Friday, April 20, 2007


No, I'm not lost. No, I'm not talking about the keys that are at this very moment mysteriously lost at a local department store. I'm talking about my brother (stop reading now if you don't want to attend my pity party). I'm using this forum to vent, so leave now if you don't want to feel the steam.

I'm very sad. I'm very sad that I feel like I've lost my youngest brother. I won't go into all the details about our relationship, but suffice to say that we were very close until a few months after M was born when he fell in love. I AM NOT SAD THAT HE FELL IN LOVE. Everyone deserves to love and to be loved. I'm so very blessed in my relationship with H--I want everyone to know and enjoy that kind of love.

I'm sad that with this love, my brother disconnected from our family. I'm sad that he feels the need to hide her from us. I'm even a little sad that she's the one he's in love with. She's not like "us." I wanted someone who fit in more. I wanted someone to complete my brother, not create this great divide. Whoa...I'm not blaming her...he's fully responsible for his own actions. And I bear some responsibility for my reactions to this relationship. I can be real here.

I've had a debate the past week. Is my role as my brother's sister more important than my role as my mother's daughter? On which side of this fence should I reside? Is my relationship with my brother and his relationship with our family more important than my mother's understanding and acceptance? (sorry Mom...keep reading) Truthfully, I was on the sister side until today. I was not ready to sacrifice my relationship with my brother. Now I've jumped the fence and I am FULLY on the daughter side. Mothers sometimes do know best.

There are three siblings: Natalie--I'm the oldest, T--he's graduating from seminary in May, and Z--the youngest and the one this post is about. During the early years of my marriage to H, I was sometimes excluded from the "family" things--sometimes the exclusion was intentional and sometimes it was most definitely unintentional, but it happened nonetheless. T and his wife are moving back to our hometown this summer for a while during a life transition. When my sister-in-law (L) is home, I know there will be times when my mom, L, and I do things together. I do not want to intentionally exclude Z's girlfriend. I know how that hurts.

But how in the world can I include her? So much deceit and secrecy shroud their relationship. She doesn't bring out the best in him. If she doesn't bring out the best in him, how in the world can he bring out the best in her?

There are many details that I can not include in this post for privacy sake and my own sanity. Perhaps if you knew those details you would have a clearer picture of my dilemma.

I love my brother, very, very much, and I want to love who he loves. But I don't trust this relationship. There is a web of secrecy and a tangle of lies that keep us, the family, away. How do we begin to mend this? How do I, as the sister, reach out to my brother and tell him how much I love and miss him? How do I tell him how much his niece needs him?

How do I get my brother back?


Stacy said...

Natalie, unfortunately I think it takes a lot of time. My cousin, who I grew up with and had been like a brother to me, fell in love with the world's biggest slut. He married her twice!! The first marriage ended after she cheated on him, then married another guy and realized what a mistake she made and got back together with my cousin. I have no idea how you have a relationship where you can't trust your spouse. Truly, now that he has a child I think he wants back into the fold. It is difficult to find how you can overcome your feelings of aversion for those significant others and not put a rift in your relationship. I don't know. It is a path that I am still traveling.

christinator said...

I'm so sorry for your heartache! I have a "lost" brother as well, though for enitrely different reasons. I hope your brother comes back to you. Does he know you feel this way? I mnean, obviously you can't tell him that you can't stand his girlfriend, but you can express to him how much you miss him and feel like there's a growing divide between you???