Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Closing Doors

Have you ever closed a door in your life only to have the wind whip it open in the least expected time?

I'm standing in that doorway right now. I'm looking through a door that was closed and locked. Only yesterday, someone used the key that had been thrown away to allow the past to flood back in.

I'm trembling. My insides are all quivery. My adrenaline hasn't slowed down, my heart races, my eyes burn from crying. And crying. And crying some more.

Intellectually, I KNOW this isn't a big deal. Emotionally, I'm a basketcase.

I thought the door was closed forever and that this was all part of M's past.

It seems her past is now her present.

Today she was fitted for her new shoes.

Do you know how hard it is to be cheerful and excited when you want to pull your baby to your chest and scream about how unfair this is? How she endured so much, yet by God's perfect design, doesn't remember any of it? And now...NOW...she'll remember. She'll know. Yet, I have to be the cheerleader for the new shoes. And God never promised fair.

Her new shoes are not ugly. In fact, they remind me of those walking shoes I wore when I was a toddler. I remember my brothers wearing similar shoes. They have a brown sole and are made of white leather. They lace up. When M was a baby, I took the laces out and put in pretty ribbons. I think I'll do that again. I bet not many people will even notice that she shoes are different.

I just had to take a break because I was crying. I grabbed one of my books, curled up on the bed, and read this statement, "The Lord will never put you in a situation without giving you everything you need to do what he has called you to do."

For the second time in two days, a peace that surpasses understanding came over me.

I'm sad for M that she has to go through this. I'm thankful beyond measure that there is a way to correct this problem. I'm thankful that God is in control and I don't have to be. I'm thankful that I can carry this burden to the Cross and leave it.

I don't like that this door has been reopened, but I accept it. I know the Lord will use this for His glory. This is not outside of his plan for M's life. This isn't accidental. This was His plan for her from the beginning of time.

Perhaps He is teaching me not to close and deadbolt any doors?


Nona said...

I know you ache for M, but her personality is so charming that noone will notice shoes and if they do.... those shoes can deliver a pretty damaging kick!!! Just kidding, but I sure will put someone in their place if I hear unkind comments about her shoes!! I think ribbons are a superb idea!!

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry M has to have another surgery. Seeing our children suffer and have to endure hard things is so difficult on a mama's heart. I'm praying for you and for your sweet little girl!

Kyla said...

Sigh. That up and down round and round feeling, I get that. It is hard, especially when you think you've stepped off the ride already. I'm sorry, Natalie. But I have no doubts you'll get M through this.

Stacy said...

Natalie, I'm so sorry to hear that M has to have another surgery. There is no rhyme or just is. No one will notice her shoes except you...they will notice how absolutely adorable she is. :) I will pray for your little one.

Christina said...

Such a roller coaster of emotion. No one will notice those shoes, they'll just see HER! And if they do notice the what?! You are doing what's best for your baby! I bet M herself will think those shoes make her special - and she's right! Hugs!

Tami said...

I am praying for you all. I'm so glad the Lord has allowed our paths to cross. You are a sweet friend and we love your family! After M gets her new stylin shoes we'll have to have an extra fun playdate to show them off:o)

Arizaphale said...

"Perhaps He is teaching me not to close and deadbolt any doors?"

You can be darn sure he's teaching you something!

Did I mention Persian carpets before? Most of us have a little 'deliberate' flaw. The BA has the most awful hereditary bunions at her tender age and she will have to wear inserts in her shoes for ever. In the grand scheme of things it's a pretty minor blip. Your resilient little character will be just fine as will you.

MelanieB said...

I don't know either of you, except from your blog. I can tell you that we as parents take these things to heart so much harder than our kids. My son has webbed fingers on his left hand, and the left hand is smaller than his right. He has taken it in stride, occasionally gets a comment from a classmate which he handles well and hasn't come home crying. Surgery is an option, but it might take several surgeries, and since he has asthma, it has been delayed until he is older. We planned to do it this summer, but his asthma doc said that the hand really looks pretty good and acted as though it wasn't as big a deal as I thought it was. When I asked my son if he still wanted to have to surgery this summer, he told me no. Whether it was more fear than realizing that it wasn't a big deal, only he knows. Moral of the story: she probably takes it in stride more than you do. So, even though it's hard, try your best to not let it worry you. And you are right, God doesn't ask you to handle something more than you can bear. He asks you to rise to the challenge. I try to remember that myself, not always with immediate success. You are not alone.

MelanieB said...

Oh, yeah, one more thing. I don't know if this will help you with helping her to accept it. I saw a show years ago about this pediatric neurosurgeon who is well-known worldwide. She has to have special OR stepstools and tools in her surgical suite, but she is one of the best in her field. And she is a little person (I'm not sure what the correct terminology is). She is good at what she does perhaps as a byproduct of her life challenges. I told my son that maybe he will be a famous architect that can only design and draw so well because he can hold the paper and pencil a certain way with his special hand. Or maybe he will be a brilliant surgeon because he can get to a body part like no one else because of his special hand. I don't know why he was born that way. I'll just have to wait to find out. There is always a reason.