Saturday, April 26, 2008

Doing OK


Your compassion is more than I deserve. Thank you SO much for your sweetness right now.

Where are we (am I) emotionally right now?

In a very strange place.

I feel like I should be more emotional about this. But this time is so different. There was never a baby. Instead of mourning the loss of a baby, I mourn the loss of...well, something else. Something that is too hard to explain. In the fall, there was a baby. There was a heartbeat. This time, there was nothing. How do you mourn nothing? I mourn the pregnancy that won't be, the brother or sister for M that didn't form. But I don't mourn a baby.

My eyes are dry today. My heart is less heavy.

Do you want to know the part that almost hurts more than anything else? M still won't be a big sister. I wish you knew her. I mean, REALLY knew her. I wish you could see the way her face lights up when she sees MKL, how she tickles her and takes toys to her. M will be the best big sister one day. My heart breaks for her; that it still isn't meant to be yet.

I'm on my knees before the Lord. I'm clinging to Him in ways I didn't know before. Two is too much for me to bear on my own. But I'm doing alright. It's gonna be alright.


Colleen said...

That all sounds familiar to me. My pregnancy is September ended before we heard a heartbeat. It ended before we'd been to that first ob appointment. It was different from my first loss. It's a very different feeling when you haven't yet had that confirming appointment with the doctor. Still... it feels of loss... just differently.

I'm glad you're doing well... and I'll be praying that M gets to be a big sister very soon!

Andi said...

I really have no words perfect enough, expect to tell you that I love you and I am praying!
I was happy to hear your voice, and so glad to know that you seem better than I imagined. But, I know this is hard, harder than I could ever dream...
M will be a big sister. Someone perfect for your sweet little family will arrive and fill you all with joy. We will all be praying for this.

Kyla said...

I hope M gets to be a big sister, I'm sure she'll be an excellent older sibling, just like BubTar.

Just remember, there's a PLAN, both with the doctors, and with God. Although we'll never know why you had to suffer these losses, there is a purpose in everything, I think.

Christina said...

Although I haven't experience this myself, I can understand how you'd be feeling...still a loss, but a different sort of loss. The loss of what might have been, rather than the loss of what WAS.
Nadia too adores babies and would be the best big sister in the world...and part of me aches to give that to her. Hubby is strongly against another child, tho.

Rachel said...

Thanks for processing and sharing your heart with us, Natalie. Still praying for you a lot and burdened for you as you grieve again, even if it does feel different. It is good to read that the Lord is sustaining you and even as the shock wears off, I pray that you will continue to cling to Him and His promises.

Arizaphale said...

"I can do all things in Christ who is my strength."

Hold on to that Grace which will sustain you friend and know that there are loads of us out here praying for you and sending loving thoughts.

Golightly said...

It sounds like you are finding the cross. Keep clinging to His as He carries you through this.