Yet, here I sit. The house is quiet. M is asleep. H is out. And I can't stop my fingers from typing the words. Typing doesn't give it power. It already has power.
One afternoon recently, to be truthful I'm not sure which afternoon, I was trying to grab a quick nap and this thought popped into my head, "Give up the dream. Let Me work in you."
Give up the dream? The dream I've had my entire life? The vision I've had to be a mother of three? Give it up? Are you kidding me? All this medicine? All the testing? All the trying? GIVE IT UP?
And I felt peace. Because I did. I gave it up. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being exhausted. I'm tired of the emotional toll this road is taking on me. This is the last month I can take the medicine. We'll have to go see a fertility specialist if it doesn't happen this month. I'm okay with that now. I've been more relaxed this month than before. I still took the medicine. I still tested. I still tried. But I'm not worried.
Because He's working in me.
This isn't about me. It's never been about ME. This is His story. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've had to remind myself of that. I'm merely a character in the story that brings Him glory. Whatever path He places before me, my role is to praise His Holy name. It isn't easy. The struggle, battle, war, in me to make this about me is overwhelming at times...perhaps all the time. The whispering thought, "Let Me work in you"" brought me back to the place where He wants me. Perhaps He will work in me in the way that I truly desire: by knitting a baby in my womb. Or perhaps He won't.
I'm okay with that.
Really. I am.
Every time I see this face
I'm so thankful.