Thursday, April 29, 2010

A little bit of funny

What: A conversation between Mom and Daughter

When: Yesterday

Where: In the car

What: "Mommy, when is our baby coming?"
"In November."
"Is it a boy?"
"We don't know yet. We'll have to take a picture in a few months to see."
"Mommy, if our baby is growing in your tummy, how will you get it out?"
Resounding silence.
"How do you think it will get out?"
"I think it will come out of your tummy."

Enough said.

Friday, April 23, 2010

My Thoughts on Pregnancy

I'm not one of the lucky women in the world who love being pregnant. Truthfully, I'm not very good at it. Despite the nausea (evening is worst), exhaustion (never ending!), and general body soreness (my muscles seem to ache), I refuse to complain this pregnancy.

This pregnancy is a miracle.

Blessed be His Name.

We prayed for this little life in ways I've never prayed before in my life.

I don't know why the Lord set my foot upon the path of infertility. I don't know why He chose this time to answer this prayer.

I do know that He gives and takes away. Blessed be His Name.

I also know that my heart will choose to say "Blessed be His name."

My God is the same God who listened to my soulful wailing into my pillow night after night after each loss. My God is the same God who chose the exact moment when the two cells would meet and form a new life and blessed us with this pregnancy. He took away. He gave. My heart will say "Blessed be His name." He is the same God when abundance flows and when I'm found in a desert place.

I've been there. I've been in abundance. I've been in the desert place.

I changed. God did not.

I felt the highs and the lows. God was constant.

I walked away, angry and hurt. I came back, begging forgiveness and broken. God was working for good in every moment of the struggle and in every moment of the joy.

I don't know why God allowed us to have this baby and others continue to struggle with infertility. I don't know why God chose this time in our lives to give us a baby. I just don't know why. I'm so very thankful and full of joy. Truthfully, I was coming into a place where, while emotionally exhausted and drained from all the emotional toll infertility takes on a family, I was able to praise God in the desert.

If there was one gift that I'm aware of now, it was the gift of trust and praise. God changed my heart, miniscule moment by miniscule moment, during the past two and a half years. There were moments when I felt so burdened that I wasn't sure I would ever recover and be the person I used to be. But the strangest thing is I can never be the person I was before our first loss...before I knew how a broken heart truly feels. God has worked in my heart and changed me to rely on Him more, to trust Him more, to love Him more. I praise Him for this miracle baby. I am praising God when abundance flows.

Blessed be His name.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Raw Grief

(Not mine...I'm fine)

Last Sunday morning, Easter morning, a10 year old student from my school had to call 911 because her father was having a heart attack at the breakfast table. The family was getting ready for church, having breakfast together when he collapsed. A mother and daughter lost an incredible husband and father.

I'm raw tonight from witnessing their grief and the grief of their families. It's incredible how real and how transparent it is. There was no hiding behind a stoic face. They laughed when funny stories were told and they opening, loudly, emotionally sobbed when it was right for them, when their grief was too much to hold inside.

When my own grief is too much, I hide under my covers and cry into a pillow. I stuff my emotions down until they boil out, unwilling to be stuffed any longer. I avoid grief like a vampire avoids the sun--as if feeling grief would be the end of me.

Yet, seeing it displayed so opening felt so right. There were moments when I couldn't hide my own tears. When the sadness was just too much and had to escape in a sigh or tears. How much better do these people feel because they actually FEEL? How much easier is their grief to carry because they are so open with it and recognize it as what it is? I don't mean that their grief is less or doesn't hurt as much. I just wonder how much easier it is to deal with it when you can so opening recognize it.

If they are able to grieve so opening, I can only imagine what worshipping must be like. An experience surely. To be so real. To feel so deeply. To be able to express it. Worship must be like that in heaven. How can it not be?

While I'm raw tonight, I'm also refreshed. Nothing can take away the experience of having all pretenses striped away and emotions exposed.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Today H and I saw the most beautiful thing we've ever seen.

We saw our baby's heartbeat.

And we heard it.

And we cried.

And we're praising God for his goodness and faithfulness in our weakness.

He is good.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


Actions galore!

One picture. Many actions.


Soft Fade:
Fresh Color:
Define and Sharpen:
BW Beauty:

I've died and gone to photography heaven. Aren't these delightful? So fun and SO easy.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Help me!

I've discovered a new way of life.

Some time last year, I began hearing the term "actions" in regard to editing pictures.

Friends, I had N.O. I.D.E.A.

My life is revolutionized. I'm not kidding.

If I wasn't so tired, I'd post a zillion pictures of M eating a s'more with a zillion different actions done to it.

This is good stuff, people. REALLY good stuff.

Pioneer Woman released a bunch of her actions for PSE. My sweet friend, Rachel, posted about it and I couldn't resist. When I show you, you won't be able to resist, either.

I'm off to bed now. Look for pictures tomorrow. Lots of pictures. Well, actually, the same picture, lots of ways.

It's good.

Really good.