Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Debate

I've debated even putting this post into words...giving it power over me, writing down the thoughts that surged in my head and my heart.


Yet, here I sit. The house is quiet. M is asleep. H is out. And I can't stop my fingers from typing the words. Typing doesn't give it power. It already has power.


One afternoon recently, to be truthful I'm not sure which afternoon, I was trying to grab a quick nap and this thought popped into my head, "Give up the dream. Let Me work in you."


Give up the dream? The dream I've had my entire life? The vision I've had to be a mother of three? Give it up? Are you kidding me? All this medicine? All the testing? All the trying? GIVE IT UP?


And I felt peace. Because I did. I gave it up. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being exhausted. I'm tired of the emotional toll this road is taking on me. This is the last month I can take the medicine. We'll have to go see a fertility specialist if it doesn't happen this month. I'm okay with that now. I've been more relaxed this month than before. I still took the medicine. I still tested. I still tried. But I'm not worried.


Because He's working in me.


This isn't about me. It's never been about ME. This is His story. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've had to remind myself of that. I'm merely a character in the story that brings Him glory. Whatever path He places before me, my role is to praise His Holy name. It isn't easy. The struggle, battle, war, in me to make this about me is overwhelming at times...perhaps all the time. The whispering thought, "Let Me work in you"" brought me back to the place where He wants me. Perhaps He will work in me in the way that I truly desire: by knitting a baby in my womb. Or perhaps He won't.


I'm okay with that.


Really. I am.


Every time I see this face

I'm reminded how much He has already blessed me. That only He can work miracles. That He has the power to work in me. That He is working in me.

I'm so thankful.

7 comments:

Rachel said...

I love being able to read and share in the story God is writing for you. Prayers as you continue to surrender your dreams at the foot of the Cross.

Christina said...

That is awesome, Natalie. And something I think I needed to read...my situation is totally different than yours, but I've suddenly found myself longing for a baby even tho everything in my life right now says no. Thanks for the reminder that HE is in control, no matter what. And the prayers continue!

Kyla said...

That is great, Natalie. Of course, I'm hoping that His plans and your converge...but it is good to let Him take the lead.

Colleen said...

Such a beautiful post Natalie.

Andi said...

I have no words, my friend.
I love you.
That's all I can say.

Your heart is so honest...so pure.
This journey that you are on...the story of your life...what a testimony to Him, the One that we serve. He will continue to bless you for listening to His whisper.
I miss you. Call me some time when you are not busy.

Maggie said...

Beautiful, beautiful post.

My heart aches for you, because I know that this is so very hard. But I am so glad that you have found peace. Prayers for you, for whatever your outcome may be.

melody said...

[hugs] I'm happy to read the words God has placed in your heart. It is difficult to let go and let God. Many years ago I was in your exact situation having given birth to one son and wanting so many more.

God gave me more, but he did it His way.

Praying you will find peace and happiness in His way [whatever that may be].