The relief in heaviness

Who knew that relief from stress would bring it's own heaviness with it?

I realized after my frantic post earlier this week that there is a reason I'm cramming entirely too much STUFF into my life. There are things I don't want to deal with. If I'm so busy, so stressed out, so full of extra stuff, then (consummate avoider that I am), I don't have to deal with any baggage.

Particularly the baggage of wanting another baby.

Last night at Bible Study, I had the absolute honor, delight, privilege, thrill of holding a chunky, sturdy, fill-your-arms 14 week old and rock him to sleep. Right in the Starbucks. That little camo-clad guy just snuggled right in and took the quiet road to the land of nod. Nothing, other than holding M, has EVER felt so good.

My arms ache today with the yearning to do that. To hold my very own baby and sway him (or her) off to sleep. To have my own child snuggle in and drift off.

I know if I continue to have so much stress in my life then there is no way I'll be able to get pregnant. I know that stress doesn't prevent pregnancy, but when I cram every waking minute full of my to-do list, I think the chances grow slim.

My goal is in September to quietly whisper to myself, "Be still and know He is God, Be STILL.... BE STILL... BE EVEN MORE STILL... Natalie, you are not being still enough" until the unthinkable happens. I become still. I live in the moment. I enjoy the now, not the "when I get this done."

I stopped by my favorite yarn store today. I treated myself to two luxorius skeins of yarn. One to knit a little scarf for M and one for myself. For what? I don't know. I saw a basket of delicious pink yarn with a sign that said Project Pink. When I read the sign, I signed up right away. Yes, one more committment, but one that will make me slow down. The yarn store is giving volunteers a skein of the most delicious pink yarn if they commit to knitting a 48 in scarf and donating it to the store. Mrs. Knit, the owner, wants to wrap our city in pink in October in honor of breast cancer awareness. How could I resist? I love to buy yarn, but am really not talented enough to do anything except scarves. Really, how many scarves can one person have? (Um...don't answer that.) This project is right up my ally. On top of that, I can sit quietly and knit away. I can think and knit. I can pray and knit. I can listen to my music and knit. This is good. This is exactly what I need. I can be still and knit. Perhaps my arms won't ache so much.