Wednesday, April 16, 2008

To remember or not

I've avoided it all day.

A good thing or not, I don't know.

Do I want to throw up right now? Yes.

Am I strong enough to even type the words? I don't know.

I'm going to give it a try.

Today would have been the day. You know. THE DAY. The day we should have spent the last 8 months preparing for. THAT DAY.

The day we welcomed another baby into our family. (There. That wasn't so bad, but I still want to throw up and I'm sniffling back tears.)

I miss that baby every single day. I might not think about it every day, but I think about it often.

So. I'm glad today is almost over and tomorrow won't be THE DAY. Tomorrow will just be tomorrow. Not something mammoth in my mind that must be conquered. I spent the past several days dreading this day. But I made it. I prayed and prayed that God would give me the strength to withstand it.

And He did. I did.

My prayer now is very simple:

Dear Lord,
Please, please, please let my body be strong enough to carry this new miracle to term. Please form this baby in Your image and let it be wonderfully and fearfully made for nine months in my womb. Please let me come to peace with this pregnancy so that I might find only joy in it and not this strange combination of fear, joy, sorrow, and excitement.
In His name,


Maggie said...

Oh Natalie. *hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss. And I will hope and pray for you to get your happy ending with this new little peanut.

Kyla said...

My biggest and warmest hugs, Natalie. And my prayers, too.

Andi said...

Tears... Love and hugs to you, my friend. Your prayer is what I will pray for you from now on...(I was not that specific with my previous prayers.)
I have something to tell you (no emergency) just something I would like to actually "say" to you when we get a chance...something I would rather not type here. I have not been through what you have been through, but I would like to share a tiny insight when you feel like it.
Loss is so difficult...there is NO time frame, no magic number of days, months, years when it should all be does not end, but I hope the pain will subside and lessen. Please chat with me when you get the chance. I love you, my friend.

Christina said...

Oh Natalie! I am adding my prayers to yours. And sending huge hugs to you. As hard as it was, you DID make it through the day.
My mom once miscarried a baby....and she was devestated. but then she conceived again while she would have still pregnant with that baby, and she had my brother Tim. She still mourned for that baby, but it comforted her to think that she would not have had Tim if not for that loss. Just as it is with you, and your angel baby, and this baby now. This child can help heal you.

Arizaphale said...

The others have said everything I want to say. (I can't believe I haven't seen this post til now....)
Bless you my friend. We add our prayer to yours..