Wednesday, December 1, 2010

At the end of myself

There are times when I want this {blog} to be only a happy place. But the reality of this world is that it is not a happy place.

I am at the end of myself. I'm relying on strength that I, honestly, do not possess. I don't know where the strength is to put one foot in front of the other, to be patient with the baby that never stops screaming and the 5 year old who talks all the time, to wake up to nurse after only 45 minutes of sleep. I don't know how to do it any more.

And then I remember: He is our miracle baby.

And I see this face: And I help the sweet 5 year old chase down the mail lady to send off her very-first-ever hand-made (all by herself) card.

And then I got the best reward of all: the tightest hug and whispered words "Thank you for helping me, Mama. I love you."

And I realized that the strength never comes from me. It comes from God. It comes from Him through my children. He will continue give me the strength to be (a little bit) patient, to nurse when I just need some sleep, to show grace and compassion when I don't have any more grace and compassion. It's never within me.

These are my miracles. I can do it...even though I'm at the end of myself.


Maggie said...

Oh sweet Natalie... They are miracles indeed... Praying for rest for you to come soon... Hang in there!

Colleen said...

Oh Natalie... we've all been at the end of ourselves. Personally, this week has been doing me in. The ups and downs come. We all know... and there is no way you'll be faulted for not being all sunshine and rainbows here.

Kyla said...

I'm sorry things are rough right now! Does Luke have reflux or anything or is he just a high needs little guy?

Christina said...

Wow. This is a beautiful and powerful post, Natalie. Thank you for sharing and inspiring us. I'm sorry it's been so tough...but this is how the power of God is shown!

Maddy K. said...

Praying for you! You have the most beautiful children. Love you!!

Kristen said...

thank you for this. feeling at the end of myself today. just prayed for help...something, to get me through this day. reading this was my answer :)
and just read your fb status and glad to see things seem to be better for you today :)

Arizaphale said...

And I for one can guarantee that it is possible to nurse and sleep at the same time!!!! I used to fee the BA lying down in the middle of the night. Pop her into bed with me, latch her on and ZZZZZZZZZZZZ :-D
This time will pass so quickly.
Love and hugs.