Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Hibernating in my busy-ness

Seems strange to say hibernating in my busy-ness, but that's what I seem to be doing. Wrapping it around myself like a cozy, comfortable blanket. So much has been going on. I'm aware of how much just by listening to the Presidential Debate going on behind me. I'm so out of touch that I'm truly not even worried about the economy right now. I'm too busy to be worried about money I don't have-and most definitely will not have if this economic crisis continues!

Along with this cozy busy-ness wrapped around myself, a heavier blanket of sadness is wrapping itself around me, suffocating me, almost. When I arrived at school Monday morning, I learned the devastating news that one of my former students died. I can not begin to describe how my heart breaks for her mother and her younger sisters. I'm reminded over and over again that this life is NOT OUR OWN. Every day that we are granted is a blessing from above.

It pains me to say God is in control. God ordained this. God decided the precise moment this precious child would take her last breath. Just as God knew how long each baby would live in my womb. I don't want to acknowledge that God designed those things for His own glory. I want to fling every imaginable items on this table at the walls and scream about injustice; about pain; about LOSING SOMETHING YOU LOVE; about SUFFERING; about yearning for something you can never have again. I can not, for one single second, tell you how much it hurts me to admit that my God, my Heavenly Father, the God of LOVE, knows how much we hurt and yet allows us to do so. In our darkest hour of pain and suffering only He can sustain us. I know this moment is not about me. I know that my pain and heartache is not the nucleus of all of pain and suffering in this world. But from my own hurt, I understand the heartache of a mother who just lost her oldest daughter. It is because my own mommy heart has cried out in the agonized cry of loss that I carry the tiniest burden of this other mother. From the core of my own sadness, I cry for this mother who has loved her daughter for just 3 weeks shy of 15 years.

It might be a few more weeks until I can shed these blankets in which I am cocooned. I'm living in a place of lists right now. Ordered tasks that must be completed before moving on. Simplify is not happening at the Benson house right now. What is the opposite? Busy-fy? Over commit? Fill-every-moment with must-be-dones? Tonight, for 2 hours, I put everything aside and made castles with blocks on the floor with M, threw the ball with the dog and laughed until I cried at the funny things M did and said. That is the only thing that makes the busy-ness and sadness bearable.

Oh, and when you're having one of those hectic, too busy to really live moments (or months), feel free to make up your own words, too. It lightens the load a bit!


Kyla said...

Ah yes, avoidance, my old friend. ;)

Hang in there Natalie!

Christina said...

Aww honey! Hugs. You will make it through this!

Maggie said...

Thinking of you...hang in there...

Arizaphale said...

Late here through my own cocoon of busy-ness. I too have experienced the loss of one of my former students. Even more sharp when they are a Special Needs pupil whom you worked with 1:1 for 2 years. All our team were stunned by his loss. He was hit by a car crossing a busy road at the age of 17/8. The only thing I can add to your very sad post, is that maybe it is only through suffering that we truly appreciate joy....?