Friday, December 10, 2010

Single parenthood

I don't want to forget the details of this day. It's not really blog worthy, but I know it'll be safe here.

Dwayne is out of town this weekend doing his annual continuing education.

Day 1:
-Take Meryt to preschool. All is well. Good morning.
-Pick Meryt up and go to Wal-Mart (what in the world was I thinking???) where we get craft stuff for the weekend and she's allowed to pick out a present for Luke. He fusses (not screams, thank goodness) the entire time, even though he should have been sound asleep and finally falls asleep on the way home.
-I grab a handful of bags and asked Meryt to grab her lunch and close the van doors. She doesn't come in for a few minutes so I go check on her. She's SCREAMING bloody murder because her fingers are crushed in the door of the van. Oh, yeah...mother of the year award for me. I feel TERRIBLE. Terrible isn't even close to how bad I feel.
-We all have a quiet afternoon. Luke and I nap on the couch while M has quiet time in her room.
-We paint wrapping paper for over an hour after rest time. Gretel, the cat, spills an entire cup of water on our paper. I try not to cuss. We start over again.
-We eat dinner in the car as we do a drive through nativity at a local church. Then Meryt says, "Uh-oh, Mama...I don't have any milk left. I think it all spilled." Yep...her entire thermos of milk spilled between the two car seats. Dwayne is just going to have to deal with that when he gets back. I'm not strong enough to release the latch on the car seats to take them out so I clean the upholstry.

Clearly I'm not cut out for single parenthood.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It is well...

I am so very thankful that when I can't go any more, when I'm at the end of myself, there is something bigger than me, something I can rely on to carry me, something called GOD.

We are in a good place.

Luke is doing better. He isn't screaming as much. He is sleeping a little more during the dark hours. He is nursing great and taking a bottle when needed. Every now and then he lets us peek at the cutest little smile ever. I know it's probably just gas, but I don't care--it's reward enough for now.

Meryt is such an incredible big sister. God is giving me the strength to parent her as needed right now. She's definitely acting out a little bit for attention. She's suddenly unable to find something when asked (like socks, shoes, bibs, etc.) or fully dress herself. As long as I realize she just needs a few extra snuggles or a little affirmation, she settles down again. She is so sweet to Luke and never, ever acts unkindly to him. I'm so thankful she loves him so much. If anything, I have to remind her to give him a little space.

God gives me all these little moments of encouragement so I can continue to get up in the middle of the night, when I just need a little more sleep. So I can be a little more patient when I want to snap. So I can love a little more and a little harder when I think about those whose arms are empty, when I remember how much this is exactly what I wanted.

Pictures soon. I've got a few sweet ones.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

At the end of myself

There are times when I want this {blog} to be only a happy place. But the reality of this world is that it is not a happy place.

I am at the end of myself. I'm relying on strength that I, honestly, do not possess. I don't know where the strength is to put one foot in front of the other, to be patient with the baby that never stops screaming and the 5 year old who talks all the time, to wake up to nurse after only 45 minutes of sleep. I don't know how to do it any more.

And then I remember: He is our miracle baby.

And I see this face: And I help the sweet 5 year old chase down the mail lady to send off her very-first-ever hand-made (all by herself) card.

And then I got the best reward of all: the tightest hug and whispered words "Thank you for helping me, Mama. I love you."

And I realized that the strength never comes from me. It comes from God. It comes from Him through my children. He will continue give me the strength to be (a little bit) patient, to nurse when I just need some sleep, to show grace and compassion when I don't have any more grace and compassion. It's never within me.

These are my miracles. I can do it...even though I'm at the end of myself.