Sunday, June 22, 2008


I feel the need to write this post, but also the need to be extremely vague. If I was in junior high school, this little story would begin "I have this (fictional) friend..." so that everyone would KNOW I was talking about my own experience, but hiding it behind the facade. You remember times like those, right?

I've been humbled the past few days. I spent a fantastic week at home with my parents and youngest brother. I missed H more than I could ever say, but we sometimes need a little break from each other. I tend to smother him, I think.

I also tend to make things up in my mind. I'm not psychotic ('t all psychotics say that???).

For example, one night, a LONG TIME AGO, as I was trying to go to sleep, I was in that weird place between awake and asleep. For some reason, I concocted a story that H was hiding his credit card and bank statements from me, having them to sent to his work address. Basically, I convinced myself that H was hiding his money from me. When he came to bed, I was in such a frantic state (some might call it rage) that I accused him of hiding his money from me--even though I KNEW I had made that story up. Thankfully I'm married to a man who is a thousand times calmer than I am. He simply told me to go to sleep and that we would discuss this in the morning.

So now you are wondering that this might have to do with anything current, aren't you?

My palms are moist and my heart is pounding because I hate to even admit that I've had another episode like this. Only not about H. When I was with my parents, I convinced myself that some of my friendships are one-sided. That I consider some of these people my friends, but that they don't really reciprocate the feeling. (Just as a side note: I'm pretty sure my brother thinks I'm a wack job because I sure did confess this to him!!!! And not one sip of wine prompted that confession.)

BECAUSE, you see, the world revolves around ME. ME. ME. ME. ME.

Oh, how the Lord has humbled me in the past twenty-four hours. The three simple words "I missed you" completely obliterated my cockamamie story. These people are my friends, they do value my friendship as much as I do theirs. The Lord was screaming at me in church today. I don't think anyone else heard Him, but He was loud and clear.

"Trust me."
"I am good."
"I have only plans of good for those that love the Lord."
"Love your neighbor."

Instead of spending time listening to the Lord last week, I was listening to my own doubt. To Satan planting seeds of mistrust. Mistrust in the Lord, mistrust in myself, mistrust in my friendships.

I am constantly amazed at the work the Lord is doing in me--a sinner who constantly chooses myself over Him. He is pruning away at me, working in my heart in ways that are shocking to me.

My prayer is that He constantly draws me closer to him. I love the song "Bring the Rain, " particularly the phrase that says,
"And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain."

(Mercy Me)

Obviously, my friends did absolutely nothing intentional to bring me pain. However, in my weirdo mind, I was hurting and I (finally) turned to the Lord. Two miscarriages: turn to the Lord. Conflict at work: turn to the Lord. Death of a friend's husband: turn to the Lord. If the Lord MUST use pain and sadness to draw me closer to him, then bring it on. I want to be drawn closer.

I want to be humbled.

(If you are interested in reading a beautiful story, I'd encourage you to read Bring the Rain. Angie is telling the beautiful story of the birth and death of her infant daughter Audrey Caroline. There are days when her story is too painful for me to read--the loss is too great. However, her faith is astounding. You will be moved.)


ZachB said...

I updated my blog. I am going to start trying to post at least every other day just like I promised you.

Andi said...

I know those were the seeds of Satan- causing you anxiety and worry...but I wanted you to know that you are SO loved! You have many, many friends, and you do so much for ALL of us- you are one of THE MOST GENEROUS and GIVING people I have ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. I just wanted to say again that I am PROUD of the work that He is doing in your life- proud of you for sharing the NEWS with all of us (me) that really need to hear it. I miss you. Know that this friendship is whole and such a BLESSING to me!

Arizaphale said...

I am sorry I missed this post by being caught up in my own troubles. It is a very raw, honest post and it took courage to write I'd guess. I am reminded of my sister who suffers with depression and who frequently rings me to tell me how her friends don't really like her and other such nonsense, although it is very real in her head. It must be very difficult to be in your own head whne this kind of 'stinkin thinkin' is going on. A counsellor I had years ago encouraged me to give the negative voice in my head a name and practice telling it to "Remove itself" in much less polite terms ;-D. I have suggested to my sister she try this too and she has found it moderately useful. But you are so right. The Lord works through suffering and the insights he gives us in our pain are illuminating and encouraging indeed.