and wasn't sure anything was really going on. I was tired of being pregnant, so I asked to be induced. Jeri, the midwife, said no way. I wanted to go natural and she didn't really think I wanted to be induced. She stripped my membranes and sent me home to rest.

HA. There was no rest. The contractions started around 2:00 and increased during the afternoon. Dwayne and I were texting back and forth. I finally called the dr's office and told them the contractions weren't steady, but they were intensifying and I was going to wait for Dwayne to get home from work and then head to the hospital. Jeri's nurse agreed that was a good plan.

By 5:30, we had dropped M off with Dwayne's family and we were on our way to the hospital. The pain was pretty intense and I told him FORGET NATURAL. I was a fool for thinking I could do that. He agreed to whatever I needed.

We were admitted by 6:30 and in a labor and delivery room by 7:00. I had my epidural not long after that--that pain was incredible and I was feeling pretty sick. My sweet friends, H and P2, showed up between 7:15 and 7:30 to help me labor. We visited and relaxed a little, the epidural helped a lot.

Around 9:00, the pain intensified tremendously. Even with the medication, I was still feeling every contraction. The girls helped me labor through them, encouraging me in all the right ways. I honestly do not think I could have done it without their help. Dwayne was incredible and their help to me enabled him to focus on helping the midwife.

I had some blood pressure issues and Luke's heartrate would not stabilize, so there were some rather intense moments. His labor and delivery were FAR MORE DIFFICULT than M's. There is absolutely no way I could have done it naturally.

He was delivered at 11:09 on 11/09/10. He was sunny-side up with his head looking up instead of down. Getting his sweet little head out was the hardest part, but definitely rewarding. As soon as his head was out, he was turned. When I delivered his shoulders, my body felt a tremendous amount of relief.

Delivering him was much harder on my body...there was a lot more damage with him than when I delivered M. Despite that, I've felt better since he was born. I'm more mobile, I have a tad bit more energy. I haven't felt sick once! That's huge! :)

M is an AWESOME big sister. I'll give her her own post tomorrow so I don't forget anything about these first few days.

Last night was really rough for us. Luke was having some choking issues and had to have his tummy drained. He quit nursing most of the night and screamed for hours. This morning, he had to have more yucky stuff drained from his tummy. He's been a champ since around lunch time. He's napping right now as I look at him.

I just can't tell you how blessed we feel. I'll post some pictures later tonight. The laptop isn't plugged in and I'm running out of juice. Thank you for all your love and prayers!! Praise God for all his blessings!

He's on his way

2010-11-09T17:00:00.001-05:00

We're on our way to the hospital. It seems that little Luke is on his way! We'll update when he arrives.

Need Some Mama Help

2010-11-03T16:45:00.002-04:00

M and I had our first embarrasing moment together where I wanted to throttle her into the southern hemisphere and let her roast all by herself.

It started out rather innocently. We stopped by a new cupcake store (AMAZING!) and bought a few cupcakes for a treat.

Then we went to pick up some stationery I bought for the kids. When the lady showed M her cards, she (the lady) said, "Yum! These look delicious! I love them. Don't you?"

And M replied, "No. I don't like them at all."

UM! EXCUSE ME?!?! Was that my sweet girl that is normally NOT a brat? The little girl that just picked out a cupcake at the store as a fun afternoon treat? What in THE WORLD were you thinking, M?

So, she's not allowed to have her cupcake. She's not allowed to have her princess music. She's upstairs in her room thinking about her actions right now. She's not going to watch her favorite show this afternoon.

Too harsh? Not harsh enough? I just can't believe she was that unkind and is that unappreciative. I don't want a bratty little girl. I know cards aren't really that exciting, but she should still be kind to the store lady and thankful for a gift.

What would you do?

A School Story

2010-11-02T21:34:00.002-04:00

Perhaps you don't know where I teach or what kind of children and parents I deal with. I LOVE my school and I LOVE my kids. I teach in a Title 1 school, which means over 70% of our school population lives below poverty and qualifies for free or reduced lunch. I definitely don't teach at an "inner city" school, but I have children from all types of families. A.L.L. types of families.

This morning I happened to run into one of my moms (do you remember THIS story?) who is clearly expecting another baby...this one is number 6. Five daddies. Six kids. A.L.L. types of families.

I happen to really like this mom and I adore her little boy. We'll call him Daniel.

Me to Mama: Hey! Did Daniel tell you he was on our TV for having such good character? He represented our class for friendship!

Mama: Nah...he don't tell me that.

Me: We're so proud of him. He's always so kind to his friends and gets along with everyone. If he notices someone on the playground is alone, he joins them. He's just precious.

Mama: (smiling) Yeah...he a good kid. But, I noticed he kinda dumb.

Me: (trying not to choke) He's not dumb! I have noticed that he's struggling some. He's so cute that he thinks he can get away with not giving me much effort.

Mama: M'Benson, my other kids be bad, but they be SMART! Daniel...he so different. He be so good all the time, but he be dumb! (This is COMPLETELY true. My school is a magnet school and two of her children have been kicked out because of their behavior! But they are smart. Really smart.)

Me: Please don't say he's dumb! And certainly don't tell him that! We might want to think about letting him repeat kindergarten. It certainly would help him, but I think he knows more than he's showing me. He just grins at me when I ask him something. When I correct his behavior, he just gives me that sweet grin.

Mama: I put him at the table wit his big sister. Now, M'Benson, she can teach those other children (she's in 4th grade, by the way...and the little mama in the home) anything they need to know. When she work with Daniel, he just sit there. He don't care nothing about learnin' from her. He just don't care. I'm telling you...he dumb. I know he cute and I'm glad he be good at school, but he dumb. We even do dat ting you said about givin' him some shavin' cream and lettin' him spell his words. M'Benson, he don't even know he letters! How he gonna ever learn anyting if he don't know he letters??

Me: (flabbergasted...I don't think I've ever heard a mama telling me that her child is dumb!) Ms. Dumb-Mama, let's get together and work on this. Let's have a conference and make a plan for Daniel. I just don't think he's dumb. I think he can learn everything we need him to know. I'm thankful that his sister can work with him. I'll give you some other ideas to help him.

Mama: Oh, thank you, M'Benson. I know you can help dat boy. He sho' do love you and he sho' do love comin' to school. I don't want him to be dumb. I don't want him to be bad and smart either.

At this point, I literally had to walk away. When I got to my room, I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. As much as it broke my heart to hear her calling her own child dumb, I know that mostly that's a cultural difference. It's her way of recognizing that he's struggling in school and that she needs some help for him.

Disclaimer: After I typed this and was ready to post, I realize this might ruffle some of your feathers. Please don't let it. Take it as a funny story that was shared.

All About Luke

2010-11-01T21:13:00.002-04:00

Maybe I need to change the name of this blog to "All about Luke" instead of The Benson Family! Poor H and M aren't getting much face time around here lately.

That'll all change in about 12 days.

Just a funny: someone asked if I was a scheduled c-section or induction. The answer is no. Luke will arrive whenever God is ready for him to arrive. I'm just counting down to November 13 for fun...it just gives me a little something to focus on. I'm a detail oriented procrastinator. I don't really do much until the pressure is on, which is quickly approaching.

My goal this week was to clean one room really good each evening. That goal was shot all the pieces when I realized that something I thought was planned for next week is actually tomorrow evening. SOOOOO...instead of continuing on with the plan, I crawled around on the floor picking up pieces of trash that our lab had strewn about. On the other hand, when H got home, we did some good work in the kids' room. That felt really good.

In 12 short days (or sometime close to it!), our baby boy will be here. Fear and trepidation are replaced with absolute excitement. My only fear is the actual delivery. The closer it gets, the more anxious I get about that. M's was quick and easy...what if his is long and drawn out? I've allowed myself to get a bit psyched out. Last time, I had no idea what to expect. This time, I've got the memory of before. The good thing is that labors come to an end...and I'll hold him.

His clothes are so tiny! His little snuggles are so soft! His diapers are minuscule! And in 12 days, it will all be so real.

Stay tuned....we'll be back to our regularly scheduled "The Benson Family" in a few days!

So very thankful...and scared

2010-10-24T17:32:00.003-04:00

Dearest Luke,

If there is one things I struggle with as you grow in my tummy is the reality that not all mama's get to bring their babies home. Truthfully, I've spent the better part of the past two weeks calming myself down, reminding myself that your appointments have been absolutely normal, that your heartrate is perfect, that you are in a great position for delivery and on and on. Little man, I have no idea what my problem is except that I lack faith that the Lord is truly blessing us with YOU! I love feeling you kick and move inside me.

We've had two baby showers and, man, oh, man, have we been blessed! I can't wait to actually hold you and dress you in all the sweet things you've been given. I can't tell you how much we are loved. There are so many people who have prayed with us and for us as we waited for you and now that you are almost here, they love to shower us with wonderful things!

You are due to arrive in 20 days. Buddy, that's less than 3 weeks! How is that possible? M is excited beyond belief--she has three "Big Sister" shirts to wear. Daddy put your car seat in the van today. Your crib is up. The bassinet sheets are being washed right now. Diapers and wipes are here and I need to put them in the changing table. I really need to sort and wash your first set of clothes so I'll have something clean to put you in when you get here. Daddy is excited that you are due on the UGA/Auburn game day. I need to find you a newborn UGA outfit to take to the hospital with us so we can put it on you as soon as you are born. 20 days!! I'm so thankful...and so scared!

I want you to know a little bit about your daddy. He is so excited about having another baby in the house. Truthfully, he's normally the one who is a little pessimistic and I'm the one who believes everything is fine and dandy. With you, he absolutely can not wait for you to get here. He was the same way with your big sister. He LOVES having babies around. Last week, he dismanted, washed, and reassembled every single bottle, the bottle holder, the baby food carousel, the car set and stroller. If you came tomorrow, he'd be ready.

You are one loved little boy. We are having so much fun looking at all the blue boy stuff. We're thankful we have a girl because we got to do the pink hairbows, butterfly, flower thing before. Now we're doing trucks, trains, dinosaurs, and tools. It's so much fun! We can't wait to see how different your personality is from M's. I know you will your own little person.

20 days, little guy. Just 20 days.

We love you,
Mama, Daddy, and M

I.N.C.R.E.D.I.B.L.E.

2010-10-13T21:20:00.002-04:00

33 miners.

69 days.

Less than 24 hours.

How in the world can you not want to praise God right this moment? This is incredible. I am beyond amazed that it took less than 24 hours to rescue 33 miners who have been trapped for 69 days. They are healthy. They are in good spirits. They are reunited with people who love them. They can see the sun rise tomorrow morning, for the first time in 69 days!

There are hundreds of people who played a part in this rescue. Hundreds of minute details had to come together in just the right way for this to happen successfully. The people were in place. The details came together.

Incredible.

5 Things about my Favorite 5 Year old

2010-10-12T15:52:00.006-04:00

Who is this stranger that robbed me of my baby? I just can not believe M is five today. It's 4:19 PM right now as I type and five years ago, she was still part of me, not quite yet ready to enter the world. But it wouldn't be long. Not long at all.

Sort of like the past five years. Not long. Not long at all.

I don't want to forget her at this stage. I always thought four was my favorite age, but I'm adjusting my thinking. I L.O.V.E. five (or at least the few weeks leading up for five!).

Here are five things about my favorite five year old:

1.) She loves to read.
She loves looking at books and trying to retell the story. If she doesn't know something or can't remember the details about a certain part of the story, she'll say, "You read this part to me." All of a sudden, letters and sounds mean something to her. She's beginning to hear sounds when words are presented orally and can remember how to spell the words she's interested in (names of friends, family members and pets, zoo, cat, dog, etc). If I say "zero" she'll say, "zero starts with z." Substitute a myriad of words and you'll have an understanding of our conversations lately.

2. She's really into independent play.

She'll play in the tub for hours with empty bottles or a bath doll. She'll be gone for a while and when I find her, she's got a variety of toys spread out and she's playing away. She gets frustrated with me when I play with her because I don't play "right." It's easier for her if I just stay away so she doesn't have to tell me how to do everything.

3. Speaking of independent...she's just really independent.

Since we let her pick out her own tooth paste (why, oh why did I not do that MONTHS ago?), she's brushing her teeth at least twice a day without help. She's learning how to wash her own hair. She's getting pretty good at choosing her own snack from the fridge (with guidelines: MUST BE HEALTHY!). She is learning how to pour her own beverage. She can get herself dressed (terrible as this is, I still pick out her clothes each morning). Five is going to be a good year for her.

4. She LOVES.

That's about as blanket as I can get. She is one of the most loving children I've ever met. She was involved in a situation at school in which some little boys said some very unkind things to her. As H and I questioned her about the situation, she would not say anything to get the little boys into trouble. It was sweet in an innocent way (even though we really needed to get to the bottom of the conversation!!! Thankfully, a teacher overheard it an intervened. She was the one who wanted us to question M.). She loves us and hugs us all the time. She loves our pets and is very affectionate to them. She can't wait for Luke to get her and she loves him already. She loves to learn Bible stories and hymns. I love watching her in church as things become more and more familiar to her. If there was one word to describe M, I would chose LOVE.

5. A few details. (Answers by M!)

Favorite Show: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Favorite Drink: Punch

Favorite Food: Chips n Cheese

Favorite Book: Dora Stories

Favorite Friend: Gracen

Favorite Toy: Horse Purse and Doll house

Favorite Movie: Strawberry Shortcake

Favorite Thing to Do: Swim

Favorite Color: Blue

Favorite Animal: Horses

Favorite Song: Precious Blood of Jesus (Nothing but the blood of Jesus)

Happy Birthday, M. I couldn't have imagined who you would be at 5. I certainly can't imagine who you will be at 10, 15, or 25. But I know I love you today as much as I did the very first time I held you in my arms. And I know I will love you at every single stage in your life. I am so proud of you. I am so proud of who you are becoming.

Thankful

2010-10-11T19:28:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling a little...melancholy today. Perhaps that's not the right word. There are lots of posts bouncing around in my head, but I can't wrap my mind around one enough to get it ready to put out here.

So, instead of working through a lot of "stuff," I'm just going to give you a little list of things I'm super thankful for. I stumbled upon a a blog from Canada, where they just celebrated Thanksgiving. I know I'm way ahead of Americans in posting a thanksgiving post, but I thought it would help center me on blessings instead of some of the junk that I've allowed to infiltrate today. I'm a bit tired, which makes me more vulnerable to sadness. I don't want to be sad when there is so much to celebrate and be thankful for!

1. H. He's incredible. He gave up UGA tickets this weekend because we've already promised M and the youth we're going to the fair Saturday.

2. M. She's at a delightful stage. I always thought 4 was my favorite age. 5 might just take the cake. The past few days have been AWESOME. (Despite her need of a little bit of middle of the night snuggling!) Have I mentioned that I can't seem to fill her up? She gulped down her lunch today. Tonight she's eaten spicy Chinese food, two cookies, a small scoop of ice cream, and mandarin oranges. Something strange is a brewin' in that child. Something very strange.

3. Baby Luke. He's already such a blessing. I love his little (sometimes huge!) kicks and pushes.

4. Friends. One special friend purchased a bassinet for Luke so he can sleep in our room for a few months. Another special friend called today and said she had the perfect costume for M for Halloween. Yet another friend dropped off a huge bag of boy things for us yesterday. Two different sets of friends are hosting showers to celebrate Luke. Two other friends have given us large bags of gorgeous hand-me-downs. BLESSINGS, I tell you. Actually, I can't even begin to tell you how blessed we are by these gifts. Thank you, friends, from a deep, deep place in our hearts. We are so very thankful.

5. Church. There are no words in this world to describe the change that is happening in our home church. We have a new minister and he is rocking our world. His passion, his enthusiasm, his LOVE for the Lord and for His (and his) people are beyond comprehension. He is humble. He is thankful. He is honest. He is emotional. He is unreal. After being dry for so long, I find that I can not contain my own passion and emotions. I think poor H is so embarrassed in church sometimes. I cry. I whisper Amen. I want to hold my arms in the air and praise! That is most unlike me, actually. I couldn't even make it through the last hymn this week because I got so emotional. This is good. So good. It's good to FEEL something.

So much for my quick list that I thought was going to be forthcoming! There are so many things for which I need to be thankful. The Benson Family has indeed been blessed and we need to focus on that.

Birthday in Pictures

2010-10-09T19:28:00.003-04:00

A very special someone in my life will turn 5 on Tuesday, October 12. I just can't believe that five years have passed by already! Goodness gracious. There are millions of things I love about this special someone, but today, this post is about her. In pictures. With only a few of my words.

Excited and waiting for her birthday guests to arrive.

The birthday princess

The goodies waiting to dress their princesses

Castle Cake (made by Mama, decorated by Daddy)

Thinking about her wish, ready to blow out the candles

Opening her gifts.

The guests took a Princess Walk around the neighborhood, chanting "Prin-cess Walk...Prin-cess Walk" as they marched (jogged, ran, walked) around the neighborhood.

Incredible day for an incredible girl. Nona, OB, Aunt L, Uncle T, Cousins R and I were here, too. Can't wait until Tuesday--the actual event!

A story from M

2010-10-07T20:24:00.002-04:00

(Forgive my scanning issues!)

Once upon a time, there was a princess and she had a pony and her world was black except for the sky. The sky was blue and then they had to walk a long, long time for her castle.

The end.

Story dictated and illustrated by M. Benson 10/7/10.

Times are a changin'

2010-10-05T17:47:00.003-04:00

At school today, I happened to read a notice going home tomorrow in the children's signed paper folder. (Honestly, sometimes I just skim them and don't pay lots of attention. Bad teacher, I know.) I nearly lost my breath when I saw the notice about magnet school applications.

I teach at a magnet school. In order for M to attend Kindergarten at my school, she must apply and be accepted. Then she must be interviewed and assessed for placement next year.

MY KID IS OLD ENOUGH TO APPLY FOR A KINDERGARTEN POSITION! AND IT MUST BE DONE NOW!

6 days shy of her 5th birthday and I'll be filling out a form requesting a position for her in kindergarten.

Wow. Things will sure be different next year when we're actually in the same school. I just can't believe she's ready for kindergarten. But then again...I can completely believe it. Perhaps I just don't want to!

Weirdo Comments

2010-10-04T17:55:00.002-04:00

Hey friends,

How in the world do I stop the weirdo comments that have started arriving the past few months? They link back to websites, not to actual blogs. I don't want to have to go private. Any suggestions? I'd hate to shut this down, but I don't like the

Keep comin' back

2010-10-03T22:10:00.002-04:00

I keep comin' back to this place, but I can't find the words to share. All is well. All is good, actually. We're less than 6 weeks (hopefully!) from meeting our boy. As I get closer to meeting him, I get more tired and more emotional. Poor H is married to a woman who is either mad or crying. You can pray for him and for the psychotic woman who has overtaken my body and soul. My mom assured me this is nothing new for me and is actually H's reality. That did a lot to reassure me that I will one day be a pleasant person again.

I'm normally the "strict" parent while H usually plays the "Disneyland Dad" role. Because I've been so tired, he's had to take up my slack. Poor M is majorly confused about our switch in parenting roles. Just the other evening, H bought her a treat at a football game. She'd eaten about half when I returned from visitig with some teachers I knew there. She asked me if she could have some more. "Sure, honey!" was my reply (she was shocked because I never would normally agree to that!). When H saw her hands sticky with cotton candy, he was LIVID. So funny. Normally that story would have gone down the other way.

Bedtime? What's a bedtime? The schedule nazi (me) has completely given it up. She's going to bed anywhere from 8:00 (needs to be in bed) to 11:00 because we were at the ballgame. NEVER would have happened a few months ago.

Went to the doctor unexpectedly this week because I was so uncomfortable with little Luke. I couldn't get rid of some tummy pain. I wasn't worried I was in labor, but I needed some relief. The doctor provided more mental relief than physical, but it worked. I've been feeling better this week. Going again on Thursday for a check-up. Can't believe I'm 34 weeks this week. The beginning is so slow for me and the end speeds by. The sermon was awesome in church this morning...I know because I was enjoying it and Luke was just a moving around during most of it.

Ending with a sweet story. At the ballgame Friday evening, M asked me if Luke could hear her talk to him. "Of course," I told her. She put her face against my belly and talked for a long time. Then she put her ear right where her mouth at been. When I asked what she was doing, she told me she wanted to hear what he had to say back! So funny!

July Photo Shoot

2010-09-25T18:40:00.004-04:00

A sweet dear friend of mine has a heart for the neediest among us...and she does something about it. These precious girls are in her care right now and she asked me to take a few pictures of them. There are more of these that I might post soon. Enjoy!

FINALLY!

2010-09-19T23:36:00.003-04:00

Finally! A post with a few pictures. I THINK I've got my computer issue resolved. It seems to be working right now, so we're going to continue as is. I have over 400 pictures to weed through, so pictures will be slow coming.

Enjoy a quick peek into the last month or so of our lives!

M's first day of 4K. She was thrilled to go back to school, but rather nonchalant about it. "Mama, I've been to school a me-llion (million) times."

First day of dance (which happened to be the afternoon after her first day of school)! This was another story. She was WOUND UP tight about going and loved every single minute of it.

This is what happens when you tell your rather quirky four year old to dress herself to go out to lunch. She's got on a "real" outfit underneath (khaki shorts and a purple shirt) with a princess dress on top, knee socks rolled down and mismatched "glass" slippers. Honestly, I didn't really care this time. She got lots of "knowing" looks from other moms and grandmothers, but she didn't even notice. If she's confident enough to dress like that and leave the house, more power to her. Most of the time, we pick out her clothes and she never fusses or argues. It won't hurt anything for her to exert her independence once in a while. Right?

Quick School Update

2010-09-14T17:42:00.002-04:00

I say quick...you know how that goes with me.

I really, REALLY love my class this year. I've got 24 little students, which is way too many in kindergarten. However, they are DELIGHTFUL. There are moments when I want to pull my hair out, but overall, I really enjoy them.

I've got an incredible student teacher. She did a lesson with them today, so I was able to sit back and be the support person. I loved watching the kids interact with Ms. StudentTeacher. I loved how they incorporated things I've taught them in their discussion with her. I loved watching their little faces completely focused on her. It made me appreciate them even more. I felt like I was watching them through a window.

I've been doing my annual conferences with the parents. As I pull their signed papers to show their progress, I'm amazed at how much they have already learned in 29 days of school. They are truly little sponges, soaking up all the teaching I put out there. Their handwriting has improved dramatically in the past few weeks. They are already beginning to read. Two little girls were in stations (centers) last week and one said, "I want to be the teacher and you be the student." Then I proceeded to listen to them do "Mrs. Benson." It was hysterical. They used vocabulary I used (schema, background knowledge, you can do it! Great job, buddy!) and pretended to teach one another. Today, two little boys were in the poetry station, reading our poems. They were so funny, "reading" the poems together. It was obvious they had memorized the poems, but they were moving their pointers left to right and top to bottom. They weren't quite making one-to-one (pointing to each word as they read), but they are well on their way.

It's going to be a good year, for sure.

There...that wasn't so bad. It wasn't too long, was it?

Raw

2010-09-13T20:55:00.002-04:00

I have no idea what's wrong with me the past few days. I'm a ball full of rawness. Tears are on the surface all the time, ready to spill at the tiniest encouragement.

For example:

Comments: "I know this church has been hurting." *hiccup, sob*

Songs: Revelation song sung by a youth choir that I don't even know. *hiccup, sob*

Children: "Mama, I still think you're a good mama, even though you're treating me like a servant." *hiccup, sob*

Loss: Grandmothers of students, internet strangers that I've never even met before *hiccup, sob*

Pregnancy: Throwing up *hiccup, sob, sob*

What in the world? I honestly have no idea what's wrong with me. I'm certainly not crying all day, but don't think the tears aren't close. They are easily called forth without much (if any!) effort.

Strange. I certainly feel raw from being so emotional. It makes me even more tired than normal and less able to handle the small day to day stresses that normally (hopefully) roll off my back without much thought. I'm not sure if the Lord is just pulling scabs away, forcing me to really feel, live in the moment, rely on Him more heavily. If so, I accept the challenge. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about it, so I'll just lean into it and trust that He has a reason for wanting me to be so exposed right now.

9/11...Nine Years

2010-09-11T08:51:00.002-04:00

It's hard to believe that nine years ago, someone walked into my classroom and quietly whispered to me, "There is something terrible going on in NY. Make sure you don't turn on your television for any reason." So, as soon as I settled my children into an assignment, I turned the television away from them and turned on CNN, pushed mute and read the captions. At which point, my heart and stomach exited my body. I quickly turned the TV off and pretended that all was well with the world, even though reality as every one knew it had shifted about 10 degrees to the evil.

I couldn't stop watching the round-the-clock coverage. It became an addiction for me. I had a wedding shower the weekend after in the town where I grew up. Every chance I had, I was parked in front of the television, watching the same stories over and over again, crying, kleenex piling up beside me. I'll never know how I made it through the shower. It seemed to weird celebrating when buildings were still smoldering.

I remember one story in particular. A lady could not find her husband (I don't remember the details: maybe he was a rescue worker or perhaps he'd been at work in one of the towers), but she was pregnant and gave birth during the weekend, without her husband. She was so devastated that she couldn't even name her own daughter. The doctors named the baby Hope. Every year on 9/11, I pray for that family. Hope will be 9 years old in a few days. Did her father ever come home? Was he missing or dead? Hope. Hope. Hope. So much promise in such a tiny name.

And now, 9 years later. My own brother is out fighting evil on the streets, trying to make our nation a little safer, one traffic stop, one broken law, one stray bullet at a time. He was only 18 when the planes flew into the towers. He's had a rough, bumpy road, but he's found himself living his life's dream while wearing a bullet proof vest and a gun holster.

I could not be more thankful that there are men and women like him, who are willing to take on the dark sides in this world so that we can live in a country where we are free. Men and women who will confront all that is not safe to make us safe. Men and women, police officers and firefighters, who knowingly walk into situations that are dangerous and scary so we can close our eyes at night with confidence and sleep in peace.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thoughts on Week 30

2010-09-04T19:40:00.002-04:00

Thank you, Lord, for 30 precious weeks with our boy.

I can't believe that 30 weeks ago (well, 28 to be specific), we weren't pregnant, although my body was preparing to carry our son. I live in awe that the Lord is blessing our family with another baby. I honestly had given up on the dream. I was at the end of my rope. I couldn't do it any more. The emotional cycle of hopefullness, attempt, hopelessness had left me empty and I was running on nothing.

And that's when He worked a miracle for us and in us. That's when He had me where He wanted me... utterly and completely dependent on Him.

In ten short weeks...somewhere around 70 days, we will see our miracle face to face. I will hold him in my arms. Can you imagine? Can you imagine the joy of actually SEEING a miracle? I don't know what that will look like. I don't know what it will feel like, but I feel a change in me already. A preperation. When M was born, I didn't know loss and desperation. I knew only anticipation and excitement. This time, there is a vast array of different emotions. Will I be able to let him go, even for a second? Will I be able to share him...the baby that was so prayed for, cried over, WANTED? Will I cry? Will I see the face of my God? Will I see His image in my arms?

I don't know what work the Lord will do in our lives, but I know His plan is perfect. His time is not (was not) my time, but He worked a miracle to bring Him glory in a time and way that only He could. And we get to live it. Perhaps that is the lesson in this...we are actually living the plan perfectly designed for our family. By taking the control away from me (the consumate control freak!), God taught me brought me to my knees and taught me to trust Him in ways deeper than I ever have before.

Sampson

2010-08-25T21:47:00.002-04:00

I'm sure you're tired of hearing this, BUT another pictureless post because pictures are STILL on my camera. I won't mentiont the part about not taking a single picture of Sampson yet. More on that in a minute.

Timeline
Tuesday
4:45 PM: Cell phone rings while I'm still at school.
"Natalie, this is B. There is a rescue lab that needs a home. Would you guys be interested?"
Called H to check with him. Need more information.
4:50ish PM: Yes, we're interested. Get contact information.
5:00 PM: Contact "owner" and make arrangements to see puppy.
7:00-7:30 PM: Discuss questions and concerns on the way to see puppy. Make a family decision that if it doesn't feel right, we'll walk away, no tears.
7:33 PM: See "our" puppy for the first time. M was enthralled with sweet boy from the moment she saw him. He took to her pretty quickly, too. She really doesn't understand that we will be taking him home with us.
8:00 PM: Somehow or other (still a blur), H is able to shove sweet boy in the van. He did NOT want to get in. I sit in the backseat with him. He rides home snuggled on my feet.
8:00-8:45 PM: Ride home, discuss names. Sampson just feels right for him. Now we've got a name for our boy.
8:45-9:15 PM: We play with and welcome Sampson home. He's completely overwhelmed. M and I go to bed.
9:15 PM-1:30 AM: H spends lots of quality time with Sampson. Sampson seems most frightful of H, so H wants to make sure they bond with each other. Even after H puts Sampson in his kennel, he sleeps on the floor beside it so Sampson won't be too afraid.

Wednesday:
Sampson has a great day!
He's beginning to adjust to our family.
He will go in his kennel with the encouragment of a treat or two.
He only had one accident in the house today.
He is completely in love with M and wants her attention.
His little personality is coming out.
He's a chewer, so we've had to take several things away from him (shoes, M's toys, etc.). Whenever he takes something of M's and we try to take it away from him, she says, "It's okay. That's not my FAVORITE toy."
He sleeps on my feet whenever I sit at the desk.
He's still so scared of so many things. We've got a job to love him lots until he's comfortable in our family.

A new beginning

2010-08-23T09:35:00.002-04:00

**This is a pictureless post because we're STILL having some computer issues and I just can't risk putting 300 pictures on the computer and causing it to crash.**

Today marked a new beginning for M. She had lots of trouble sleeping last night because she was so excited. Anyone who would listen yesterday heard about her upcoming excitement.

M started 4K this morning. The long awaited 4K. She chattered, withouth pause, the entire way to school about nothing...an indication of her slight anxiety. Before we left the house, I asked her if she was nervous. "Mama! I'm not nervous. I've been to school a meellion and a meellion (million) times. I'm not nervous at all!" 4K has loomed large in her mind for a while now. In the spring, H and I started hearing, "When I'm in 4K...." about so many things. That phrase lasted throughout the summer and increased in frequency the past few weeks. I'm not sure why 4K was such a huge monument for her, but it is and so it shall be for our family. We've encouraged her and built it up right along with her. H took her to Open House last week. She loved seeing her classroom and meeting her teacher. She even told me about one of her new friends. I asked her about some friends from her 3K class, only to discover that every other child she knows from preschool is in the other 4K class! That didn't seem to bother her one tiny bit. She marched in this morning as proud and confident as could be. I spoke with the teacher for a few minutes, watched her play, and left. As confident as she is with us and friend we have in our home, I'm always amazed at how reserved she seems to be in a new environment.

Not only is today her first day of preschool, she also starts ballet this afternoon! She's as excited about that as she is about going back to school. I can't wait to see how sweet she looks in her ballet leotard and shoes and how much fun she has in class.

{Pictures will come as soon as we get this computer issue resolved.}

Almost 28 weeks...random thoughts

2010-08-18T19:48:00.002-04:00

Dearest Precious Boy,

I can't believe you've been with us for almost 28 weeks! Every day that your arrival gets closer, we love you a little more and get a little more excited about growing our family. M has almost given up calling you "Handsome." Most of the time, she snuggles up to my tummy and says, "Hello, Lukie-dukie. I love you, precious boy." As my tummy grows, so does the reality of your upcoming arrival for her. You are going to rock her world in so many ways, but she's going to be so wonderful with you.

I had a doctor's appointment today to check on you. Your heartbeat was 130, which was the lowest it's ever been. You were quite still while I was there, so you might have been catching a little nap. You tend to be a super soccer player, so I'm always a bit surprised when I realize I haven't felt you in a little while. I can't wait to see if your real personality is so active! Even if it is, I hope you love to snuggle.

I lost three pounds since my last visit, but that's okay. School has started now and you've caused me to be pretty sick these past few weeks. Thankfully I've got medicine now, so I don't worry as much about getting all the nutrients you need. I think it's the combination of school and sick that caused the weight loss. You're still moving a lot, so you must be doing fine in there.

One sad thing about the appointment today. My glucose level was high. I should have been under 140 and I was at 173. Those 33 points seem like a lot to me, but our sweet nurse said she's seen it higher than that! I feel okay (except for yesterday...we sure didn't have a good day, did we?), so I'm not overly concerned. I will take another diabetes test next Wednesday. I feel very hopeful that all will be well then.

There are times, in the evening when I'm still and relaxing, that this all still feels like a dream. Like all the waiting and praying for you still seems so real and you are still a desire. Then you'll give me a good hard kick and I'll smile with joy that YOU are real, that you are an actual physical answer to our prayers, that in just a few short weeks, you will be in our arms. I want each moment to race by so you'll be here sooner, but I also want to enjoy each moment that you are growing in me.

We love you so much. Your daddy can't wait to share UGA football moments with you and M can't wait to teach you all the things she's stored up for you. In fact, just this morning, Daddy called me and told me not to worry about ever taking you to school. M plans on driving you there herself, so we'd better go ahead and buy her a car and all the things she'll need to get you to school. Daddy and I had a good laugh about that one.

Twelve weeks, baby boy. Stay put for 12 more weeks. Work hard on your breathing and swallowing. We can't wait to meet you, but we'll be patient until the Lord calls you into the world. His timing is indeed perfect and he knows the exact moment our family will be ready for you. It's almost hard to imagine that His love for you is even greater than ours, but it is true.

Love,
Mommy

Our Day...

2010-08-14T10:34:00.001-04:00

M is a flower girl in a wedding today! Can't wait to post pictures of her all dressed up in her finery with a fancy hairstyle! So much fun for her!

Poor Girl

2010-08-11T16:05:00.002-04:00

Last night, I got home around 8:45. M was in bed, but not asleep. We had a few minutes of sweet snuggles and she went back to bed. A few minutes later, I heard her calling for me in the bathroom. She needed a little help cleaning up after a messsy bathroom situation. I put her in the tub so her bottom wouldn't hurt her. She went to sleep without complaint.

Around 2:30 this morning, she was snuggling in bed with me. I was able to doze on and off, but she couldn't get back to sleep until around 5:00. I constantly worried that she was coming down with something, but she insisted she was okay.

I left for work at 7:15. By 8:15, H was texting me telling me that it had started. She was throwing up. Luckily, it was never much, but it happened several times. He had to work this morning, so he took her to his office, where she slept most of the morning. I left work a little early (about an hour) to come home so he could go back to the office.

My poor girl is all snuggled on the couch, sipping on Sprite. She dozes off and jerks awake, dozes off and jerks awake. I wish there was something I could do to help her. She insists she's feeling much better. I sure hope so!!

Update

2010-08-10T21:05:00.002-04:00

This is an update to this post.

Remember this for next year, oh doubtful teacher:

1.) Today was the 6th day of school. Your students are already following directions and gaining confidence from the structure of the classroom.

2.) Almost every single student can open their own milk carton. They know how to walk through the lunch line. They can use the bathroom during appropriate times and do not interrupt all day long to go.

3.) They can read the following 5 words: and, the, is, I, a.

4.) They are beginning to request some of the things you've introduced to them (We Are the Dinosaurs and The Days of the Week song). The parents are telling you that the kids are using "school words" at home.

There are good moments each day! The kids are really coming together as a group and you are forming sweet relationships with them. Moms are confiding their struggles at home. As hard as the first days are, the effort is worth it in such a short time. This is going to be a fantastic year.

Celebration

2010-08-08T20:36:00.002-04:00

What a busy weekend! H picked me up from work Friday afternoon and we headed to the big city to meet up with my ENTIRE family (except one brother) to celebrate my grandmother's 90th birthday.

Ninety years!

Incredible.

I can't begin to tell you how special this grandmother is to me. My life is filled with memories of time she spent with me and the fun things we did. For several years she lived in the town where I grew up and my brothers and I spent tremendous amounts of time with her. We have certainly been blessed that our children are able to know her. It's true that the great grands don't know her as we did, but they will have someone to connect to our memories.

When we arrived Friday evening, we joined everyone at a restaurant for dinner. There were 18 of us and we took over the entire restaurant. It was SO much fun!!!

There was one slight snag in the weekend. When we got back to the hotel, I noticed that I had some bloody discharge. As I've been so fearful this pregnancy, that certainly did not sit well with me. I confessed to H, we both had moments of panic, but Luke was very active and we decided to wait it out. I didn't sleep much: enjoyed cuddling with M and holding my belly most of the night. We decided not to mention anything to anyone else and just see how the day progressed. Luckily, the bleeding gradually subsided during the day and all is well now. Luke has been active and busy, just like the rest of the family!

Saturday we hired a photographer to take lots of family pictures. It was incredible not being the one trying to capture the perfect picture! I can't wait to see the sweet pictures. We made sure to take pictures of the great grands with my grandmother and every conceivable family structure while we had the attention of a professional!

Saturday evening even more family joined us and we had a great dinner together.

I just can't begin to tell how much fun it was to be together to celebrate someone so wonderful and to create so many memories. I'll post pictures as soon as we can figure out this whole external hard drive issue and not crash the laptop. I can't wait for you to "meet" my grandmother!

A funny student story

2010-08-05T19:11:00.002-04:00

For the sake of my own exhausted brain and hopefully your amusement, I'm going to share a hilarious story with you. As usual, I'll make it too long and it will probably bore you to death instead of make you giggle. Oh, well.

First, let me emphasis this by saying, "NOT ALL OF MY STUDENTS ARE THIS DEPRIVED. Many, MOST, of my students are from homes just like yours and mine. Normal, loving homes with a couple of kids, maybe a dog or a cat, active grandparents, etc."

Imagine Daniel...the 4th child in a family of 5. One sister, four boys. One mother, four fathers (not in the home...four fathers, five children...get the picture?). Many last names.

Daniel: You got a baby in there? (pointing to my stomach)

Me: Yes.

Daniel: It a boy or a girl? (all up in my personal space)

Me: It's a boy.

Daniel: What his name is?

Me: Luke.

Daniel: No, what his name is? It Jones? (that's the last name of one of his brothers)

Me: No, honey. His name will be Luke Benson. I'm Mrs. Benson. My baby will be Luke Benson.

Daniel: Oh. (looks completely perplexed) You got a kid at home?

Me: Yes.

Daniel: What it be?

Me: What you do mean, what is it? Do I have a little girl or a little boy?

Daniel: Yeah...you got a boy or a girl at home?

Me: Daniel, I've got a daughter at home. She's almost 5 just like you are already 5.

Daniel: What her name is?

Me: Meryt.

Daniel: No, no. What her name is?

Me: Honey, her name is Meryt. Meryt is the name of my little girl.

Daniel: What her OTHER name is?

Me: Daniel, you really need to ask me correctly like this, "What is her name?" Her name is Meryt Benson. I'm Mrs. Benson. Our baby boy is Luke Benson and my daughter is Meryt Benson.

Daniel: (completely perplexed by this) You got a man at home, too?

Me: Yes. He's my husband. That's when a man and a lady are married to each other. The man is the husband and the lady is the wife. My husband's name is Mr. ______.

Daniel: What his OTHER name?

Me: Well, you'll call him Mr. H, like all the other children, but his name is H---- Benson.

Daniel: You ALL got the name Benson?!

Me: (losing all control I've had during this entire conversation and flat out laughing at this point) Yes, precious. We've ALL got the name Benson. Mrs. Benson. Luke Benson. Meryt Benson. Mr. H Benson. We're all Benson.

Daniel: (walking away) How about that...

A few things to remember

2010-08-04T18:28:00.002-04:00

This is a note for myself. Feel free to skip it or read and offer any suggestions you might have.

A note to Natalie from Natalie.

Lessons learned:
1.) Get the students ready for lunch LONG before you think you need to. The past two days have been hectic at lunch time and it could have been avoided if you'd been prepared.

2.) Build in more bathroom breaks and remind the students to go when you're not at carpet time. They have to go to the bathroom a lot more than you realize at the beginning of the year. They will learn that there are times during the day when they can go, but be patient at the beginning.

3.) When you have 15 boys and 9 girls, read more gross stories. Boys do not like mushy stories and princess songs. Invest in lots of gross animal stories, such as "I Know an Old Teacher." They could not care less about "The Kissing Hand."

4.) On the topic is having 15 boys, plan for lots of activities to let their energy out. There are so many benefits of having so many boys: not as much whining, almost no tattling. On the other hand, having so many boys is a challenge!

5.) You've never considered yourself a girly kind of teacher, but in the past two days, it's become obvious that you leaned more toward teaching the girls. You haven't disadvantaged the boys in the last 10 classes...you are just more aware of your own faults now. Take it and learn from it.

6.) Slow down some. Spend even more time teaching and training the routines and procedures in the classroom. Yesterday, that's what you did and the kids benefited from it. Today, you rushed things a little and the result was their restlessness.

7.) There is nothing...NOTHING...more important that your rest at the beginning of the year. Today you saw what happens when you are tired and can't be 100% engaged with the children. Next month, that will be fine. Your students will be trained. Today, that was not okay. Even though you gave 90% all day, your kids fed off your exhaustion. Fake it (more) if you don't have it.

8.) Do not give the students one moment to gain control in the classroom. It's exhausting to micromanage every moment of the day the first few weeks, but it's even more exhausting to have to reclaim control when you've allowed it to slip away. Don't allow the children to talk so loud that they can't hear you when you need their attention. Stay on them until they are trained.

9.) Even though you may get bored saying the same thing repeatedly, they need to practice, practice, practice your expectations. Don't talk when they don't do it right. STOP. Do it again. And again. And again. Until they do it perfectly.

10.) Teach the children how to tuck their shirts in immediately. Dress code issues can be so time consuming. It'll take a while to work on the shoe tying, but shirts can be done immediately.

11.) Keep a little journal of the things you do differently this year in case you ever have another year with so many boys or just discover ideas about how to reach the boys more effectively. This is a great year for you to learn and grow as a teacher. Make it fun for everyone!

12.) You really do not dislike the first few weeks of school. The reward is not immediate, but it does come and it is sweet.

Yes, they are all this young and immature when they come to kindergarten. Yes, they will mature and grow up. Yes, you can do it. Yes, you can make it another few hours. Yes, it's okay to feel GOOD when they leave.

Quick Prayer Request

2010-08-02T19:50:00.003-04:00

I've got a quick prayer request.

My students show up tomorrow. My pregnancy is going great...except this whole vomitting thing. I can't seem to predict when it will happen or why. It's not triggered by a certain type of food. Unless you consider eating.

I sure would appreciate any prayers for this to go away. I can handle (sort of) throwing up at home (or even at church), but I HATE to throw up at school. Particularly because I don't have lots of warning and might not be near a bathroom or have to use the student bathroom where everyone would be a witness (well, not actually SEE the act, but I'm not exactly quiet). I'd really, REALLY rather not throw up in a trashcan in front of the students. That would be bad. They are in KINDERGARTEN.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Thoughts on Week 24

2010-07-25T09:39:00.003-04:00

Dearest Precious Luke,

(How fun that we know you are a boy and can begin calling you Luke!)

Once again, I must remind us that you are truly a miracle from God. I've had many more moments of peace in the past few weeks as you love to move around. The Lord has been and continues to be so gracious to me as your mama.

Your big sister is so in love with you already...and we don't even know you yet! I can't wait to watch her with you and watch the sibling love develop between both of you. She wanted a brother so bad and has loved picking out special things for you when we're out. Your daddy and I take her to all of our doctor's appointments. M loves listening to your heartbeat. The doctor this week was great and let us listen for a long time. When M heard it, her eyes widened and she said, "Isn't that INCREDIBLE?" Such a sweet time for all of us as we prepare for your arrival.

Your sister was an easy baby. We easily adapted to being her parents. She loved to sleep and was always easy to have around. When she was in my tummy, she stretched a lot, but wasn't a big kicker. You, on the other hand, sweet boy, love to jump around in there. You move so much more than she did. I can't wait to meet you and see how your personalities are different. I wonder if you'll look like her or if you'll have your own sweet look about you.

There are only 16 weeks until your arrival. I can't believe we're on the downhill slide. In so many ways, 16 weeks feels like an eternity to wait. But I know that each day marches by entirely too quickly and you'll be here before we know it! Keep growing in there. Keep kicking.

Love,
Mama

MIA

2010-07-18T08:57:00.002-04:00

This little bloggy has been neglected.
This little bloggy feels sad.
This little bloggy needs some attention.
And it needs it real bad.

Whew! HEEEELLLLLLOOOOOOO bloggy friends!

We're back, we're back, we're back. After a very, VERY (did I mention VERY!) busy week, M and I took to the road and spent a week with my parents. It was completely delicious and we had such a great time. I was a little teary when we left yesterday, as I realized how much we miss by living so far away. Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know that 3 hours isn't SO FAR AWAY, but when you consider that we packed M's bike up in the van and drove to a park where she could safely ride her bike, play on a playground, eat lunch in an air conditioned cafe {that served Starbucks, no less}, AND play in a splash pad ALL AT THE SAME PLACE, you kinda realize that the city of my childhood has so much to offer that our current city just hasn't achieved yet.

There will be a heavy picture post as soon as I get the energy to download all the pictures from the camera to the computer and hope it doesn't crash. :)

Other than the park, our week was full of delicious fun:
--2 full days spent with cousins
--beach fun
--backyard pool time
--painting
--finding caterpillars in the garden
--indoor swimming
--park time
--puppet shows
--lots of love and snuggles with Nona, OB, uncles, an aunt and two precious cousins.

All in all, it was just the type of vacation M and I needed.

Oh, you're wondering about H? Poor, poor H. He was left at home with a honey-do list that included repainting the dining room (looks incredible) and M's room (looks even more incredible), plus some church work that needed to be taken care of.

I don't really know what to write about, but I'll work on sending you a few more messages this week and not ignoring this special place quite as much. This week promises to be busy as I've got a class all week. Sprinkle in bunko, doctor's appt, diaper demo, and pool time...living life to the fullest before I go back to *gasp* school.

New Adventure

2010-07-06T21:47:00.002-04:00

Several weeks ago, M inherited a Backyard Jungle tadpole habitat. We don't live near a pond or water source, so I've asked around to a few folks to see if anyone could track down some tadpoles for us. Everyone is busy. No one ever caught any tadpoles for us.

Little did I know, we had a treasure trove of tadpoles right here, at our house!! :) Tonight, I was bathing M when H called upstairs, "I need you outside right now with a jar of water!"

Um...okay. I can honestly say in 10 years, I've NEVER heard that request before! I left M in the tub, filled up our tea pitcher with water and went to find H. H was digging around in the shed, mumbling under his breath. By this point, I was completely baffled!

"This is suddenly getting harder than I thought it would be," he said to me. I still have no idea what's going on. He rushes in the house and I hear banging around in one of the closets. Out he comes again.

"C'mon." That was it. Just a one word command.

Follow him I did. To M's play area where he plunks himself down by her sandbox. Or what used to be her sandbox. Last fall, I accidentally left the top off. So we just continued to leave the top off in case a cat used it as a litter box, always intending to clean it out and start over again. Then we had a very rainy winter and spring. Now the sandbox is filled with decaying leaves and tons of nasty water. (NASTY water) Since we're hosting a little party here Thursday evening, H was going to clean out the sandbox when he saw the little squiggly, wiggly bodies of the tadpoles.

There were HUNDREDS of them in there, in a variety of stages of tadpole-life. (Even more amazing than actually finding tadpoles at our house, H remembered that M and I wanted some! He got lots of daddy points for that one!)

I don't know why he thought it would be difficult to capture them. We dumped out our sink water and just filled up several containers with nasty sandbox water. Of course, there was mosquito larvae in the water, so I lovingly strained the water with a paper towel to get rid of the mosquito larvae.

I can't wait to share with you the pictures of our tadpoles growing and changing. We're only keeping 5 of them in our habitat. I'm offering the rest to any locals who might want to stop by and take a few home with them.

Please help

2010-07-05T22:08:00.002-04:00

I'm at the end of my rope.

Bedtime is ruining our days. M has never been a difficult sleeper. When she was an infant and young toddler, eating was our issue. She's never been into eating, so we had to fight to introduce new foods. Now she'll eat lots of {junk} food, but she's having the hardest time settling down at night.

Perhaps I should have expected it today. She had a rather boring day at home, watching the tube, playing with her toys, pajama day kind of day. She still should have been tired at bedtime. She was up until at least 11:00 last night after a pretty busy day. It doesn't seem to matter if we've spent hours at the pool or had a quiet day at home. She can not settle down at bedtime. I tucked her in at 8:45 (a little later than I intended, but we were enjoying a book together)...it was 10:00 before she was asleep and that was after she cried for a good while.

I know it's summer time and she's used to going to preschool to use up some of her energy. I'm trying to keep her bedtime routine the same (bath, story time, snuggles in bed, same music, etc.), but she's sneaking out of her room, playing in my bedroom. She'll turn my TV on and watch it while she's falling asleep.

Bedtime is the one time of day I REALLY prefer not to spank, but I don't know what else to do. Does anyone out there have any suggestions to help guide us back to a seamless bedtime? She NEEDS to be in her bed by 8:30 and asleep by 9:00. I didn't spank her tonight, but her feelings were hurt after I fussed at her for playing in her grandmother's jewelry in my room and leaving it all over the floor. The nerve of me for making her clean up her mess. Pardon me, BUT I'D ALREADY TUCKED HER IN. She should have been in her room, going to sleep, not playing with jewelry in my bedroom!

I'm really at a loss. Please give me some advice. I don't know what to do.

Conversation

2010-06-30T17:12:00.003-04:00

M: "Did you cry because Mocha died?"

Me: "Yes."

M: "I know. I miss her SO much. I miss our sweetie THIS (arms flung wide apart) much."

Me: "I miss her that much, too."

M: "Well, you might miss her a little more because your arms are bigger."

The Past Few Weeks

2010-06-30T11:24:00.003-04:00

A lot has happened in the past few weeks in the Benson household.

About two weeks ago, our lab got sick. She was refusing her food and barely eating any table scraps we offered...completely unlike her. In fact, we accidentally left a box of cereal on the table and she didn't even bother it. COMPLETELY unlike her.

Mocha, our lab, spent a few nights with the vet under the assumption that she'd eaten something bad or had some type of worm. After several rounds of antibiotic shots and a few days of rest, she came home. We thought she was doing much better.

Then we left town and hired a pet sitter to come to the house several times a day. Mocha's always had some separation anxiety, so we weren't really surprised when our sweet sitter called to tell us she was having accidents in the house. After a {rather heated} discussion, H and I decided for the sitter to take Mocha to the vet for boarding until we returned.

When H went to pick her up Monday afternoon, the vet wanted to keep her one more day. During the weekend, she'd needed some oxygen because her breathing was so labored and she was still refusing to eat and drink. He was giving her gatorade by syringe. (We've got the sweetest vet in the world.) H was very concerned, but he spared me some of the details of the conversation with the vet. I didn't know enough to be concerned.

Tuesday afternoon arrives and H picks Mocha up from the vet. On the way home he called me and gave me a run down that sounded like this:
H: Honey, Mocha's not doing very well. She needed some oxygen over the weekend and her breathing is very labored.
Me: Oh, poor girl. What's wrong with her?
H: The doctor thinks she might have cancer.
Me: WHAT!?! Are you kidding me?
H: I would never joke about this. I'm bringing her home, but we need to keep things really calm for her. Tell M not to run up to her or cause her stress. No sitting on her or using her as a pillow.
Me: Is she going to die?
H: If she doesn't turn a corner by Thursday, we might need to talk about that.

I hung up on him. I didn't want to have that conversation.

When he got her home, we put down towels and snuggled with her on the floor for a while. H spoon fed her some soft dog food and gave her some gatorade.

I went to bed around 11:30.

H woke me up at 12:30. She wanted to go outside, so they went for a little walk around the yard. She was able to lay down in her favorite spot. When she wouldn't get up, H picked her up and brought her inside. He woke me up and let me know that she didn't have much longer.

We put towels under her and around her. He whispered sweet things to her and we rubbed her all over, giving her lots of love as she left our lives. It was the most peaceful, beautiful thing I've ever been a part of. I was hysterical, but I know she knows how much she was loved when she died. She wasn't alone for one minute last night. Our hearts have a terrible hole right now and we're tearful. But she was never in pain and we were with her in the end. We'll miss her...she was our first baby. I'm glad she didn't suffer.

It's a...

2010-06-22T16:32:00.004-04:00

Wanna guess?

We were beyond thrilled today to see our precious baby. I find myself still living in a place of fear instead of joy. The Lord is continually working in my heart so I might actually enjoy growing this baby. Isn't it amazing that I'm almost 1/2 way to the finish line? For so long, I believed this dream was lost to me. I almost have to pinch myself to remind me that this is reality.

So, for the baby news:

Perfect little ribs.
Perfect little heart.
Perfect little femur.
Perfect little hands.
Perfect little head.

Perfect little boy.

Yes, friends. In November, the Benson family will grow by one and his name will be

Lucas "Luke" Monroe Benson.

We can't wait to meet him and welcome him into our arms. He's already fully welcomed into our hearts. How my arms yearn to hold his precious little baby weight and my lips to kiss his precious head.

Our one profile shot. He was looking down, so we didn't get lots of profiles.

Evidence that he is, indeed, a boy.

I will never, ever post another picture indicating such information!

ETA: I completely forgot to tell the funniest story about today. H and I have been rather worried about how to handle the sex of this baby. M has been SO determined that she wants a baby brother (We only have one boy in our family...we need a baby boy so Daddy will have a boy, etc.). Well, after our appt today, I asked M if she was excited about finally knowing she was having a brother. Her reply?

"Well, I actually decided I want a sister."

That is SO her. Anything to have the last word.

10 Things We Have Done

2010-06-15T17:53:00.002-04:00

Because I am a copycat, I'm now going to borrow Kyla's idea to do 10 Things We HAVE Done. Trust me on this one...the Benson's will not be as exciting as Kyla's.

10 Things I (Natalie) HAVE Done:

1.) Driven to Atlanta (1.5 hours away) and back three times in one day.

2.) Been in a wreck. (not on the Atlanta trips)

3.) Attended several Olympic Events. (spectator...not athlete)

4.) Seen The Phantom of the Opera in multiple cities.

5.) Laughed until I wet my pants.

6.) Met a murderer.

7.) Sewn outfits for M.

8.) Been to Bar Harbor, Maine.

9.) Read a book in less than one day. (many times)

10.) Been quoted in the newspaper.

10 Things M Has Done: (she is helping me create this list)

1.) Slept on the beach.

2.) Watched TV.

3.) Played on the computer.

4.) Seen dolphins play in the ocean.

5.) Helped in the kitchen.

6.) Watched Star Worlds (otherwise known as Star Wars)

7.) Spent the night with a boy.

8.) Flew to Las Vegas. (in utero)

9.) Swam underwater.

10.) Rode a horse.

10 Things H HAS Done: (H did not help me with this list.)

1.) Been on a cruise.

2.) Been married twice.

3.) Eaten liver.

4.) Been in a wreck.

5.) Sung karaoke in public.

6.) Stayed up all night working on a home improvement project.

7.) Helped deliver his daughter.

8.) Painted a house (inside and out).

9.) Sued someone.

10.) Lived in only 3 houses his entire life.

So, friends...there you have it. More useless information to file away. I hope you've enjoyed this installment of "and other stuff."

10 Things We've Never Done

2010-06-14T17:35:00.002-04:00

My sweet blogfriend, Kyla, did a great post about 10 Things She's Never Done. In honor of her and because I'm just not that creative, I'm going to borrow the same idea.

10 Things I (Natalie) have never done:

1.) Driven across the country by myself.

2.) Run out of gas.

3.) Been fired.

4.) Left my wallet at home on purpose so someone else had to pay for my dinner.

5.) Bought one movie ticket and snuck into another movie.

6.) Been to a movie by myself.

7.) Hiked the Appalachian Trail.

8.) Been successful at losing and keeping off weight.

9.) Eaten liver.

10.) Had an addiction other than food.

10 Things Meryt Has Never Done:

1.) Flown in an airplane (except in utero).

2.) Eaten sushi.

3.) Met a stranger.

4.) Bitten another child.

5.) Played a sport.

6.) Had an ear infection.

7.) Burned herself in the kitchen.

8.) Been left alone at a birthday party.

9.) Broken a bone.

10.) Eaten soup.

Ten Things H Has Never Done: (He dictated these to me.)

1.) Kissed anyone on the Empire State Building.

2.) Played baseball.

3.) Been to the Kentucky Derby.

4.) Lived outside of our current state.

5.) Driven over 120 miles per hour.

6.) Eaten fried pig ears.

7.) Been scuba diving.

8.) Dated more than one girl at a time.

9.) Been to Mexico.

10.) Been to Las Vegas.

So, there you have it. A few random facts about the Benson family. File this under "and other stuff."

Cutest Boys Evah!!

2010-06-09T22:16:00.005-04:00

I'm a little shocked with myself for even typing "evah" on my blog, but when you look at the precious eye candy below, you'll be saying, "evah," too. These two boys will one day be brothers. They are incredible to see together. The shoot was actually for the younger brother's father as a gift, so he was the main subject. They are NOT legal yet...keep your hands to yourself.

This is the "older" brother.

Younger brother.

The light was changing every single second. We had to hurry from one place to another. The boys were champs the whole time. I LOVED doing their pictures and would love to spend more time with them!

Political Platform

2010-06-09T08:37:00.003-04:00

I don't think I've EVER used this blog as a political platform, but I heard about this yesterday and I can't get it off my mind. Perhaps you've heard about it and can give me some insight to calm my soul or perhaps you haven't heard about it and will be an incensed as I am.

Have you heard that there are plans to build a mosque at Ground Zero? A MOSQUE! at GROUND ZERO! The very place where radical Islamic terrorists attacked Americans on a quiet morning that changed the course of our history.

In this article from CNN, "the project calls for a 13-story community center including a mosque, performing art center, gym, swimming pool, and other public spaces."

Daisy Kahn of the American Society for Muslim Advancement said, "this project was an opportunity for American Muslims living in New York to "give back" to the community."

WHAT? If there are American Muslims living quietly in NY without studying radical, jihadist Islam, living their lives peacefully and contributing to their communities by working and supporting the local economy, WHY IN THE WORLD DO THEY NEED TO GIVE BACK?

As a Christian, of course I wish all people in every nation would come to know Jesus Christ as their Savior. As a Christian who believes the Bible calls the people of God to love my neighbor, love one another as I love myself, I have no problem with people who do not believe as I believe living in my community, in my neighborhood, attending my school, shopping at the same stores where I shop, etc.

I have no problem with the idea of this "community center."

Daisy Kahn also told CNN (in the above article), "There is a lot of ignorance about who Muslims are. A center like this will be dedicated to removing that ignorance and it will also counter the extremists because moderate Muslims need a voice. Their voices need to be amplified."

I do agree that moderate Muslims are thrown into the pot with radical Muslims and as a society, we have embraced the idea that most (all) Muslims are radical, jihadist who hate America. In actuality, radical Muslims are not the norm.

I don't really have a problem with the concept of this community center/mosque/gathering place/whatever-it-is. But the location seems to violate and undermine the significance of 9/11. It does not honor the lives that were lost that day. If I had lost a mother, father, husband, brother, child, or friend that day (or since then as we've battled terror), I would want Ground Zero to be a place for reflection and a memorial for those that have lost their lives. I wouldn't want to grieve in the shadow of a mosque.

I can cry if I want to...

2010-06-08T09:33:00.003-04:00

It's my...house...daughter....life...and I can cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry to, if it happened to you:

--Your sweet girl goes to bed after 10:00 pm.
--Said sweet girl wakes up at 12:30 for snuggles, but really needs to use the bathroom. Luckily, you get her there in time. She's up for atleast an hour, if not more.
--Same sweet girl wakes up at 6:05 this morning.
--Same sweet girl whines and cries all morning. She finally calms down when we put in Star Wars for her.
--Same sweet girl falls off the couch. Fall causes her cereal and chocolate milk to explode all over den.
--Same sweet girl sobs because she has to clean up the cereal. "But Mama...I think there is a lot-ish of cereal all over the floor. I'm S.O.R.R.Y I spilled. Please help me."

Can I just go put my head under my pillow for a mama pity party? I think there will be nap time at our household this afternoon.

Dearest Baby

2010-06-03T21:07:00.004-04:00

Dearest Baby,

You are truly a miracle from God. We have wanted you for so long, prayed for you, cried for you, begged for you...and all the while, God had a perfect plan for when you would come into our lives. I can't believe we've made it this far together. God is still working in my heart, sweet baby. I admit that I'm living this time with you in fear. I worry every day if my body is strong enough to carry you to be a healthy baby. I can't wait to meet you when you are a tiny, screaming, red faced baby. M can't wait to hold you and give you all kind of hugs and kisses.

I love going to the doctor to hear your strong heart beat. Today your heart was thumping away at 148 beats per minutes, proof that you are growing and thriving, confirmation that everything is as it should be at this point. In three short (but very long) weeks, we'll get to see you and discover if you're a brother or a sister.

If you're a brother, I want you to teach M about cars, cowboys, pirates, and bugs. If you're a sister, I hope you share all kinds of secrets, tea parties, and pink things that girls love. No matter what you are, M is going to teach you all kinds of things: how to LOVE taking a bath, what it takes to be a rock star, how to sit still and listen to a story all the way through, and how to ride a bike. You're a lucky baby to have M for a big sister. She's even luckier to have you as a baby.

I love you, dearest baby. My arms long to feel you in them. My ears long to hear your sweet coos and your screeching cries. I can't wait to see you in your daddy's arms, snuggled in for a nap. He's got the best arms for that, you'll find. Your sister gives the best kisses ever...just juicy enough and smack on the lips. You'll get tons of those, I just know.

It won't be long, yet it feels like it won't ever arrive: the day of your arrival. I'll wait...maybe not patiently, precious baby, and not without lots of worry. I'm still learning to trust the Lord in all things. As much as I love you already, I know He loves you even more--more than I could even begin to understand.

Love you to a million pieces,
Your Mama

Swimming Lessons: Day Two

2010-06-01T15:16:00.004-04:00

M had another great day at swimming lessons! I'm amazed at how she easily changes into her bathing suit, but if I asked her to put on her pajamas or school clothes, the first thing she asks is, "Will you help me please?"

I think M might have the cutest little swimming instructor ever. He's so quiet and patient with the children. If they don't understand what to do, he shows them repeatedly. M doesn't want to put her face in the water when she swims, so he is constantly holding her and showing her exactly how to do it. That is something we're going to practice when we go to our pool later this week. He calls her the wrong name--when they were done today, he said, "Bye Mara (like Kara)." She just said, "Bye. Thank you." Then she turned to me and said, "I told him my name was Meryt Sherrill Benson, but he keeps calling me the wrong name. I guess it's okay because he's teaching me how to swim."

So, here they are working on floating and kicking. M won't relax enough to put her head back. We'll work on that, too.

At the end of the lesson today, one of her group must have asked to jump off the diving board. I was SHOCKED when M followed them right over there and jumped off like an old pro. Our regular pool has a water slide, but no diving board. I'm pretty sure she's never seen a diving board before or seen anyone actually jump off of one. She didn't act scared at all.

This one will be my POTD for Project Life. I don't know why there is so much noise in the jumping pictures. I love this picture...her sweet face, the way she's sucked her tummy in, and how she's looking at her teacher to make sure he'll catch her.

The day ended with a huge splash! M can't wait to go back tomorrow.

Swimming Lessons: Day One

2010-05-31T20:30:00.003-04:00

After a bit of trepediation, including many questions about what swimming lessons would be like, M took a major step to independence. She did every thing her swimming teacher asked her to do and waited patiently while he was working with one of the other students in her group. One of her best friends, GW, was in the group right beside her and a little boy she's known since she was a baby was in her group.

Practicing her kicks.

Attempting to float on her back.

Catching on...floating on her back and kicking.

After swimming lessons, we spent the rest of the day at our pool with a variety of friends. After waiting an hour for the thunder to pass, M's cousins came to the pool. We enjoyed another hour or so swimming and playing at the pool. It was a super fun way to spend Memorial Day--we certainly enjoyed the freedoms that we are afforded in this great land.

This afternoon

2010-05-26T20:51:00.002-04:00

I'm thankful that I'm not sick every day with this pregnancy. With M, I threw up often until I had some medicine to help. Although I threw up, it never lasted long or was very violent.

This time, I don't throw up often, but when I do...watch out world.

Every other time I've been sick, M hasn't really noticed.

This afternoon, she N.O.T.I.C.E.D.

I felt it coming and rushed to the bathroom, throwing the clothes hangers in my hand on the floor. M rushed in with me. "Mama...why are you throwing things?"

The vomitting started. "MOMMY! WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT???"

(screeching and screaming)

"STOP IT! THAT IS DISGUSTING. STOP DOING THAT. WHAT IS THAT???"

When I was done, "Mommy, that is completely gross. Why did you do that?"

"Honey, sometimes when babies are in their mama's tummies, they get a little sick. It's okay."

"It is NOT okay. That was so gross. Did Handsome (what she calls the baby) have to throw up? Is that why you did that?"

"No, baby. Sometimes I just get a little sick. I'm okay now. Please get me a wash cloth so I can clean all of this up."

Mumbling as she walks away, "That was so gross. That was so gross."

I completely agree.

SOOC: Backyard Paradise

2010-05-22T17:04:00.003-04:00

When the economy stinks and there is no extra money and you need a little get away, head to Nona's backyard. It's our own little backyard paradise.

Head over to Slurping Life for more SOOC action.

Bittersweet

2010-05-21T21:38:00.002-04:00

Today I "graduated" my first class of kindergartners. I absolutely can not believe they finished their first year of formal school! What an amazing thing to be a part of!

On the other hand, as with all my classes, I was a bit ready to send them off at the end of the year. There can only be so much of a good thing.

They had their wings. It was time to let them fly. I can't wait to see them succeed!

The end of the year has been difficult for everyone. As much as I love teaching and being in my classroom with my students, there was lots of junk going on within our county that resulted in lots of stress in our building. Teaching is stressful enough with day to day demands. The added external pressures (and resulting expectations and tempers) really became a burden as the school year wound down this year. I know that part of it is my pregnancy and additional hormones. I really need this summer to reclaim my passion for teaching and gather my excitement for a new year. I need time to recharge my batteries.

I hope that I was able to protect my students from the stress of the past few weeks. I'm not sure that I fully succeeded in that, so I hope they know how much I loved each and every one of them. I plan on writing each one a letter to give them at the end of their first grade year and one again for their graduation from high school. They will always be a special class for me because they were my first kindergarten class. I have the privilege of watching them all the way through their education. That is truly one of the highest privileges a teacher can have.

Arrested

2010-05-07T21:20:00.002-04:00

My precious H is having me arrested.

Yes. You read that correctly.

I know. You're shocked. We're not the arresting type of family.

But it's for a good cause.

I'm going to jail for the MDA.

My personal goal for bail if $800 so I can send a child to summer camp this year. If you feel generous (please, please, PLEASE feel generous), would you make a contribution on my behalf so I'll be released from jail?

You can click here: Natalie Benson to make a secure online donation. Any amount would be appreciated more than you'll ever know. Trust me.

Naming a Child

2010-05-07T11:50:00.002-04:00

Kelly (one of favorite bloggers) over at Kelly's Korner is hosting a weekly time to share called Show Us Your Life. She's done some really neat ideas and I've never played along before. I just can't seem to get anything ready in a timely manner. But today's topic is explaining how you named your child(ren). Since I'm home with my sick child, I have a little "extra" time to play along.

For any visitors, I have a four year old daughter. On the blog I normally just call her M, but I'll post her entire name today.

Meryt Sherrill Benson

Several years before we became pregnant, I read the book The Red Tent. My favorite character in the book was Meryt, a midwife who trained the main character and was a mentor to her. There was something so compelling about the character that I told H if we ever had a daughter, I wanted to name her Meryt. He agreed and we never really discussed a girl's name again. Fast forward a few years when we were expetcing our first child. We were both completely convinced we were having a boy, so we didn't even discuss our girl name. Thankfully at our 20 week ultrasound, we found out we were expecting a girl. She immediately became Meryt. After several weeks of discussion about her middle name, we settled on my mother's maiden name.

Naming a child is something we both took (and will take again soon!) very seriously. I want our children's names to be important to them and to know that we seriously considered the name we gave them. After struggling with infertility for over 2 years (we're almost 13 weeks pregnant now), I want our baby's name to honor the path the Lord has set before us. I really want his/her name to be meaningful, perhaps meaning, "Trust in the Lord."

I can't wait to read through the posts at Kelly's Korner! I love reading about baby names!

How do you know?

2010-05-06T20:46:00.002-04:00

How do you know a pregnancy is going well? Let me give you a few ideas:

Spontaneous vomiting.
Extreme and complete exhaustion.
Frequent urination.
A strong heartbeat of 156!!!

We had our 12 week appointment today and heard a beautiful heartbeat. "He" didn't really like being poked and prodded by the machine and kicked a lot, which sounded like thumps. M was with us and really enjoyed hearing "his" heartbeat. She even told our doctor that she's having a baby brother and his name is Handsome. We've actually all taken to calling it a him because she's so convinced it's a boy!

Randomness

2010-05-01T21:26:00.002-04:00

Alternate Title: My Life

Today, I am 12 weeks pregnant. Only 7 days to go before I enter the beloved second trimester. Honestly, I'm counting down the days. I know that just making it to the second trimester doesn't promise a healthy, happy baby in 27 weeks, but it's the closest I've gotten in a long, long time and I can't wait! I'm still in regular clothes, although I happen to be more partial to my maternity under clothes than regular ones. I just have more room to...breathe.

M will tell anyone who stands still long enough that she's having a baby brother. I get interesting looks from the stranger in the grocery store that just got a bottom pat and an announcement from a 4 year old, but what can I say? She's so excited she can't stand herself. We do not know yet if it's a boy or a girl and won't for several more weeks.

H is out of town this weekend playing golf with his buddies. Last night was Relay for Life, so M slept over with a friend for the first time and completely loved it. I got some good rest when I got home at 2 AM last night and took a good nap today. M is on the couch now watching Olivia (yes, it's 9:39 at night and my kid is still up). We're going to have a "spend the night party" tonight and sleep together in my big bed. We just finished our "midnight" snack (grilled cheese and chocolate milk because that's what preggo mama wanted) and we'll head to bed in a few minutes for story and snuggles.

This morning, our precious Gretel (who is having Jekylle and Hyde type episodes) knocked over Freddy the Fish's bowl, spilling water, rocks and the fish behind a huge, heavy speaker. I panicked because I couldn't think fast enough about what to do, so the comedy ensued. I grabbed a coffee mug and filled it with cold water, only to think that cold water might kill the fish (who is on the floor SOMEWHERE at this point), so I whirl around to pour the cold water out and spill cold water ALL.OVER.THE.KITCHEN. I refill the cup with lukewarm water from the tap and rush back into the den. I look all over the floor for Freddy, but still can't see him anywhere. At this point, I start throwing things around, desperate to find M's beloved beta fish. I spot him on the floor, as still as...well, he wasn't moving at all. I tried to use a spoon to scoop him up (touching a fish: GROSS!), but he would have none of that and projectiled himself around the floor. I finally got him in the lukewarm water in the coffee mug and in the kitchen. As I was filling up his fish bowl with tap water, I remember H telling me that you have to treat tap water for fish and somewhere he'd filled up an empty bottle with water for Freddy. After slipping around the kitchen, still wet from my cold water spill, I found Freddy's water and filled his bowl up with treated water. At this point, Freddy is still swimming, so maybe he'll make it. Not a fun way to start the day.

I'm pretty sure I had some other randomness to share, but my mind is running blank at this point. M and I are heading to bed for a story and some sweet snuggles. A perfect date for Saturday evening, if I do say so myself.

A little bit of funny

2010-04-29T18:22:00.002-04:00

What: A conversation between Mom and Daughter

When: Yesterday

Where: In the car

What: "Mommy, when is our baby coming?"
"In November."
"Is it a boy?"
"We don't know yet. We'll have to take a picture in a few months to see."
"Mommy, if our baby is growing in your tummy, how will you get it out?"
Resounding silence.
"How do you think it will get out?"
"I think it will come out of your tummy."

Enough said.

My Thoughts on Pregnancy

2010-04-23T19:05:00.002-04:00

I'm not one of the lucky women in the world who love being pregnant. Truthfully, I'm not very good at it. Despite the nausea (evening is worst), exhaustion (never ending!), and general body soreness (my muscles seem to ache), I refuse to complain this pregnancy.

This pregnancy is a miracle.

Blessed be His Name.

We prayed for this little life in ways I've never prayed before in my life.

I don't know why the Lord set my foot upon the path of infertility. I don't know why He chose this time to answer this prayer.

I do know that He gives and takes away. Blessed be His Name.

I also know that my heart will choose to say "Blessed be His name."

My God is the same God who listened to my soulful wailing into my pillow night after night after each loss. My God is the same God who chose the exact moment when the two cells would meet and form a new life and blessed us with this pregnancy. He took away. He gave. My heart will say "Blessed be His name." He is the same God when abundance flows and when I'm found in a desert place.

I've been there. I've been in abundance. I've been in the desert place.

I changed. God did not.

I felt the highs and the lows. God was constant.

I walked away, angry and hurt. I came back, begging forgiveness and broken. God was working for good in every moment of the struggle and in every moment of the joy.

I don't know why God allowed us to have this baby and others continue to struggle with infertility. I don't know why God chose this time in our lives to give us a baby. I just don't know why. I'm so very thankful and full of joy. Truthfully, I was coming into a place where, while emotionally exhausted and drained from all the emotional toll infertility takes on a family, I was able to praise God in the desert.

If there was one gift that I'm aware of now, it was the gift of trust and praise. God changed my heart, miniscule moment by miniscule moment, during the past two and a half years. There were moments when I felt so burdened that I wasn't sure I would ever recover and be the person I used to be. But the strangest thing is I can never be the person I was before our first loss...before I knew how a broken heart truly feels. God has worked in my heart and changed me to rely on Him more, to trust Him more, to love Him more. I praise Him for this miracle baby. I am praising God when abundance flows.

Blessed be His name.

Raw Grief

2010-04-09T19:47:00.003-04:00

(Not mine...I'm fine)

Last Sunday morning, Easter morning, a10 year old student from my school had to call 911 because her father was having a heart attack at the breakfast table. The family was getting ready for church, having breakfast together when he collapsed. A mother and daughter lost an incredible husband and father.

I'm raw tonight from witnessing their grief and the grief of their families. It's incredible how real and how transparent it is. There was no hiding behind a stoic face. They laughed when funny stories were told and they opening, loudly, emotionally sobbed when it was right for them, when their grief was too much to hold inside.

When my own grief is too much, I hide under my covers and cry into a pillow. I stuff my emotions down until they boil out, unwilling to be stuffed any longer. I avoid grief like a vampire avoids the sun--as if feeling grief would be the end of me.

Yet, seeing it displayed so opening felt so right. There were moments when I couldn't hide my own tears. When the sadness was just too much and had to escape in a sigh or tears. How much better do these people feel because they actually FEEL? How much easier is their grief to carry because they are so open with it and recognize it as what it is? I don't mean that their grief is less or doesn't hurt as much. I just wonder how much easier it is to deal with it when you can so opening recognize it.

If they are able to grieve so opening, I can only imagine what worshipping must be like. An experience surely. To be so real. To feel so deeply. To be able to express it. Worship must be like that in heaven. How can it not be?

While I'm raw tonight, I'm also refreshed. Nothing can take away the experience of having all pretenses striped away and emotions exposed.

Beauty

2010-04-08T21:04:00.004-04:00

Today H and I saw the most beautiful thing we've ever seen.

We saw our baby's heartbeat.

And we heard it.

And we cried.

And we're praising God for his goodness and faithfulness in our weakness.

He is good.

Actions

2010-04-03T22:06:00.003-04:00

Actions galore!

One picture. Many actions.

Vintage:

Soft Fade:
BW:
Fresh Color:
Define and Sharpen:
BW Beauty:

Boost:
I've died and gone to photography heaven. Aren't these delightful? So fun and SO easy.

Help me!

2010-04-01T21:56:00.002-04:00

I've discovered a new way of life.

Some time last year, I began hearing the term "actions" in regard to editing pictures.

Friends, I had N.O. I.D.E.A.

My life is revolutionized. I'm not kidding.

If I wasn't so tired, I'd post a zillion pictures of M eating a s'more with a zillion different actions done to it.

This is good stuff, people. REALLY good stuff.

Pioneer Woman released a bunch of her actions for PSE. My sweet friend, Rachel, posted about it and I couldn't resist. When I show you, you won't be able to resist, either.

I'm off to bed now. Look for pictures tomorrow. Lots of pictures. Well, actually, the same picture, lots of ways.

It's good.

Really good.

I'm B.A.C.K...

2010-03-30T19:53:00.005-04:00

I'm sure I've mentioned this a time or two or 25: I love to make lists. So, when I was in Starbucks and saw a book "my life. my loves. my lists." I had to get it.

Wanna play along with me? Every once in a while, I'll post a question to prompt a list. I'll put my answers here. You can link up to your blog if you want to answer there or you can answer in the comments. It might be fun. I'm not sure if I have any readers anymore, but if I do, I'd love for you to join me!

Who are the people I most admire?

1. My father. Despite being on the lung transplant list, he is still living his life to the fullest. He doesn't want to miss one moment with his grandchildren. I'm so thankful that M will always have memories of her OB. Of course, my mom goes hand in hand with this. She never seems frustrated with my dad or his limitations. She is so strong and manages to always have it together.

2. M. I love her spunky little attitude. I love that she thinks everyone in this world is her friend. I love how brave she is in situations when my own heart is racing.

3. H. He's always willing to take on a new challenge. He's in a place where the Lord is working so obviously in his life. I love being on the sidelines watching it happen.

4. People who are neat and organized. I don't have it in me. I admire anyone who can keep their house company ready, who can get dinner on the table at a decent time, who has the laundry under control.

5. Authors. I love language and words and how they work together. I don't have a strong command over words or know how to make them work for me. I admire authors who spend their days playing with language, using words to make stories that entertain, challenge, inspire.

"We need a few heroes because they draw us on to become better versions of ourselves." ~Wally Bock

C'mon. Play along with me. Leave a comment with your answers or link us to your blog in the comments. There is no limit on your answer: tell about one person you admire or 10. This is up to you.

Missing Y'all

2010-03-17T20:48:00.002-04:00

Can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. I love this blog and I want to keep it up a little better. Maybe soon I'll redirect my energies into the things I really love and let go of some of the "extra" stuff that seems to have consumed me recently.

Despite being very under the weather for over a week, I've got a funny story to share.

After bathing M, I put a line of lotion on each leg and her tummy.

"Mommy, rub circles on my legs. I'm going to rub just up and down on my tummy."

"Okay." I rubbed circles on her legs.

"Mommy...*sigh* rub circles on my legs. Don't forget."

"Okay. I am rubbing circles on your legs."

"I'm just going to rub up and down on my tummy because I don't want to get lotion on my nickles."

Maternity Shoot

2010-03-08T13:25:00.003-05:00

My favorite types of photography shoots are maternity and infant. One of my sweetest friends, Lauren, is expecting baby boy number 2. I was fortunately enough to do a maternity shoot with her this weekend. Here are a few of my favorites:

Dad and Big Brother E. Go Clemson!

Rockin' away in the nursery. What a sweet place to bring home baby.

Big Brother E already loves his little brother!

Baby Boy is most certainly covered in love. They waited and prayed for him for over two years. He is certainly a blessing for this family!

SOOC: Saturday

2010-03-06T08:31:00.005-05:00

My dear friend, Melody, hosts SOOC each weekend. Her images are breathtaking...mine are mediocre. But I want to start playing each weekend. After all, I'm in the habit of taking hundreds of pictures each week. Surely I have something from the week that I can post SOOC. One of my problems is that I love to edit the mess out of my pictures! I love playing with the levels, gradient map, saturation and on and on and on.

This week's picture comes from Winter Jam 2010. It was a fabulous concert with many of our favorite Christian artists. This is the lead singer from Newsboys as he ascended in the air. I love how he is highlighted and the rest of the picture is so dark, with a hint of the crowd at the bottom. I did have to resize the image so it would upload.

Can't wait to see what everyone else is showing for SOOC this week!

March is here?

2010-03-05T17:20:00.002-05:00

I gasped when February was gone and March arrived. Not so much because it came in like a lion, which is did, but because two whole months have escaped from me in 2010! Is there some weird thing that happens as you grow up that time begins to move at super speed?

Can it possibly be March 5 today?? Already? My goodness!

We have a full month planned. Last night we went to an amazing concert with many of our favorite Christian artists. It was magnificent. We're planning a trip to the Big City to see the Harlem Globetrotter's later this month. My favorite festival in town will be here in the middle of the month! At the end of the month, my brother will graduate from the Police Academy, so we'll be on our way to visit my family for a weekend.

I'm going to try to follow my sweet friend Kyla's advice and make time to enjoy this month. To take time to slow down and enjoy M and her precious little personality, sassiness and all.

I hope you'll do the same: enjoy the changing season.

Debate

2010-02-23T21:20:00.003-05:00

I've debated even putting this post into words...giving it power over me, writing down the thoughts that surged in my head and my heart.

Yet, here I sit. The house is quiet. M is asleep. H is out. And I can't stop my fingers from typing the words. Typing doesn't give it power. It already has power.

One afternoon recently, to be truthful I'm not sure which afternoon, I was trying to grab a quick nap and this thought popped into my head, "Give up the dream. Let Me work in you."

Give up the dream? The dream I've had my entire life? The vision I've had to be a mother of three? Give it up? Are you kidding me? All this medicine? All the testing? All the trying? GIVE IT UP?

And I felt peace. Because I did. I gave it up. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being exhausted. I'm tired of the emotional toll this road is taking on me. This is the last month I can take the medicine. We'll have to go see a fertility specialist if it doesn't happen this month. I'm okay with that now. I've been more relaxed this month than before. I still took the medicine. I still tested. I still tried. But I'm not worried.

Because He's working in me.

This isn't about me. It's never been about ME. This is His story. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've had to remind myself of that. I'm merely a character in the story that brings Him glory. Whatever path He places before me, my role is to praise His Holy name. It isn't easy. The struggle, battle, war, in me to make this about me is overwhelming at times...perhaps all the time. The whispering thought, "Let Me work in you"" brought me back to the place where He wants me. Perhaps He will work in me in the way that I truly desire: by knitting a baby in my womb. Or perhaps He won't.

I'm okay with that.

Really. I am.

Every time I see this face

I'm reminded how much He has already blessed me. That only He can work miracles. That He has the power to work in me. That He is working in me.

I'm so thankful.

Welcome Home, Gretel

2010-02-19T17:33:00.003-05:00

Welcome to our family, precious Gretel!

M and I are completely and utterly in love with this teeny tiny bundle of joy.

She followed quite the sweet path to our family, unlike her namesake who was unloved and mistreated. The stones were laid for her path to our home and we all had to wait for the timing to be perfect for her arrival.

Ms. Cynthia had a stray show up, pregnant. On December 10, the stray gave birth to two kittens. Ms. Cynthia had to help deliver both kittens. Ms. Cynthia just happens to be the mother of my dear friend, Susie. Ms. Cynthia took one of the kittens to Susie for her family. They accepted the challenge of pet-ownership on a trial basis only. When we drove over for Sadie-baby's birthday, we saw this tiny bundle of joy. I would have brought her home with us that day. Thankfully, H is more level headed than I am! Sunday evening, Susie called me and said the trial was over. It just wasn't working out. She came to Macon today and Gretel became ours!!! She is officially Gretel Benson now!

Without further ado, I'd like to introduce our sweet girl to you:

M holding Gretel. Not a good picture at all, but it shows how tiny she is. (My flash didn't go off.)
Gretel is snuggled in, enjoying some bonding with M.

Look at that sweet, sweet face! Don't you want to snuggle her???

Oh, be still my heart! I could just curl up with her right now. She's got the sweetest purr and she's so warm and snuggly!

Gretel was tired after exploring our house and running from Mocha. Mocha (our chocolate lab) is intrigued with Gretel, but in the sweetest way. Gretel doesn't seem frightened of her, just curious about the big creature sniffing her all over. Gretel rolls on her back and lets Mocha sniff and poke her, then she bolts under a table or behind some type of protection.

M just said, with complete awe in her voice, "Mama, she loves me. She already loves me."

And I overheard her saying a sweet singsong voice, "Come to Mama. Come here, Gretel. Come to Mama. That's a good girl. (M picked her up) You're home now. Mama's got you."

That's right, Gretel. You're home now. We've got you.

One to one correspondence

2010-02-15T17:21:00.002-05:00

Holy counting, Batman!!!

M just counted to 23. One to one correspondence!!!

Maybe your young four year old can do that, but I'm super impressed!

Watch out, Harvard. Here we come!

(Picture of what she was counting will come later. We're going to embark on a huge craft project, per her request.)

ETA: Here are pictures of M doing her "craft project."

A little explanation about the one to one correspondence excitement: M has been counting to 20 for a while. It sounds like this: one, two, three. . .eleven, twelve, thirty, fourteen, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighteen, nineteen, twenty." Sometimes she'll keep going, sometimes she'll stop. This afternoon, I asked her how many wooden tags she wanted to paint. Oblivious to the fact that she was totally giving herself away, she counted each them one by one, saying each number correctly until she'd counted them all, for a total of 23! She has clearly been pulling the wool over my eyes by incorrectly saying the numbers. She can be such a little stinker and so passive aggressive.

Shoes

2010-02-14T20:42:00.004-05:00

M's very best friend is a ten year old. It is one of the sweetest friendships I've ever seen. They both adore each other. One of the sweetest things about the whole thing is that I met B when she was just a tiny baby. I took care of her and now she takes care of my baby.

B has reached a milestone. She earned her very first pair of toe shoes for ballet. She wanted a series of pictures before they got dirty, so we did a quick little photo shoot after church last week. Looking back at them, I see so many more creative opportunities that I just didn't think of. That's my biggest problem as a photographer. I haven't trained myself to think outside of the box, to be creative.

Snow Day 2010

2010-02-13T22:40:00.004-05:00

We couldn't get enough of the beauty of the snow. I had to teach this morning, so H took the camera around to get some pictures. These are from our church.

Narnia, anyone?

Magical.

Incredible.

This didn't last long, but it was unbelievable while it was here. Honestly, I could deal with this a few times a year. How can anyone deny the wonder of God with views like this?

This is my POTD (you can find all my POTDs here.) I just want a reminder of the snow.

It was truly amazing to see this. I was so overstimulated, looking around, trying to remember every detail.

Snow Day 2010: Incredible.

SOOC: Saturday

2010-02-13T08:08:00.003-05:00

I could do so much with this picture if I could just edit it! I love to edit me some pictures! But I've missed Melody so much and I just can't resist playing along with SOOC (straight out of camera). Of course, my image in no way compares to her unbelievable photography! If you want to play along, just click on over to Slurping Life.

Melody, I'm so glad you're back on the scene. Your absence left a gaping hole in the blogging community.

Perfect: Big, wet, and fluffy

2010-02-12T18:08:00.004-05:00

Today was a perfect day!

I woke up early this morning and finished making snacks for M's Valentine's Day party. I put it off in case school was cancelled because of the forecast for...SNOW!

Had a great time at the party. A post about that is forthcoming.

After rest time (during which I try to nap and M watches PBS), M screamed, "It's snowing EVERYWHERE!"

But what in the world does one wear when it only snows once a year (or four years)?

Here is what we decided to wear:

Pajamas on bottom. Pull on a pair of bright pink sweatpants.

Now find a snow shirt and put it on top of the pajamas.

Top if all off with a hat and a hooded sweatjacket.

M couldn't decide what to do in the snow first. She just ran around for a while. She finally decided to play in her tree house where she could run in for protection and run out to catch snowflakes on her tongue.

She took a little time to blow some snow kisses to Mama and Daddy.

We ended our snow play with a quick walk around the neighborhood. The temperature is supposed to drop to 25 degrees tonight, so we should wake up to snow in the morning. The best part is we're supposed to have a potential snow fall Monday, too!

Head in the Sand

2010-02-07T21:32:00.004-05:00

It seems I've typed those words before: Head in the Sand.

I haven't written anything because I really don't have a lot of positive things to say and I'm tired of being broken. I'm tired of whining. I'm tired of being sad. So I just haven't posted. I'm ducking my head in the sand, because quite honestly, I don't even like my own company and I'm sure you wouldn't like it either!

I went to the doctor last week because, despite a change in fertility regiment, I still am not pregnant. This is the last month I can take the medicines I'm currently taking. The most frustraing part is that the next step in fertility treatment doesn't really fix what's wrong with me. My body is working "perfectly." But it still isn't doing what I want it to do! (See... do you really want to spend any more time with me!?! All I do is whine!)

I should tell you how sweet M has been lately and how I see her little faith growing each day. She has so many questions right now and it's amazing to see her accept Biblical truth. I'll tell those stories soon.

But now, let me show you the highlight of my week:

This is my dad.

This is my dad having his book signed by our favorite author.

This is my dad and Vince Flynn.

And me! This is ME AND VINCE FLYNN. Meeting him was incredible. I didn't say much to him because I was so tongue tied. We had to opportunity to listen to him before the book signing and it was incredible. He was so down to earth and so real. He talked about his family, his home, his life. I could have listened to him for hours.

I hope to have some more uplifting posts coming soon. In the meantime, I'll be coming by to visit you and see what you've been up to.

More than a week

2010-01-30T21:59:00.002-05:00

I absolutely can not believe it has been more than one week since I've posted.

Have I been super busy? Nope. Overwhelmed? Nope. Over committed? Nope.

I've just been caught up in living every single moment! Our week was delightful. Last weekend was delightful. Today was delightful.

I saw the sweetest kitten today. Kitten envy hit with a vengence. I MUST have a kitten. We have a large dog and we have had cats in the past. We swore we'd never have another cat.

But I'm smitten. I can't help it. I need a kitten. Since I can't have a baby, don't you think I should have a kitten? It's a very logical connection to me.

Can you help me convince H?