Raw

I'm sitting here looking at this white expanse, trying to figure out exactly how to fill it. This morning, I composed a perfect post as I was driving around town, but the words are lost to me now. It seems that happens a lot to me these days: losing things.

I don't know why I'm in this strange place. I've wondered if I'm depressed. Perhaps I am, if being depressed means living in only one moment at time, savoring that moment. Or noticing how gorgeous the sky is when it's a brilliant blue and the clouds seem to glow. Or laughing until I cry at the humorous things M says.

I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed.

I feel like I'm hunkering down for something big. Taking stock of life. Enjoying all the little things: the tiny tomatoes we're picking from our tomato plant, sassy new shoes, cool pool water, non-sense knock-knock jokes. Enjoying these things tremendously, not just superficially. Really living in the moment.

Just the same, I'm feeling burdened. Troubled. A tad emotional about things that don't normally cause emotions to arise in me. I find myself with tears in my eyes at the Tinkerbell movie and at news that a fellow blogger's son is very, very ill. Actuallly, that would have always made me cry, but I sobbed--a reaction stronger than normal.

Perhaps that's what's amazing to me right now: all of my emotions are heightened. My highs are much higher. Joy is more joyful. My lows are much lower. Sad is much sadder. All of this just makes me feel a tad raw, as if sandpaper is every present around my tender heart. My emotional storehouse feels like it's constantly on the spin cycle.

I'm not quite sure what to do with this emotional side of me. I'm trying to just be present with it and aware of whatever it is I'm feeling.

There is upcoming surgery for me and then a plan for getting another baby in the Benson household. I'm all about the plan. That's one of my all-time favorite words. (Hello. My name is Natalie and I'm a plan-a-holic. I am my father's daughter.) I feel like there are some weighty risks involved, but on the other (larger) hand, I'm willing to do almost anything to get us another baby. Although I'm loving the plan and so thankful that my doctor, midwife, and I are all on the same plan, it's sort of scary because ultimately it's not up to the plan. The plan doesn't guarantee a miracle. Only He can provide a miracle.

So, I'm asking that you please continue to be patient with me. Please understand that I really, really do have the best intentions of offering a give-away. I even have all the materials for it (it's homemade and completely adorable!). I just seem to be so caught up in living RIGHT NOW that I can't seem to make time to get it done and posted. I'm spending time watching the vivid white clouds (have they ever been more beautiful?), laughing with M (has she always been so clever?), and loving my new sassy shoes (why, oh, why, have I never bought patent leather wedges before?). Then the day is gone and I still haven't given you what I've promised. One day it will just be a surprise. You'll see us on your google reader and you'll jump over and enter for the drawing.

And you'll know that it was a good day at the Benson household when I could look forward for more than ten minutes.