Thoughts on Week 30

Thank you, Lord, for 30 precious weeks with our boy.

I can't believe that 30 weeks ago (well, 28 to be specific), we weren't pregnant, although my body was preparing to carry our son. I live in awe that the Lord is blessing our family with another baby. I honestly had given up on the dream. I was at the end of my rope. I couldn't do it any more. The emotional cycle of hopefullness, attempt, hopelessness had left me empty and I was running on nothing.

And that's when He worked a miracle for us and in us. That's when He had me where He wanted me... utterly and completely dependent on Him.

In ten short weeks...somewhere around 70 days, we will see our miracle face to face. I will hold him in my arms. Can you imagine? Can you imagine the joy of actually SEEING a miracle? I don't know what that will look like. I don't know what it will feel like, but I feel a change in me already. A preperation. When M was born, I didn't know loss and desperation. I knew only anticipation and excitement. This time, there is a vast array of different emotions. Will I be able to let him go, even for a second? Will I be able to share him...the baby that was so prayed for, cried over, WANTED? Will I cry? Will I see the face of my God? Will I see His image in my arms?

I don't know what work the Lord will do in our lives, but I know His plan is perfect. His time is not (was not) my time, but He worked a miracle to bring Him glory in a time and way that only He could. And we get to live it. Perhaps that is the lesson in this...we are actually living the plan perfectly designed for our family. By taking the control away from me (the consumate control freak!), God taught me brought me to my knees and taught me to trust Him in ways deeper than I ever have before.