Sunday, April 6, 2008

Anxiety

I've had some good prayer time lately. I know that I'm being drawn closer and closer to the Lord.

Despite this time of extreme closeness, I'm still filled with so much anxiety. How can those two things exist in me at the same time? I take such comfort in a soverign God. My God who claims that all things work for His glory for those who TRUST IN THE LORD.

I'm anxious about returning to work tomorrow. I'm not quite ready to leave M. I know she's on the mend, but she's not completely herself yet. I have the most wonderful parents who waited until I said "COME NOW!" before coming to us. They knew I needed quiet time with M. They are here now and they will take care of her for a few days so she can build her strength and get some good rest before she goes back to her "school." M will eat ANYTHING for her OB, so I'm glad he's here and can get her back on a good diet.

I'm anxious about the upcoming test for M and what the test actually means. Her little body is so battered right now: bruises on her hands and elbows from being poked and pricked. She was cathed twice in 24 hours. She's terrified of the blood pressure cuff because she doesn't understand.

I'm also anxious about the results of the test. Either way, the results create more questions. If the test indicates there is reflux in her UT, what does that mean and how do we treat it? If there is no reflux in her UT, does that mean we just didn't clear up the first UTI? How can I prevent another one?

On top of all of this, I'm extremely anxious about the tiny miracle growing in my womb. Every day that it remains with me is a miracle. My fervent, constant, begging prayer is that this tiny baby stays inside of me until November and makes a wailing entrance into this world on time. I was so nauseous today, but I'll take nausea if it means I'm still growing a baby. I'll take exhaustion if our family is blessed with another baby.

I wish I could tell you that by burdening you with my anxiety, it was lessened. It was not. My stomach is still in knots about tomorrow. I must learn to trust in the Lord with all my heart and all my soul. This is an hour of learning for me--to turn to the One who controls. Whose words were whispered before the beginning of time.

No need to respond.

5 comments:

Kyla said...

YOU'RE PREGNANT! Did I miss this? Or are you just sneakily telling us now?

As far as kidney reflux goes, if she HAS it, she'll have to be on a low dose of ABs daily for an extended period of time (maybe a year) at which point they will do another VCUG (which is the test the are probably about to do) to see if she is still experiencing the reflux and then go from there. Pretty often, kids outgrow it, so that's a good thing. If she doesn't have the reflux, it might just mean that the initial ABs didn't to a good enough job taking care of the UTI. Poor little M.

I'm glad M's grandparents are there to give her extra loves while she's mending. That's a good thing.

Christina said...

My friend, you are a woman of faith and it shows. God will bless you for it.

Andi said...

This time that you have spent in prayer is no accident...you are growing closer and closer to God, and that is His desire- to be your Father, to protect you, love you, and enjoy you...My prayer for you is that you are able to feel His presence; that you are able to allow Him to be in control...He will give you the peace that passes all understanding...He will be by your side through every step along your journey in this life. I have had so many uncertain hospital stays recently, and I was surprised at how calm I was, how certain that no matter what He was going to be there for us... that was you- your prayers, the prayers of many others, friends, family, people we did not even know offering up words to Him on our behalf...I am not CERTAIN of much, but I wholeheartedly believe in the power of prayer. You have me offering prayers for you...and for anything else you could need, my friend. Try to let that anxiety go little by little...and give it over to Him. Let Him wrap His arms around you...Climb up into His lap and REST... Much love.

Arizaphale said...

So concerned for you. But nausea and exhaustion are good signs!!!
Holding you in my prayers too.

~Billie~ said...

((HUGS)) Congrats on the pregnancy! Have faith and God Bless!