Monday, May 23, 2011

Maybe, Day 23



Saturday, May 14, 2011

Maybe, Day 14

I'm certainly not doing a good job of posting every day!! MAYbe I shouldn't have committed! :)

MAYbe time is going by entirely too fast!

I'm the mama of a 5 1/2 year old who knows more than I do about almost everything. I was corrected more today by Meryt than I was my entire high school career by all my teachers. I feel like she thinks I can do no right. We were at odds almost all day. I think the biggest problem is that I am constantly caught off guard by her. She never does or says what I would predict she would do or say, so I'm always playing catch-up. I'm struggling with disciplining her so she's not a brat and encouraging her personality without stiffling her. Dwayne and I don't want a brat for a child, but we don't want to break her either. There is a fine line there. I will not tolerate her being disrespectful, which is where she bordered today--she knew where the line was and she was constantly putting her toe right on it. Usually it's not quite so brazen. I think she thought because she threw up again this morning, I was going to let her get away with whatever she felt like saying today. NOT GOOD.

And Luke...oh, my! He's 6 months old and MAYbe we've turned a corner. Gone is that constant crying, miserable, hurting little baby. We definitely still have moments that transport me back to those first few weeks/months. My body gets tense and I want to throw myself on the floor and cry, too. But the laugh...OH, the laugh! It MAYbe the most delightful sound I've ever heard. I love his extremes. I love that he's never just in the middle, hanging out. He's either screaming bloody murder (don't like so much) or he's giggling his head off (my favorite thing in the world).

MAYbe Luke's favorite toy is Meryt. They giggle and play together right now. I know it might not last. Meryt's self-esteem is boosted by the hero-worship of her little brother. Tonight she was jumping up and down and he was laughing like that was the funniest thing in the world. She exclaimed "Mama, he thinks I'm the best jumper ever!" This encourages her to continue to play with him and show off for him, which gives him much more interaction than I could offer on my own. I know there will be at time, probably when Luke can take Meryt's things, that all of this will change, but I'm going to enjoy every second of it now.

I thought MAYbe you'd want to see how much Luke has grown in the past few months. Just a little comparison pictures.

Luke, January 9, 2 months old

Luke, February 9, 3 months old

Luke, March 9, 4 months old

*so sad...skipped 5th month*

Luke, May 9, 6 months old

I'm not sure, but I think I notice the biggest difference between the 3 month picture and the 4 month picture. Do you see the difference in his little chunky thighs?

And right now he's the perfect image of snuggly goodness. He loves to be held while he dozes off and he gets heavier and snugglier the more tired he gets. I LOVE IT. He also doesn't mind the head on the shoulder position, so as he gets drowsy, I can move him from an arm hold to his head on my shoulder...MAMA HEAVEN. Because his beginning was so difficult, I'm enjoying this phase even more.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Maybe, Day 10

I was a bit too raw to post yesterday.

I HATE dealing with my inadequacies as a teacher. I want to think I can change the world.

But MAYbe I can't.

And I hate admitting that.

I have a student with SO much potential. The kid is brilliant. Even at 5, I can tell (s)he will have a huge impact on this world. Unfortunately, the home environment for this kid is not a healthy one. There is too little parental supervision. There are too many accidents because a parent isn't around enough. I'm in no way suggesting the parents are the cause of the accidents. I honestly think they are working, trying to provide for their kids.

Yesterday I ran into the wall of "I can't do any more." I'd reached the end of what I am able to do as a teacher. I can't take this child. I can't change his/her world. I've done what I can, perhaps making a different for him/her, perhaps failing miserably at times. I didn't like feeling powerless to make this life a little better for my kiddo.

Today was better. MAYbe it's good for me to have a little perspective. MAYbe I needed a moment of discomfort, of realizing that I am limited. I still don't like it. I still want to have more power to do good for my kids. But I know this...the reminder that I have limits will push me to do even more within my boundaries, to love a little more, to be a little more patient, to demand a little more. I know I often fail. But I want my students to have incredible memories of school, of learning, of knowing that they were loved and cared for every single day. Perhaps, MAYbe, that will be enough. MAYbe that will change a world in the end, even if not right now.


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Maybe, Day 8

MAYbe this will post before midnight! :)

MAYbe I'll upload some pictures tomorrow.

Two years ago, I sobbed while singing Blessed Be Your Name. My favorite line is "You give and take give and take away. Blessed be your name."

My womb had been full. More than once. And my womb would be empty. More than once.

I learned a valuable lesson in that trial. I learned that even in the darkest times in my life, when I was struggling so much to see the good, the plan, I could, I WANTED to praise my God. Trust me, that didn't come from me. I didn't wake up with a tear stained face and tear soaked pillow and jump out of bed singing praises to God. Oh, no, I did not. But there was a constant tug in my heart to choose praise. To trust in Him. To carry my burden to the cross and lay it down.

And today, while I was singing Blessed Be Your Name, tears streamed down my face again. Today it was because I know how very blessed I am. I know what it felt like to desire something so deep in your heart that there was an ache there. I know what it's like to pray every day, sometimes every moment of every day, while holding your belly that you would actually get to meet and love that baby. And today I cried because my heart was so full. Today, my dream is true. I am a mama to not one, but two sweet babies. I squeezed in as much snuggle time as I could with Luke and Meryt, smelling them, kissing their sweetness, giggling at their funniness.

And I realize that MAYbe there are many people out there who are struggling to praise in their darkness. MAYbe there are women out there who could not rejoice in motherhood today because their hearts are so burdened with loss. I'm praying for those women right now. That in their trial, they will feel the tug to praise. They will know the cross. They will know the only One who can ease their pain.

I'm praying beyond MAYbe. I'm praying for "Yes, I do know Him. Yes, I do trust Him. Yes, I can praise Him when it hurts."

Saturday, May 7, 2011

May, Day 7

Okay, MAYbe I can't keep up with every day. But that's ok. I'll just start again and pick up where I left off.

Last week was CRAZY busy. MAYbe I stuffed too many things into not enough days! I like to be busy, so I tend to stuff our days full of things to do. Then the cycle gets out of control, like a merry-go-round, and I realize I'm standing in the middle of my life watching it spin wildly out of control around me.

So, today, MAYbe we'll stay in our pajamas all day and catch our breath.

MAYbe I'll get recaught up on my laundry. MAYbe I won't.

MAYbe I'll let Meryt watch a movie while I snooze on the couch. MAYbe I won't. MAYbe we'll play games all afternoon.

MAYbe I'll get some pictures off my camera and share some sweet goodness called my children.

Oh...and MAYbe...just maybe Luke-ster has a tooth or two.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Maybe, Day 3

MAYbe I stayed out too late last night and skipped my MAYbe post for May 3.

MAYbe we had a great time together as a family.

MAYbe I'll post pictures tonight!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Maybe, Day 2

MAYbe I didn't feed Meryt dinner tonight until almost 9:00. MAYbe it's 9:11 and I'm just getting ready to read her a bedtime story. MAYbe my to-do list is still atleast 10 things long and 9.5 of them MUST be done tonight. MAYbe I should manage my time a little better.


Sunday, May 1, 2011

Maybe, Day 1

MAYbe...A month of possibilities

Day 1

After a pretty tremendous meltdown yesterday (mine, unfortunately), I realized I have completely let this family slide into some pretty atrocious habits. It happened in the busy-ness of life, innocently at first, as most bad habits start. It certainly wasn't intentional, they were born during moments of survival, but the results of my lackadaisical parenting became glaringly apparent yesterday.

In my fit of rage {The dog ate my lunch, which I asked Meryt to watch while I ran upstairs to help Luke go to sleep. When I came downstairs, her eyes were glued to the TV and the dog was happily gobbling my Five Guys small bacon cheeseburger with grilled onions and mushrooms.}, I made some rash decisions. Now that I've had time to calm down, I realize that despite my rage, the decisions and consequences are valid and necessary. I did apologize to Meryt for screaming like a crazy woman. She accepted my apology gracefully and said next time she'd watch my lunch more carefully. Our relationship is restored. :)

So, today was our first full day of living with my changes.

MAYbe good things will come.

Changes: Results

No TV for a week: We were 10 minutes early to church today. We've never been 10 minutes early to anything. This decision was not made in the rage, but after. I've known for a while that we all watch way too much TV. I don't want to rely on the TV so much this summer, so I decided to go cold turkey and just keep it off. I was in desparate need of a nap this afternoon, so I did let Meryt watch a movie while I snoozed on the couch during Luke's nap time. Other than that, that was the only time the TV has been on in almost 36 hours. MAYbe no TV will be a good thing.

All meals at the table: Meryt actually ate breakfast and lunch. This was a decision that was definitely made in the moment of crazy-mama-red-faced-screaming. It probably sounded something like "AND-WE-WILL-NEVER-EAT-IN-FRONT-OF-THE-TV-AGAIN. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER." While I didn't handle it well, this will ultimately be a good decision. Since H has been working in the evenings and all weekend, Meryt and I have been entirely too relaxed about our meals. We've picked up more Chick-fil-A than I care to admit. We've eaten cereal for dinner or had cheese sandwhiches for lunch and peanut butter and jelly for dinner. TIME TO CHANGE. MAYbe this will force my hand. We both ate lunch together today...I had to leave the table a little early because Luke was fussy, but she sat there until her meal was finished. My goal is to plan our meals for the week and have everything ready to prepare before I leave for work. That way when I get home, I can just throw our dinner together quickly. MAYbe meals at the table will be good thing.

We had a super day today. I'm very hopeful for May. I feel that it is full of MAYbe's...possibilities. I don't know what's to come. Meryt isn't upset about the TV situation. Not like I thought she'd be. I honestly thought she would ask every 2 minutes to watch one of her shows. She spent lots of time playing with Luke this afternoon. She spent a lot of time just sitting on the couch talking to herself. MAYbe she'll discover the thousands of toys in the cubbies this week.

I don't feel like MAYbe is in the gray area between yes and no. I feel like it's the colorful, rainbow area of possibility. It could be anything. And there is fun to be had in the anticipation.