Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Having difficulty simplifying

When you were little, did you spin around and around until the world continued to spin even when you stood still?

That's me right now. I'm standing still watching the kaleidoscope of my life spin around me: motherhood, wife-hood, school, friendships, hobbies, responsibilities. I'm having trouble finding joy in any of it because there is SO MUCH OF IT. There is not one moment to sit and cook with M. There is disciplining to do, teach-able moments, hush-and-let-me-finish-this moments. Paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork to do at school. Then there is the school program and sewing for it. And then there is...on and on.

H and I need to sit down together and prune away some of the excess. We need to find time to be together as a family without outside pressures. We need to find a way to connect again.

I'm always surprised when I find myself in this situation, where my life is overrun by, well, by life. When the down time arrives at 11:00 at night and not one moment before. When my feet hit the feet running before 7:00 a.m. and the day stretches before me, screaming for every minute. I'm always surprised when I look at the calender and realize that EVERY SINGLE EVENING HAS BEEN BOOKED for more than 3 weeks.

And I wonder why M misbehaves??? She wants her mama!

The kaleidoscope is most definitely beautiful. The colors and textures are most pleasing to the eye. But it's time to slow down. Time to be still. Time to focus on only one thing at a time. Time to decide what is important and give that some attention.

Until then, I might be a bit spotty around here. I've got some important matters to attend to. In fact, she's calling my name right now.


Andi said...

Please, please, my friend, do take care of yourself first!!! Make time for the family...say NO to more than before. Soon, sooner than you'd like to imagine, M will be the daughter's age, and you will spend your days like me wondering where all of the years went! The daughter said something to me when she was little that I will NEVER EVER forget, and it makes my heart hurt for all of the times I chose the business of life over her- she had a special program for mothers at her elementary school, and she came to me that evening and this is EXACTLY what she said, "I have to show you this (holding out the announcement for the special program) my teacher said it was my homework to ask you to come, but I know you can't so never mind..." She threw the paper at me, and ran out of the room, and I burst into tears. She was SO RIGHT. I did not go. I NEVER went...I was BUSY...with school, with life, with everything that takes up all of our time, but I did not know until that one single moment how it made HER feel. PLEASE shave away somethings....carve some moments out for you and just for your little one...and for your family...you will feel better, M and H will feel better...and you will start to feel happy about doing things again.
You are the most wonderful person with such a giving, servant's heart...you think first of others so often before yourself...but you are paying for it. I so admire your desire to simplify- that is something we ALL should do, but I hope and pray that are REALLY are able to make it happen. My love and prayers are with you, friend!

Arizaphale said...

Ouch. I feel this pain. Sometimes I just have to go 'blow it all' the BA comes first. I never get to her Sports Days though. :-(