Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Another Hurdle

At 12:30 today I got heard the diagnosis that I thought surely I would not hear.

"Left, yes."

Loooooong pause.

"Bilateral, yes."

How could I have been so wrong? The guilt is wrapping itself around my heart and squeezing until I almost cannot breathe. I'm the mother. I'm supposed to KNOW these things about my child.

I feel so melodramatic on top of guilty. The guilt is making things razor sharp. Every raindrop feels like a pin prick. Every light seems a thousand times too bright. Every noise vibrates painfully inside my skull.

Today, M had her VCUG. I can not tell you how many people I told I was having the test run to satisfy the doctors. "She does NOT have kidney reflux," I told a million people. "I would know. I mean, she was 2 1/2 before she had her first UTI."

My stomach is still lying on that radiology floor where I heard the news. I wanted to pick M up and run far away from there. I wanted to whisper in her ear how very, very sorry I am that I didn't think she had it. That I've put the test off for so long. That if only I'd had the test done sooner, she wouldn't have had her UTI in October. I'm so sorry, sweet girl. Mommy was so wrong.

My reaction is bigger than the actual problem. We are waiting to hear from the pediatrician, who will send us to a pediatric urologist. We happen to be going to the big city next Tuesday to see M's orthopedist, so I am hopeful we can see the urologist that morning. I don't know if it will happen, but I am hopeful.

The first treatment (and perhaps the only treatment) is antibiotics. They will keep the bacteria from growing as the urine is returned to the kidneys from the bladder. Kidney reflux is a condition that most little girls outgrow.

I am so glad I requested (maybe even demanded) sedation for this test. Even in a sedated state, M fought that catherization with every cell in her body. It took several tries to get it done so they could even begin the test. The radiology lady who was doing the test looked up and said, "I am so glad she's sedated. I can't imagine trying this if she was conscious!"

I'm going to quiet my guilt, send it back to the closet where Mommy Guilt lingers, waiting to rear its ugly head.

And then I'm going to get on the phone to make appointments for my sweet little girl.


Kyla said...

If I had a dollar for every time I wanted to kick my own butt for not recognizing something...well, I'd have a whole lot of dollars. Hindsight is 20/20 and it makes it hard not to want to punish yourself for not recognizing something sooner. The truth is, it doesn't matter. You know now and you're treating it and moving forward...that is what matters.

Colleen said...

Oh Natalie... I'm so sorry. That mommy guilt is a horrible thing. But, you gotta get past it. M will be fine. It sounds like it's not too difficult a fix... and then it will all be in the past.

Maggie said...

Oh Natalie. Try not to beat yourself up -- you got her tested, and now you know what is wrong and how to fix it. So now I will cross my fingers and hope that you can get your appointments lined up just right, so that you can start the new year with a healthy M!

Arizaphale said...

Amen to all that. And I hope the antibiotics work fast and effectively. God Bless Howard Florey. (he was Australian you know)

tammy franks said...

HI I have done 19 years of guilt I know it well. MY daughter is now 19 and is a wonderful girl but 18 years ago she got chicken pox and got one on her brain. (that isn't even my fault) but i still felt i could have stopped it ,ya know. BUT GOD takes care and it is never as bad as it seems, and people can say don't feel gulity and even your family can tell you stop beating yourself up,but it's hard not too.I am so glad M will be OK and trust that you are always doing the best you can for her. That's what does it for me!!!!