Sunday, September 23, 2007

The whole ugly story

I'm writing this for myself. Read it if you want to know the details. This is my therapy. If you don't want to read, go away. (How was that for emotional nastiness?)

I spotted Wednesday morning--as in a tiny bit of pink on the tissue. I thought nothing of it, but mentioned it to H.
I spotted Thursday evening. Same exact situation.
I spotted Friday morning. Maybe some cramping, maybe not. Wasn't sure. I tried to lie to H, but he could see right through me. "Call the doctor," he said. "Sure," I responded. I didn't call. I took pictures of every single second graders in front of the pumpkin display at school. Since I had someone in my room, I decided to use the restroom real quick. Blood in my panties. Red blood on the tissue. I got the shakes. I went immediately to the phone to call the doctor.
"Can you come now? Are you at school?" The nurse asked. I didn't even think of the 18 students in my room. "Yes...I'm coming now."
"Honey, I need you to meet me at the doctor's office." He said he'd see me there. No questions were asked.
Someone from school drove me to the doctor. H was there within minutes.
We had an ultrasound.
"We want to confirm the due date is April 16th," H said.
"I just want to know there is a heartbeat." I said.
Silence. More clicking.
"There is no heartbeat," the technician said as she held my hand. The air left the room.
H and I just held hands. We didn't know what to say.
The doctor came in, explained a few things (I was 10 weeks, but sweet Butterbean was measuring only 8 weeks). He was extremely compassionate. We decided to wait until Monday to do the D&C because he wasn't the doctor on call this weekend and I'd had breakfast, so the surgery was going to have to be late, late in the afternoon or in the evening.
I went for all my pre-op. Sitting at the reception desk was the mother of one of my former students. I fell apart. She just said, "no, no, no." We'd just spoken to each other that morning about how we both hoped this one was a boy. H had to make a phone call, the mother came over and hugged me.
My pre-op nurse and I talked about our favorite hymns while she did her thing.
I used the restroom. More blood.
Back to the doctor's office.
Rearrange everything.
D&C scheduled immediately.
Back to the surgery center. Pre-op nurse sees me waiting again. Says she's been praying for us because she didn't want us to have to wait the whole weekend.
New nurse listening to a gospel radio station. We talk about what church we go to. She's patient and kind and so very helpful.
One doctor comes and talks with us. She'll give me something for my headache, pain, and any nausea that might occur.
My doctor comes in and walks beside me as I head to the OR.
He helps me on the table and introduces everyone in the room to me.
I go to sleep and wake up less than an hour later, everything is done.

Two days later, I'm exhausted, sometimes tearful. Doing better with each day, but still unwilling to face anyone. I just want to be home with M and H until we can absorb this change in our lives.


Christina said...

I don't know if you want responses or not so I'll keep this short. My heart aches for you. Know that I am thinking of and praying for you, H, M and Baby Butterbean. Hugs!

Stephanie Smith said...

My heart is hurting for you. I won't go into details, but I have experienced horror and grief to this degree too. I hope this comes out right: Take it slow, don't apologize for being honest (like you said, if they don't want to read...go away), don't let anyone tell you to "cheer up"...that's a sucky thing for them to say, take time for you. I don't know you, but am sending hugs through this crazy cyberspace.
BTW, I found you on "Best Shot Monday"

Anna said...

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.
My heart aches for you.

Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

kim said...

Thinking or and praying for your family during this difficult time

Stacy said...

(((((Oh, Natalie)))) Know that I am thinking and praying for you and your family. Your posts have brought tears to my eyes. Such an awful thing to go through. :`(

Kyla said...

Oh Natalie, hon. There are love and prayers and the tightest of internet hugs coming your way. I wish there was something more I could do or say.

melody is slurping life said...

Love you, Natalie. I am so, so sorry {{{{HUGS}}}}

Mandy said...

I came over for your BSM, and saw this, and although I don't know you, my heart goes out to you. Sorry you went through this, and I hope the pain lessens over time.

Melissa said...

I came over for your BSM and saw this post. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts with the world. My husband and I will be praying for you and your family.


Anonymous said...

My love. My prayers. My hugs. My tears. My laughter. My friendship. It all waits for you...whenever you are ready.

Arizaphale said...

Oh Natalie....
As I read your post it was 13 years ago and I was going through it all again. It is the adjustment which is the hardest thing. And I was angry with my body!
Love and hugs as you grieve.....