Sunday, April 20, 2008


Yikes! I left you on a rather sad note, didn't I?

That's because I was so stinkin' exhausted at the end of the week that I skipped TWO days checking my e-mail!!!! My inbox was packed this morning.

We've been so busy.

At school:
We finished our state mandated testing Thursday. It almost killed me.
I'm the chair person for our school's Relay for Life team. Bascially that means I plan all the fundraisers, collect all the money, and attend all the RFL meetings. This Thursday is our big Talent Show. I hope I make it.

At home:
My dear friend's daughter turned one yesterday. I helped her finish her scrapbook. Susie did an entire year's worth of events in one week. She was a superpower scrapbooker. And she planned and pulled off a wonderful party.
We attended my other dear friend's baby shower. We became friends when she student taught in another second grade class. Two years ago, they moved FAR away, but still have relatives here. So they have a baby shower. What fun to spend time with them!
My other friend and I went to a great little market held at the local college just down the road from my house. They hosted the first one this weekend and plan to make it a monthly event. They had some great vendors (the pres. of the college wants to promote GREEN living) who had organic plants, free-range chicken eggs, homemade soaps, homegrown (?) honey, etc.

Whew...I'm exhausted just looking over that list.

I felt the first flicker of something Saturday when I was buying a baby gift for the shower. No, no...not the sweet stirrings of the baby. I felt hope. Pure hope. As I held that little newborn outfit in my hand, my heart stirred for the first time. I realized how much worry and stress I'm carrying in my heart about this baby. I don't feel like I've bonded with this pregnancy at all. With M, I was in love from the moment the nurse said I was pregnant. I was completely smitten with the little life in me. (Remind me to tell you how much denial I was in as the pregnancy came to an end!) With Baby Butterbean, same thing. I was so excited to be pregnant again that I couldn't contain my excitement. This time, it's a little different. I haven't told very many people at work. Those that know are sweet and not really saying much. People at church know, but maybe not all of them. I just don't talk about it much or want to talk about it much. I hope when I get through week 12 that I'll be able to let the worry go and just enjoy this fun time of pregnancy!


Arizaphale said...

Yes, that's the time to look forward to. But you've been having good sounds promising to me....:-)
It will be lovely to breathe a sigh of relief though won't it? I remember having an ultrasound at 11 weeks with the make sure everything was happening 'this time' and I couldn't believe it when I saw her! She was real!! We're all praying for you and yous Natalie.
(PS we have national testing in May...yuck. I am the co-ordinator. More work. Glad you survived yours.)

Christina said...

I am so glad you are beginning to rediscover hope and joy! I think it's completely understandable and "normal" to feel like you do. You were so horribly hurt by Butterbean's loss, and so this time, in an effort to shield yourself from hurt, you try not to let yourself get too attached, too in love, too hopeful. I hope that as the scary first trimester comes to a close, you'll be able to let go of the fears and rejoice in this new little life with reckless abandon.

Kyla said...

I think it is probably so hard to let your hopes be raised after having them dashed so unexpectedly before. That's a normal reaction and I have no doubt you'll get passed that when it is time!