Remember the post a few days ago when I confessed that I was heavy hearted? (If you're a man...not that many read this, I know, but still...STOP READING NOW. This is going to get really graphic in a minute.)
I started my period the next morning. That explains the hysteria that followed that evening when I put myself to bed. I'm talking about can't-catch-your-breath-snotty-crying. It was ugly. Really and truly ugly. I was ugly the next morning when I saw myself in the mirror. It wasn't pretty.
I felt like the Lord had abandoned me. I felt like I was such a sinner that He doesn't want to bless me (which I am, but that's another post for another time). I questioned why crack mamas are allowed to have multiple children by multiple men, but He won't fill my womb with another baby that I desperately want.
Those feelings have been nagging at the back of my thoughts since then. I can't quite seem to shake them, even if I know they are not logical. (Ahem...Zach, I TOLD you to stop reading!)
When you take Clomid, you have to see the doctor before day 5 of your cycle. I called yesterday, but my regular doctor couldn't see me. I asked if I could see the midwife instead. Luckily, she was available.
It was exactly the kind of appointment I needed. Her approach to infertility is drastically different from my OB's. She's more aggressive. She's more determined, less lassez-faire. She had suggestions for H (I'm skipping those details to spare his pride!). She gave me a calendar that is highlighted that tells me what to do on certain days. She's putting me on another medicine in addition to the clomid. We talked about how, as women of faith, this journey can be so hard.
And the most important thing:
She prayed with me when we were done. She prayed for my emotional state. She prayed for my marriage. She prayed for M. She prayed for my relationship with God, that I would go to Him and cling when I was weak. She prayed for herself and my doctor that they would care for me in the right way, at the right time. She prayed for blessings for my family.
It was amazing.
God completely provides.
God totally provides.