Remember the post a few days ago when I confessed that I was heavy hearted? (If you're a man...not that many read this, I know, but still...STOP READING NOW. This is going to get really graphic in a minute.)
I started my period the next morning. That explains the hysteria that followed that evening when I put myself to bed. I'm talking about can't-catch-your-breath-snotty-crying. It was ugly. Really and truly ugly. I was ugly the next morning when I saw myself in the mirror. It wasn't pretty.
I felt like the Lord had abandoned me. I felt like I was such a sinner that He doesn't want to bless me (which I am, but that's another post for another time). I questioned why crack mamas are allowed to have multiple children by multiple men, but He won't fill my womb with another baby that I desperately want.
Those feelings have been nagging at the back of my thoughts since then. I can't quite seem to shake them, even if I know they are not logical. (Ahem...Zach, I TOLD you to stop reading!)
When you take Clomid, you have to see the doctor before day 5 of your cycle. I called yesterday, but my regular doctor couldn't see me. I asked if I could see the midwife instead. Luckily, she was available.
God provides.
It was exactly the kind of appointment I needed. Her approach to infertility is drastically different from my OB's. She's more aggressive. She's more determined, less lassez-faire. She had suggestions for H (I'm skipping those details to spare his pride!). She gave me a calendar that is highlighted that tells me what to do on certain days. She's putting me on another medicine in addition to the clomid. We talked about how, as women of faith, this journey can be so hard.
And the most important thing:
She prayed with me when we were done. She prayed for my emotional state. She prayed for my marriage. She prayed for M. She prayed for my relationship with God, that I would go to Him and cling when I was weak. She prayed for herself and my doctor that they would care for me in the right way, at the right time. She prayed for blessings for my family.
It was amazing.
God completely provides.
God totally provides.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
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5 comments:
That is amazing. REALLY amazing.
I LOVE her. (The daughter prefers her over the regular OB.)
God does provide.
He will see you through this.
He will bless your faithfulness.
I hurt for you...I know some of those sins of which you speak...the one in particular that we share, and I KNOW He is NOT punishing you. I know it. I do not believe He is that kind of God, Nat; I really don't.
My prayers continue.
My love never stops.
Call me when you need to do so.
That is WONDERFUL!
This might sound like a platitude...but it isn't meant to be. I think sometimes we don't get what we want not because He isn't willing to give it to us, but He needs us to go through a certain process before we're ready for it. It isn't that we're too such huge sinners and He is punishing us, sometimes He is trying to cultivate something in our lives that requires that we be allowed to go through some unpleasantness. Our lives with KayTar weren't always a picnic, but in retrospect I know that those very difficult seasons of my life changed who I am in a fundamental way, a way in which I will always be grateful for. I know that our struggling had purpose. It isn't always understandable on the front end, but I hope one day He makes it plain to you, the reasons why you've had to wait for this so long.
I can't say more than what these other wise ladies have said except that what a blessing it is to have someone pray with you when you need it most! I too will pray for your lovely family and for patience and acceptance for you.
I am so thankful for you to have had this positive experience - finally! You sound so uplifted through this post... now let's hope these little changes and continued prayer all brings about the desired outcome.
That's so awesome Natalie. I know it's hard to wait and trust in God's goodness so I'm glad He provided just what you needed in your time of need.
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