Despite my ok-ness, I realize that my bloginess has been sort of melancholy. I don't mean to be in the throes of a pity party, because I'm not. Not really.
This time is SO different. No plans were made, no due date was set. I'm OKAY. Sure, the world is a bit gray right now. Sure, I miss and mourn what MIGHT have been. But it wasn't. It isn't.
So, there were many smiling moments today.
M and I spent some sweet hammock time today.
M and I danced after dinner.
M and I actually ate the same thing for dinner. (Um...I mean, something homemade that she actually ate!)
And there were some frowning moments today, too.
M when I said it was time to go inside.
M when I turned the i-pod off.
M when I said it was time to go upstairs for her bath.
M when I *forced* her to eat dinner.
One moment we were smiling and giggling, the next she's falling on the floor in a fit. Two seconds later, she's over it and on to the next gigglefest. Repeat scene.
Does anybody else out there live with a bi-polar two year old?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Wowsers
My body began to hurt sometime Friday afternoon. After the D&C. I even asked Dwayne if they had to cath me. He didn't think so.
Saturday: More pain, but not unbearable. I wondered if I just didn't remember the pain from the fall (September).
Sunday: More pain. Controllable with tylenol.
Monday: Considerable amount of pain. Tylenol not working so well, but not letting it get out of control.
I was EAGER for Thursday to arrive so I could tell the doctor that I was hurting. I really thought I'd over done it by going back to work so fast.
Tuesday: His nurse called me today to check on me. As we were talking, I realized I have a UTI. I had classic symptoms, just wasn't putting two and two together.
The pain was unbearable today. Tylenol was no longer doing anything to control the pain. The nurse was so sweet. She was concerned that I hadn't called on Monday to get some medicine. I told her that I just thought it was discomfort from the procedure. She said the procedure could have caused the UTI.
The nurse called in an antibiotic. Relief, at last.
The best part of the entire ordeal is that my medicine only costs $4!!!
I'm pushing fluids as much as I can and pray this UTI passes very, very quickly. I'm so uncomfortable. My heart breaks that M felt this way just a few weeks ago.
Saturday: More pain, but not unbearable. I wondered if I just didn't remember the pain from the fall (September).
Sunday: More pain. Controllable with tylenol.
Monday: Considerable amount of pain. Tylenol not working so well, but not letting it get out of control.
I was EAGER for Thursday to arrive so I could tell the doctor that I was hurting. I really thought I'd over done it by going back to work so fast.
Tuesday: His nurse called me today to check on me. As we were talking, I realized I have a UTI. I had classic symptoms, just wasn't putting two and two together.
The pain was unbearable today. Tylenol was no longer doing anything to control the pain. The nurse was so sweet. She was concerned that I hadn't called on Monday to get some medicine. I told her that I just thought it was discomfort from the procedure. She said the procedure could have caused the UTI.
The nurse called in an antibiotic. Relief, at last.
The best part of the entire ordeal is that my medicine only costs $4!!!
I'm pushing fluids as much as I can and pray this UTI passes very, very quickly. I'm so uncomfortable. My heart breaks that M felt this way just a few weeks ago.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Tenderness
Rainy mornings lead to beautiful afternoons around here.
M and I were swinging on the hammock about 10 minutes ago.
M: Oops, careful with Mommy's tummy. My baby sister in dere.
Me: M, remember, Mommy told you that God needed our baby in heaven.
M: Baby sister not in you tummy?
Me: No, there is no baby in my tummy anymore.
M: Why?
Me: Because that little baby wasn't the perfect baby for our family. God will send us the perfect baby when His time is right.
M: No baby in you tummy?
Me: No, no baby in my tummy.
M: I miss that baby.
(Gentle breeze blows some leaves and flowers from the trees)
M: Look, Mommy! My trees falling down!
And the tender moment was gone.
M and I were swinging on the hammock about 10 minutes ago.
M: Oops, careful with Mommy's tummy. My baby sister in dere.
Me: M, remember, Mommy told you that God needed our baby in heaven.
M: Baby sister not in you tummy?
Me: No, there is no baby in my tummy anymore.
M: Why?
Me: Because that little baby wasn't the perfect baby for our family. God will send us the perfect baby when His time is right.
M: No baby in you tummy?
Me: No, no baby in my tummy.
M: I miss that baby.
(Gentle breeze blows some leaves and flowers from the trees)
M: Look, Mommy! My trees falling down!
And the tender moment was gone.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Doing OK
Friends,
Your compassion is more than I deserve. Thank you SO much for your sweetness right now.
Where are we (am I) emotionally right now?
In a very strange place.
I feel like I should be more emotional about this. But this time is so different. There was never a baby. Instead of mourning the loss of a baby, I mourn the loss of...well, something else. Something that is too hard to explain. In the fall, there was a baby. There was a heartbeat. This time, there was nothing. How do you mourn nothing? I mourn the pregnancy that won't be, the brother or sister for M that didn't form. But I don't mourn a baby.
My eyes are dry today. My heart is less heavy.
Do you want to know the part that almost hurts more than anything else? M still won't be a big sister. I wish you knew her. I mean, REALLY knew her. I wish you could see the way her face lights up when she sees MKL, how she tickles her and takes toys to her. M will be the best big sister one day. My heart breaks for her; that it still isn't meant to be yet.
I'm on my knees before the Lord. I'm clinging to Him in ways I didn't know before. Two is too much for me to bear on my own. But I'm doing alright. It's gonna be alright.
Your compassion is more than I deserve. Thank you SO much for your sweetness right now.
Where are we (am I) emotionally right now?
In a very strange place.
I feel like I should be more emotional about this. But this time is so different. There was never a baby. Instead of mourning the loss of a baby, I mourn the loss of...well, something else. Something that is too hard to explain. In the fall, there was a baby. There was a heartbeat. This time, there was nothing. How do you mourn nothing? I mourn the pregnancy that won't be, the brother or sister for M that didn't form. But I don't mourn a baby.
My eyes are dry today. My heart is less heavy.
Do you want to know the part that almost hurts more than anything else? M still won't be a big sister. I wish you knew her. I mean, REALLY knew her. I wish you could see the way her face lights up when she sees MKL, how she tickles her and takes toys to her. M will be the best big sister one day. My heart breaks for her; that it still isn't meant to be yet.
I'm on my knees before the Lord. I'm clinging to Him in ways I didn't know before. Two is too much for me to bear on my own. But I'm doing alright. It's gonna be alright.
Friday, April 25, 2008
2nd Time
M has a unique nursing style.
As her patient snoozes on the couch, she plays quietly for a scarce minute.
Then she might listen to her patient's tummy (throat) with a necklace.
Hit her patient on the head with lambie and blankie (M's snugglies).
Tickle her patient.
Take her patient's temperature with a pen behind the patient's ear.
Kiss her patient full on the mouth.
Force feed peanut butter M&M's to her patient (probably because she wanted some herself)
Tell her patient "Wake up! Sun up! Wake up!"
Lay on top of her patient.
Put her baby's paci in the patient's mouth.
Don't you agree that she's an excellent nurse?
We made it through this morning. Funny how eight weeks of pregnancy are gone in less than 1 hour.
At my OB's office, there are three doctor's who deliver babies. During a patient's pregnancy, you rotate through so you meet each doctor. When I was pregnant with M, I, of course, did the same. I happen to like my doctor the best--the one who takes care of my yearly exams, etc. I saw my own doctor yesterday, Dr. B. When he asked when we wanted to schedule the procedure, I said this morning. He was out of the office today, so he asked if I minded if one of the other doctors did it. Truly, I didn't care because I couldn't bear the thought of waiting until Monday. Dr. D had time this morning and the operating facility had an open OR, so everything worked out for 8:30 this morning.
I had the greatest care. Both times I've been to this facility, I couldn't ask for better care. Everyone is compassionate. When the nurse rolled me into the OR, Dr. D. was waiting on me. He asked how I was doing and if I'd thought of any questions since seeing Dr. B. the day before. I said no.
He said, "I know this is your second miscarriage in just a few months. When you come in to see one of us next week, we're going to have a plan for your next pregnancy."
WHAT??? Dr. B said basically there was no plan. Dr. D. said we'd make a plan.
A plan, a plan! All I need is a plan! Plan is my magic word!!!
Everyone was so kind in the waiting room. There are a million people in there. I'm always surprised by that. I got a little upset after I was strapped on the table and shed some tears before I drifted off to sleep. The sweet anesthesiologist student wiped my tears away.
When I was done and in recovery, Dr. D. went out to see H. He told H that everything went exceptionally well. H asked about scarring since this is number two. He said that because this was a blighted ovum, he had to do absolutely no scraping, which is what causes scaring. He also told H that next time that I get a positive pregnancy test, I need to come to the office right away to start getting hormone shots. That wouldn't have helped this time, but it might help next time.
Hope in the darkness.
As her patient snoozes on the couch, she plays quietly for a scarce minute.
Then she might listen to her patient's tummy (throat) with a necklace.
Hit her patient on the head with lambie and blankie (M's snugglies).
Tickle her patient.
Take her patient's temperature with a pen behind the patient's ear.
Kiss her patient full on the mouth.
Force feed peanut butter M&M's to her patient (probably because she wanted some herself)
Tell her patient "Wake up! Sun up! Wake up!"
Lay on top of her patient.
Put her baby's paci in the patient's mouth.
Don't you agree that she's an excellent nurse?
We made it through this morning. Funny how eight weeks of pregnancy are gone in less than 1 hour.
At my OB's office, there are three doctor's who deliver babies. During a patient's pregnancy, you rotate through so you meet each doctor. When I was pregnant with M, I, of course, did the same. I happen to like my doctor the best--the one who takes care of my yearly exams, etc. I saw my own doctor yesterday, Dr. B. When he asked when we wanted to schedule the procedure, I said this morning. He was out of the office today, so he asked if I minded if one of the other doctors did it. Truly, I didn't care because I couldn't bear the thought of waiting until Monday. Dr. D had time this morning and the operating facility had an open OR, so everything worked out for 8:30 this morning.
I had the greatest care. Both times I've been to this facility, I couldn't ask for better care. Everyone is compassionate. When the nurse rolled me into the OR, Dr. D. was waiting on me. He asked how I was doing and if I'd thought of any questions since seeing Dr. B. the day before. I said no.
He said, "I know this is your second miscarriage in just a few months. When you come in to see one of us next week, we're going to have a plan for your next pregnancy."
WHAT??? Dr. B said basically there was no plan. Dr. D. said we'd make a plan.
A plan, a plan! All I need is a plan! Plan is my magic word!!!
Everyone was so kind in the waiting room. There are a million people in there. I'm always surprised by that. I got a little upset after I was strapped on the table and shed some tears before I drifted off to sleep. The sweet anesthesiologist student wiped my tears away.
When I was done and in recovery, Dr. D. went out to see H. He told H that everything went exceptionally well. H asked about scarring since this is number two. He said that because this was a blighted ovum, he had to do absolutely no scraping, which is what causes scaring. He also told H that next time that I get a positive pregnancy test, I need to come to the office right away to start getting hormone shots. That wouldn't have helped this time, but it might help next time.
Hope in the darkness.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Again
This post could have been written 7 months ago.
In fact, one just like it WAS written seven months ago.
Here's what happened.
High anxiety.
Laying on the ultrasound table, only clothed on the top, sheet covering the bottom.
"Why are you anxious?" asked the tech.
"I didn't like the results I got last time I was here." I said.
Eyes squeezed shut as tight as possible.
"Last menstrual cycle?"
"Feb. 22."
"Are you sure you have your dates right?"
"Positive. Is there a heartbeat?"
"Have you had any cramping?
"No. Is there a heartbeat?"
"Any bleeding?"
"NO! Is there a heartbeat?"
"No." (echoes in my head) "There is no baby. Your body only developed a sac. Never made a baby."
All the air left my body. Couldn't cry. Couldn't talk.
"When do you want to schedule your d&c?"
Never, I screamed in my head. I want to schedule my delivery! I want a baby!!!!
We scheduled it for 8:30 tomorrow morning.
The doctor said only 1 in 5 pregnancies results in a baby. Statistically, it's not too uncommon to have 2 miscarriages back to back. Because I've carried one healthy baby to term, there is obviously not something wrong with me.
This one is different. Last time there was a heartbeat. This time, only an empty little sac. It's hard to miss something that NEVER was. My body was tricked into thinking it was pregnant. The doctor said sometimes in this circumstance, your HGH levels will be higher than in a pregnancy. That's why I was having so many classic pregnancy symptoms.
I'm searching for the Lord's grace here. I'm fumbling my way through, trying to find the Cross. I'm only finding the emptiness of my pain.
In fact, one just like it WAS written seven months ago.
Here's what happened.
High anxiety.
Laying on the ultrasound table, only clothed on the top, sheet covering the bottom.
"Why are you anxious?" asked the tech.
"I didn't like the results I got last time I was here." I said.
Eyes squeezed shut as tight as possible.
"Last menstrual cycle?"
"Feb. 22."
"Are you sure you have your dates right?"
"Positive. Is there a heartbeat?"
"Have you had any cramping?
"No. Is there a heartbeat?"
"Any bleeding?"
"NO! Is there a heartbeat?"
"No." (echoes in my head) "There is no baby. Your body only developed a sac. Never made a baby."
All the air left my body. Couldn't cry. Couldn't talk.
"When do you want to schedule your d&c?"
Never, I screamed in my head. I want to schedule my delivery! I want a baby!!!!
We scheduled it for 8:30 tomorrow morning.
The doctor said only 1 in 5 pregnancies results in a baby. Statistically, it's not too uncommon to have 2 miscarriages back to back. Because I've carried one healthy baby to term, there is obviously not something wrong with me.
This one is different. Last time there was a heartbeat. This time, only an empty little sac. It's hard to miss something that NEVER was. My body was tricked into thinking it was pregnant. The doctor said sometimes in this circumstance, your HGH levels will be higher than in a pregnancy. That's why I was having so many classic pregnancy symptoms.
I'm searching for the Lord's grace here. I'm fumbling my way through, trying to find the Cross. I'm only finding the emptiness of my pain.
Monday, April 21, 2008
News Flash! News Flash!
I have a secret addiction.
I'm only allowed to indulge when H is gone. And it's Monday.
Basically, it only happens once a month or so.
Want to know what it is?
Dancing with the Stars
However, that's not the news flash. Did anyone of you watch it tonight? I was all snuggled in bed (at 8:15 to be truthful) with my glass of water, lights off, dog near my feet, computer turned off. Then I heard the words CLUB FEET. Did any of you hear those words???
Kristi Yamaguchi was born with club feet. DID YOU HEAR ME??? The Olympic gold medalist was born with NOT ONE, BUT TWO club feet.
For those of you who have been faithful readers for a while, you might remember some time ago, I posted about M's club foot. M was only born with one club foot. Kristi was born with both of her feet clubbed. Dancing with the Stars showed pictures of her in her casts when she was a little baby.
Friends, do you see the implication here? If Kristi Yamaguchi was born with two club feet and later became a gold medal Olympic winner, children with club feet can do ANYTHING. Kristi is famous because of the way she uses her FEET.
Wow. WOW. SUPER WOW!
I'm only allowed to indulge when H is gone. And it's Monday.
Basically, it only happens once a month or so.
Want to know what it is?
Dancing with the Stars
However, that's not the news flash. Did anyone of you watch it tonight? I was all snuggled in bed (at 8:15 to be truthful) with my glass of water, lights off, dog near my feet, computer turned off. Then I heard the words CLUB FEET. Did any of you hear those words???
Kristi Yamaguchi was born with club feet. DID YOU HEAR ME??? The Olympic gold medalist was born with NOT ONE, BUT TWO club feet.
For those of you who have been faithful readers for a while, you might remember some time ago, I posted about M's club foot. M was only born with one club foot. Kristi was born with both of her feet clubbed. Dancing with the Stars showed pictures of her in her casts when she was a little baby.
Friends, do you see the implication here? If Kristi Yamaguchi was born with two club feet and later became a gold medal Olympic winner, children with club feet can do ANYTHING. Kristi is famous because of the way she uses her FEET.
Wow. WOW. SUPER WOW!
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