Thursday, November 18, 2010

Change of Plan

This post has been rambling around in my head for a few days and I'm still not sure my thoughts are polished enough to post, but I keep coming back to it, so I'm going to give it a try.

For those of you that know me or have read this blog for any length of time, you know {are glaringly aware} that I like a plan. I'm a planner. I want to know the plan. Let's make a plan. More importantly, let's STICK TO THE PLAN. I'm no good when Dwayne says, "Get in the car. Let's go." Let's go where? What are we doing? Why? Where? When???

I don't know why I'm this way. God just wired me to get caught up in the details and the need to know. Sometimes this serves me well and sometimes...well, sometimes it doesn't at all.

Right now I'm on the roller coaster called "Change of Plan." And it is the wildest roller coaster I've ever riden! Have you ever felt that way?

I had everything all planned out.

Birth plan. Check.

It went something like this: Luke's birth will be easier than Meryt's birth was. (Which was a breeze, by the way). I will go natural. The lights will be low. We'll whisper. It will be a beautiful, National Geographic moment in my life.

*cue audience laughter*

Enter Change of Plan.

Luke's birth was tremendously harder than Meryt's. It was longer. It was harder. His heart rate would plummet. My blood pressure wasn't stable at the beginning. There was an epidural. There was medication for my blood pressure. The lights were bright. It was most certainly not the beautiful, National Geographic moment I'd envisioned.

The Lord used that to teach me a lesson.

Nursing Plan. Check.

Nursing Luke will be a natural, easy thing. It's natural. It's the right thing to do. All mother's do it. I can do it, too. Hellllloooo...National Geographic!!

*cue audience laughter*

Enter Change of Plan.

Not so much. Nursing is HARD WORK. I feel terrible for Dwayne. With Meryt, he gots lots of snuggles because she was on a bottle and he could feed her. She also didn't need ME Little Luke, on the other hand, never leaves my arms. Whenever poor Dwayne tries to hold him, he screams and cries because, honestly, he just wants me and he just wants to nurse...all...the...time. ALL.THE.TIME.

The Lord used that to teach me a lesson.

Schedule. Check.

We'll work on our schedule as soon as we get home. I'll feed Luke every third hour, he'll sleep and rest in between and I'll nap when I can.

*cue hysterial laughter from the audience*

Sad, huh? I'm not even a first time mom. But that's how easy it was with Meryt! She was so schedule oriented that it literally required no work from me at all. She scheduled herself and rarely got off the schedule. She was the easiest baby ever. Luke is by no means difficult. Not at all. But he most certainly does not understand or care one bit about my schedule. He cries when he wants to eat, regardless of the last time he ate. He sleeps when he wants to sleep and only cuddled in my arms or in the swing. Some nights, we're up for hours. Other nights, he sleeps awesome for 2 hours and nurses for an hour. I never can predict how he's going to do.

The Lord is teaching me a lesson here.

I can't help but continue to go back to Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. (it goes on) See, I'm not really in charge. Despite all the time and energy I spend "planning," it's not up to me. I can't make Luke follow my schedule. He's hungry when he's hungry. He can't provide for himself. I get frustrated, sure. Makes me wonder how God feels when I refuse to follow his plan. I can't provide for myself. All my needs are supplied by the Lord. Why in the world do I spend so much energy planning and working out every single detail WHEN THE LORD ALREADY KNOWS THE PLANS HE HAS FOR ME? Why do I constantly struggle to take control from the One who is in absolute control and only wants good for me? These past 10 days have been a lesson on control and changing plans. I know I can't (won't) easily relinquish control. I haven't in the past. But I want to journey to a place where I can and will let the Lord make the decisions in my life without constantly trying to pull the strings out of his hands. Ultimately, it boils down to a trust issue for me. If I do it, I know it will be done the way I want. (ha) If I let go of the control and trust in the Lord, I don't have the security (false as it is) of knowing that things will work out the way I thought they would.

So, I'm on the roller coaster. God is in charge of the controls. I'll ride "Change of Plan" until I've learned my lesson that it's not about me. It's about Him. He who knows the plans he has for me.


Kyla said...

Rollercoasters can be fun if you just sit back and enjoy the ride!

My second kid rocked my world, too, but it was amazingly worthwhile.

Arizaphale said...

Well I don't know about 'polished thoughts' but I thought that was perfectly expressed and I am COMPLETELY with you on the whole thing.
"Why in the world do I spend so much energy planning and working out every single detail WHEN THE LORD ALREADY KNOWS THE PLANS HE HAS FOR ME? "
I will tell you why...because, like most teachers, you are a CONTROL FREAK!!!!! hahahahahahaha
We are completely ridiculous aren't we? Having the BAwas the start of me learning to 'let go' of control a bit. I say a bit because if anyone thougth I was saying I was 'over' the control freak stage of my life they would fall hysterically to the floor laughing. Still, from my wise old age I can assure you that it gets easier. It is harder with two kids but as a friend wisely said to me when the BA was tiny, sleep when she does and roll with it for the first few weeks. If Dwayne can keep the rest of the place together, just focus on getting by for now and enjoying the moment. It will all be history so quickly. I guess that's one thing 'age' teaches you, that 'this too shall pass'. The Change of Plan rollercoaster is a Looooooooong ride so settle down and get comfortable with it. After all, it ain't stoppin' for us!!!! :-D
Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Hope that boy gets himself settled soon. Guess he just loves his mama.

Allyson said...

You are so funny! I also don't like when there is a change of plan and am trying to be more of a 'go with the flow''s not easy!!! Hope you are getting more rest...breastfeeding is exhausting!

Sarah said...

Thank you so much for writing this post! I am just like you--I've been a type A person my whole life. I like things "just so," and I ALWAYS have a plan or a list to follow. Boy oh boy am I learning that babies to not follow your plan! I am a first-time mama to my baby girl who just turned two months old this week, and I think you & I are on the same roller coaster ride right now! But thank you so much for posting this and letting me know that I am not alone!

On another note, CONGRATS! You have such a precious little family. I stumbled across your blog a few months ago and have enjoyed stopping by from time to time.

Donna said...

Natalie, I loved reading this entry! Aaron had an easy delivery, no drugs, but was the demanding baby. He gave true meaning to the phrase "nurse on demand". He's still demanding almost 10 years later! Christopher's was the hard delivery with epidural and all....I was so disappointed in myself! But he has been the sweetest boy.

Told Dwayne last night @ Dee Are Dot's party that I can't wait for you to have Christoppher in class next year!!!! Will enjoy sharing with you more!

Take care of yourself and that precious boy....Donna K.