Thursday, April 24, 2008

Again

This post could have been written 7 months ago.

In fact, one just like it WAS written seven months ago.

Here's what happened.

High anxiety.
Laying on the ultrasound table, only clothed on the top, sheet covering the bottom.

"Why are you anxious?" asked the tech.
"I didn't like the results I got last time I was here." I said.
Eyes squeezed shut as tight as possible.
"Last menstrual cycle?"
"Feb. 22."
"Are you sure you have your dates right?"
"Positive. Is there a heartbeat?"
"Have you had any cramping?
"No. Is there a heartbeat?"
"Any bleeding?"
"NO! Is there a heartbeat?"
"No." (echoes in my head) "There is no baby. Your body only developed a sac. Never made a baby."

All the air left my body. Couldn't cry. Couldn't talk.

"When do you want to schedule your d&c?"
Never, I screamed in my head. I want to schedule my delivery! I want a baby!!!!

We scheduled it for 8:30 tomorrow morning.

The doctor said only 1 in 5 pregnancies results in a baby. Statistically, it's not too uncommon to have 2 miscarriages back to back. Because I've carried one healthy baby to term, there is obviously not something wrong with me.

This one is different. Last time there was a heartbeat. This time, only an empty little sac. It's hard to miss something that NEVER was. My body was tricked into thinking it was pregnant. The doctor said sometimes in this circumstance, your HGH levels will be higher than in a pregnancy. That's why I was having so many classic pregnancy symptoms.

I'm searching for the Lord's grace here. I'm fumbling my way through, trying to find the Cross. I'm only finding the emptiness of my pain.

10 comments:

salleebythesea said...

Natalie, in the blur, in the gauzy haze of confusion and hurt...He is still there. Even in the middle of our anger and cries of disbelief that a loving God who is supposed to know us doesn't seem to be there, He is still there. That is no comfort, I do know, how well I do know...but, He is all there is, even when we can't believe it. My deepest and most sincere prayers are with you.

Matt & Kadie Laughlin said...

My heart is aching as I am praying for you! May He wrap His everloving arms around you!

Colleen said...

Oh Natalie. I am just at a loss. I am just heartbroken for you and your family. I know there are really just no words. Please know that my thoughts are with you.

Christina said...

Oh my dear Natalie! Oh my dear friend! My heart aches for you. I am so sorry. All I can offer you is my love and my prayers that He will comfort you.

PRUITT2it said...

Nat, I love you and I am so sorry you are hurting. I have been in that very place before. I wanted my baby so bad, but God had a different plan. He knew he was going to give me my sweet Parker P. And what in the world would my life be without her? I don't even want to know. Be patient, and the blessing you want so desperately will come. Please call me if you need me. I love you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Rachel said...

Praying for you right now as you get ready for the D&C. The previous poster is right...even when you can't find Him or don't want to find Him, He is there with you. He is carrying you in His arms. He knows the hurt you feel because of the Cross. Love you and crying with you.

Arizaphale said...

OH no no no no no no no no no.
I am so desperately sorry Natalie.
This is the post I DIDN'T want to read.
I have no words really...just a huge wave of love for you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tara Barthel said...

So very, VERY sorry for your loss and suffering!!

Praying for God's comfort for you and your beloved husband and son too.

So, so sorry.
-- Tara B.

Maggie said...

Oh Natalie. I am so sorry. I know how much you wanted this.

Golightly said...

I'm so sorry I missed this post last week. We were so busy. There is nothing new that I can say to you at this point. Only add my prayers to the many others that God is hearing for you.

Blessings and Peace.