Friday, April 23, 2010

My Thoughts on Pregnancy

I'm not one of the lucky women in the world who love being pregnant. Truthfully, I'm not very good at it. Despite the nausea (evening is worst), exhaustion (never ending!), and general body soreness (my muscles seem to ache), I refuse to complain this pregnancy.

This pregnancy is a miracle.

Blessed be His Name.

We prayed for this little life in ways I've never prayed before in my life.

I don't know why the Lord set my foot upon the path of infertility. I don't know why He chose this time to answer this prayer.

I do know that He gives and takes away. Blessed be His Name.

I also know that my heart will choose to say "Blessed be His name."

My God is the same God who listened to my soulful wailing into my pillow night after night after each loss. My God is the same God who chose the exact moment when the two cells would meet and form a new life and blessed us with this pregnancy. He took away. He gave. My heart will say "Blessed be His name." He is the same God when abundance flows and when I'm found in a desert place.

I've been there. I've been in abundance. I've been in the desert place.

I changed. God did not.

I felt the highs and the lows. God was constant.

I walked away, angry and hurt. I came back, begging forgiveness and broken. God was working for good in every moment of the struggle and in every moment of the joy.

I don't know why God allowed us to have this baby and others continue to struggle with infertility. I don't know why God chose this time in our lives to give us a baby. I just don't know why. I'm so very thankful and full of joy. Truthfully, I was coming into a place where, while emotionally exhausted and drained from all the emotional toll infertility takes on a family, I was able to praise God in the desert.

If there was one gift that I'm aware of now, it was the gift of trust and praise. God changed my heart, miniscule moment by miniscule moment, during the past two and a half years. There were moments when I felt so burdened that I wasn't sure I would ever recover and be the person I used to be. But the strangest thing is I can never be the person I was before our first loss...before I knew how a broken heart truly feels. God has worked in my heart and changed me to rely on Him more, to trust Him more, to love Him more. I praise Him for this miracle baby. I am praising God when abundance flows.

Blessed be His name.


Arizaphale said...

I have a colleague struggling at the moment with depression over her infertility and the blocks that are put in her path to adoption. I never know the right words to say to her but I think you have given me some. thanks Natalie and praise God indeed.

Kyla said...

I'm just thrilled for you. It is hard to walk through the desert...but there is often something worth walking through it for.