Sunday, October 14, 2007

Mocking me...

Just a quick post to get something off my mind. Pictures and fun stories later this week.

Last Friday night (9 days ago), I read a blog post by a friend of a friend who miscarried one week before me. She was so open and so honest about where she was emotionally and physically and how she was healing and dealing with her loss. She said EVERYTHING I wasn't allowing myself time to deal with or time to think about. The busier I am, the less time I have to think. That's always my motto when dealing with stress or emotional situations that I can't deal with. I get REALY busy and sleep alot. It's always worked before.

It's not working this time. As I read the post of this friend of a friend, it was like hearing my own words and questions echo in my head. And I fell down--emotionally, mentally, physically. I was FORCED to think all the thoughts I was trying not to think. I can't quite get all the way up again. I'm wearing the smiling face. I'm laughing at the jokes. I'm holding my sweet M close. But I'm still crying inside.

We went to the zoo Saturday for M's 2nd birthday. How is it possible that every single woman there was pregnant EXCEPT me? Why did every woman have that sweet little baby swell in her midsection EXCEPT me?

I could hear those bellies mocking me. And the sound is echoing in my ears. Over. and. over. and. over.

Na-na-na-na-boo-boo.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nat,
You may rather not have comments to this post, but I just have to remind you of something important: give yourself TIME to grieve...as much time as you want or need. This will not go away with business and sleep. Let it out. Scream, cry, wallow in your bed, fall on your hands and knees crying out to God, whatever you feel like...take as much time to comfort yourself as you need. Everyone responds differently to traumatic loss, and you need to quit trying to be so together. It REALLY is ok to fall apart. Give yourself permission. I am here for you whenever you need it....ANY TIME of the day or night. I hope you know that. I love you.
Andi

Anonymous said...

Me again...

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me,
freeing me from all my fears….
I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and he heard me.
He set me free from all my fears."
-Psalms 34:4,6

I saw this on the blog of one of your inspirations- Heather- and I wanted you to read it....pain, suffering, death, loss, fear- it is NOT too big for Him. He WILL set you FREE. Let Him have it ALL.
Andi

Kyla said...

Oh Natalie. I'm holding you close in prayer.

It is okay to mourn. It is more than okay, actually, it is important for you. We're here, friend.

Bunny said...

I can only imagine what it feels like to go through this. I am so sorry you felt that way at the zoo. It sounds terrible. I'm so sorry.

Stacy said...

((((hugs)))) Natalie. Give yourself time and allow yourself your emotions. Don't bottle them up! A few of my friends that have MC have told me the same thing about noticing every other woman is pregnant, too. My heart mourns for you loss...hugs and prayers.

Christina said...

Oh honey! I ache for you, so so much! As the others have told you, give yourself time and space to grieve however you need to do it. There's not one right way to get through this. It's not something you can come to terms with in the space of a couple weeks, and then put it all in a box and tie it up with a pretty bow and be done with it. The thoughts and feelings will come in waves, and at times you least expect it. I'm finding that true for myself as well, as I deal with the recent loss in my own life. Hugs...and prayers...and now I'm always there for you if you ever want to talk!

Anonymous said...

Hello My Precious Daughter,

I wish that I could make your sadness go away. Twenty seven, almost twenty eight years ago, and those moments of overwhelming loss still attack at unsuspecting times. Nothing is harder than the roller coaster of emotions... the aching sadness, the rage, the guilt, the jealousy... and it is all okay. I think all of those speak volumes of a mother's love. I love you!

Rachel said...

Natalie - i'm sorry you are having a hard time. I know what you mean about EVERYONE being pregnant or having babies. It seems a little mean and unfair doesn't it? We are extra sensitive to it right now...I hope it will get better. It has been one month now and in some ways it doesn't even seem real anymore...like, did that really just happen? Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day...so I am praying for you that the Lord will sustain you (and I) as we continue grieve.

Cari said...

I'm so sorry, Natalie. My heart aches for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Wonderful Nat-
I love you and it is sooooo okay to let it out we do all react differently but you must mourn. Cry out to God and let his peace come over you.
love- APD

Arizaphale said...

I'm trusting that you're feeling much better now....I hate catching up on this sort of thing so far after the event.
I just wanted to share with you that about a month or so after I lost my baby, a friend came to practise reflexology on me. (that's the one where they massage your feet mmmmmm)
I had thought I was 'over it' at that point until my friend got to a certain point on my foot and said
"You're holding on to something, what is it?"
I was stumped, and stunned and she kept massaging the same place until I suddenly felt myself
shudder and breakdown and the words coming out of my mouth, in between the sobs, were
"I reeeally wanted that baby."
It was not until that moment that I had acknowledged that loss.
It comes upon us when we least expect it and you should go with it when it does. Let's face it. We were gypped.(Australian expression meaning cheated, short changed)
Love from across the miles mate.