Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Sunshine Summer

We are visiting my parents this week for a very specific purpose. M is attending a little preschool summer camp called Sunshine Summer. I drop her off each morning at 9:00 and pick her up at 12:00. I would be lying if I said my heart didn't skip several beats yesterday as I waited in the carpool line to drop her off.

What if she doesn't miss me?

What if she cries?

What if she makes a messy diaper?

What if the other kids are mean to her?

What if she is mean to the other kids?

What if, what if, what if?

My heart, despite my selfishness that I wanted her to miss me just a tad, swelled with pride when the teacher grabbed M's hand and off she marched. She didn't look back. Her sweet little whispy ponytails were bobbing away as she bounced into the building.

That's when I caught of glimpse of what is to come. And what I want to come. My own selfish desire is that M needs me (and she does), but she is brave and independent. She's confident. I saw myself watching her head off to kindergarten. I saw myself watching her drive off when she's 16. I saw myself watching her march off to college. I was so proud. In that few seconds that I watched her go off with her teacher, I saw the big girl that I hope she will become.

Even though she is confident and independent, H and I have such a huge responsibility in raising her. Sometimes in the day-to-day, moment-to-moment, parenting, I lose sight of that. Whatever is happening right then is the most important thing. H and I both want her to grow up knowing Christ, to be strong and independent, thoughtful and kind. These are enormous goals for our little girl. The task of raising her to meet these goals is weighty and worthy.

I so love seeing a tiny glimpse of what she is becoming. I love knowing where she's come from and how much she's learned. Standing in the present with the ability to look back at the past and hope for the future is a true gift.


Kyla said...

I have a similar experience in dropping KayTar at camp the first week. She's just doing great!

Kyla said...

"Have" should be "had"...my fingers get away from me sometimes.

Christina said...

Another great post.

Motherhood is so full of pride at our children's accomplishments and wistfulness at seeing them grow up...

Colleen said...

Did you cry? When I left Zoe at school the very first day she ran off and never looked back. I was so proud of her... and so happy that it was so easy a drop off. I then went to the car and sat and cried. I bawled my eyes out.

Golightly said...

Oh! It's so hard some days isn't it?!

Arizaphale said...

I don't remember crying on the first day of school or preschool but I remember bawling my eyes out the first time she went on a plane by herself to see her dad. That was a real gut wrencher but nowadays, neither of us look back :-D! Mind you I love picking her up when she comes home. I hope M really enjoys camp.

Jenni Saake said...

I know you don't know me, but I saw your post on Angie's "Bring the Rain" blog and my heart went out to you. I am so sorry to read of your precious children, lost to miscarriage. {{{hugs}}} Just wanted to post and let you know that I'm praying for you today.

Jenni Saake
Mommy to 3 on earth and 3 in Heaven
author, Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss

Andi said...

You will have these moments ALWAYS in your life with M...I still have them with A, even now with her so grown up...We want them to have independence, but at the same time resist that...hoping that they will always need us! They WILL always need us. (I still need my mom!) It is different, but NEED is the same...I share your heart aches, and I know your heart...she is a GREAT little girl, and she will grow up needing you, loving you, but being her own little self! Miss you...glad you are having a blast! The beach is so nice...will talk to you when I return.