Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Down and up

A sweet question.

"Natalie, how are you doing?"

A gentle hand on my arm.

The facade began to crumble.

I didn't even realize I had a facade. I THOUGHT I was doing okay.

And I am. But there is sadness. Much sadness. The more distance between those dreadful words and the moment, the more sadness there is. As usual, I didn't deal with the emotions at the time. I buried them deep inside of me. The problem with that is emotions won't stay buried. They fester and expand and become giants whispering in your ears.

If I hear one more person say, "It's God's way of taking care of _________ (fill in the blank)," I am going to tear off one of their limbs. Yes, I'm very well aware of God's sovereignty. I KNOW God is in control. But I want a baby.

"You're still young. You can try again." NO KIDDING. But I already tried. TWICE. Hearing the words that you either don't have a baby or that your baby is no longer TWICE is more than any ONE person should ever have to hear. And I know exactly how old I am. I'm thirty. But truly, right now, I feel eons beyond that. AND I WANT A BABY.

"It's not our time, but God's time." or "It just wasn't God's will." Thank you very much. Salt in the wound. I'm also perfectly aware that my life is not my own and that God works out his miracles on his time. But, come on, people. Do you really think that brings comfort to anyone?? Just because God's time and mine did not coincide does NOT make this any easier. Just because God's will and mine are different DOES NOT MEAN THAT I DON'T MISS MY BABIES.

I want, just for a moment, to wallow in the pain and loss of another baby. I want someone to throw down with me, beating their hands in the dirt, sobbing and begging for another baby. I want someone to UNDERSTAND that pain and not say some stupid phrase that they think will bring comfort.

A sweet question, a gentle touch will do the trick if no one is interested in meeting me in the backyard for a serious round of pity-party crying and screaming.

Oh, and on a good note. I've lost 5.8 lbs on a new diet I've started. That brings a slight smile to my face.


Maggie said...

Oh Natalie.

First, yay for your weight loss. You rule - and look at your great work!

And second, I am so very, very sorry that you have had to endure such trials the last few months. I can only guess as to hard and painful it is, and my heart goes out to you. While it doesn't make anything different, I ache for you and hope that the pain becomes a little easier to endure with time. And we're all here waiting for you out in blog-land when you need us.

Andi said...

You name the day and time, and I will be in the back yard with you...ready to wallow, my friend.

Christina said...

My dear. It's okay to NOT be okay! I can't say I understand, and truly, no one can - you're the only one ever to experience the loss of THIS baby. I won't offer any cliched words of comfort that hurt more than heal...but I will offer to wordlessly shed tears for your pain and your loss. And then I'll hug you.

Kyla said...

OMG, those "comforting" statements. I hate them. So much. They are not meant to comfort the person in question, they are meant to make the person speaking them feel better. They are very unfeeling and condescending, I think. It irks me to no end. Please don't lecture me on the sovereignty of God, let me GRIEVE. Ack!

Arizaphale said...

I have a dear friend who after many long years of IVF eventually conceived, only to lose the baby after an amniocentesis. When I heard I rang her from the UK and the conversation went a little like this...
Me: H? It's me, A.
Her: Oh A, *sob* no-one's rung me.
Me: That's because they don't know what to say....
Her; (muffled sob)
Me: Oh H, you really wanted that baby didn't you?
Her and Me: completely unmuffled sobbing.....

But it's true. Many people don't know what to say. And maybe some of them shouldn't even try.

We share your pain, your disappointment and your grief and we if we stupidly make fatuous comments intended to comfort and instead infuriating ....we deeply apologise.

Now point me towards the dirt.

ZachB said...

Big Sister,

When you come down in a couple weeks we can go in the backyard and throw down. I don't feel your pain but I feel my own. I was excited and heartbroken just like you, H, and M.

I also still feel pain from my past that still stays on my mind from day to day. Not as extreme but it is still there. I treat my pain the same way you do. We both keep it inside and just let everything build up until there is no more room and we just break down.

If you ever need another person just like you to talk to call me.

I love you and can't wait to see you in a couple weeks!

Golightly said...


You've been in my heart, even a nation apart. I agree with you, your world stopped right now. Wallow all you need. I would be/have done the same thing. Good intentions aside, I hate those Christian clique statements. They aren't what I need in the midst of my pain. (Why is it that people think we suddenly forget God's Sovereignty when we are dealing with our person pain and loss? God doesn't expect us to be Job, why should anyone else?) I need to throw things across the room, pound the walls, scream out loud. I need to take time to wade through the loss. But that's me. Yet, it's hard to let it go when we have a child always near by.

My heart is broken for you. On your high note, Congratulations on the weight loss!! I've lost about 5 pounds in the last month too while dieting. I feel so much better. Keep it up!

I like what Zachb said, I hope the time flies for you over the next couple weeks to go visit there.

Take care.

Jeff, Julia and Maggie said...

Hey. I almost said I'm so sorry you're sad, and I am because your sadness comes from the loss of another baby, but sadness comes from loss and is good and healthy for you to go through. I understand all of your frustration about those comments. They're not helpful. Have you read Shattered Dreams? It was really good for me to see that it's okay and good and healthy for me to fully work through all of my grief. Don't rush it, don't try to be okay. Be down for a while, wrestle with God about it. Scream and cry as much as you want. You can't fully experience joy without fully experiencing the pain the Lord also brings your way. Love you and praying for you!

Rachel said...

I second Julia's recommendation for "Shattered Dreams." Thank you for sharing how you feel...and don't feel bad for wanting to wallow. If I lived closer I would run over right now and wallow with you! I know the pain is great and like the others have said, it is okay to be hurting. And it's also okay to "KNOW" God is sovereign but have a hard time believing it in the midst of your pain. Cry out to the Lord...He can handle it all! I like to read David's words in the Psalms...he didn't withhold anything from His Father. He was completely honest. I'm continuing to pray and hope with you!

melody is slurping life said...

No stupid words to try to comfort...just "love ya" with a big hug. Really, really big hug.