I'm writing this for myself. Read it if you want to know the details. This is my therapy. If you don't want to read, go away. (How was that for emotional nastiness?)
I spotted Wednesday morning--as in a tiny bit of pink on the tissue. I thought nothing of it, but mentioned it to H.
I spotted Thursday evening. Same exact situation.
I spotted Friday morning. Maybe some cramping, maybe not. Wasn't sure. I tried to lie to H, but he could see right through me. "Call the doctor," he said. "Sure," I responded. I didn't call. I took pictures of every single second graders in front of the pumpkin display at school. Since I had someone in my room, I decided to use the restroom real quick. Blood in my panties. Red blood on the tissue. I got the shakes. I went immediately to the phone to call the doctor.
"Can you come now? Are you at school?" The nurse asked. I didn't even think of the 18 students in my room. "Yes...I'm coming now."
"Honey, I need you to meet me at the doctor's office." He said he'd see me there. No questions were asked.
Someone from school drove me to the doctor. H was there within minutes.
We had an ultrasound.
"We want to confirm the due date is April 16
th," H said.
"I just want to know there is a heartbeat." I said.
Silence. More clicking.
"There is no heartbeat," the technician said as she held my hand. The air left the room.
H and I just held hands. We didn't know what to say.
The doctor came in, explained a few things (I was 10 weeks, but sweet
Butterbean was measuring only 8 weeks). He was extremely compassionate. We decided to wait until Monday to do the D&C because he wasn't the doctor on call this weekend and I'd had breakfast, so the surgery was going to have to be late, late in the afternoon or in the evening.
I went for all my
pre-op. Sitting at the reception desk was the mother of one of my former students. I fell apart. She just said, "no, no, no." We'd just spoken to each other that morning about how we both hoped this one was a boy. H had to make a phone call, the mother came over and hugged me.
My
pre-op nurse and I talked about our favorite hymns while she did her thing.
I used the restroom. More blood.
Back to the doctor's office.
Rearrange everything.
D&C scheduled immediately.
Back to the surgery center.
Pre-op nurse sees me waiting again. Says she's been praying for us because she didn't want us to have to wait the whole weekend.
New nurse listening to a gospel radio station. We talk about what church we go to. She's patient and kind and so very helpful.
One doctor comes and talks with us. She'll give me something for my headache, pain, and any
nausea that might occur.
My doctor comes in and walks beside me as I head to the OR.
He helps me on the table and introduces everyone in the room to me.
I go to sleep and wake up less than an hour later, everything is done.
Two days later, I'm exhausted, sometimes tearful. Doing better with each day, but still unwilling to face anyone. I just want to be home with M and H until we can absorb this change in our lives.
I'm standing by the back door, looking at the very back of the yard. Okay, this picture MIGHT not look like much, but get some vision people. Before H did the new fence and built the deck I'm standing on, we had a serious white-trash back yard. This is most definitely NOT the finished yard. We're going to plant winter grass and then sod the yard in the spring. There are bags of mulch in the flower beds. H is going to put in some lighting, then we'll do the mulch. This is going to be a dream yard. In the spring, I'm going to get planters that hook over the fence and plant flowers in them. I've also got some neat plans for fence decorations that will help the yard. 
I'm standing at the back door looking to the right. The tree on the left hand side of the picture is the same tree that is in the previous picture on the right hand side. Again, we're planting winter grass and will sod in the spring. There is a fountain on the left side of the picture that works, which will be running by the end of the week. Behind that fence is a very busy main road in our community. The lelands (sp?) help provide a natural barrier. 
Here are H and M on the deck. The grill is on the deck (M is asking her daddy to "cook, please."). We missed the last of the patio furniture, so I'm going to try to hunt for something that we like. If not, we'll get a few plastic chairs (YIKES!) so we can enjoy the deck for now and we'll buy something we really like in the spring. I can't wait to have my morning tea or a glass of wine outside. I have several beautiful planters for the deck that will really add some nice color and a place for M to learn a little science. She helped me plant mums tonight. She's such a good little helper.
